August 31, 2009

A Clip Show of Raider Hatred

The Raiders are coming to Qwest Thursday night, so it's a good time to bring back some old classics of Oakland/L.A. hatred (updated and with a dash of new material mixed in)... Enjoy!

Side note #1: If you are old enough, you might remember the Raiders being the most popular team in the northwest before '76. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Side note #2: Who else was born during the very specific window where, to this day, "Oakland Raiders" sounds weird to you and "LA Raiders" sounds right?

Let's go...

I don't care that the level of play Thursday night will barely be above an '87 scab game. I don't care that both teams will just be desperately trying to avoid any injuries before week 1. I still want to see the guys wearing blue stomp the tainted, evil guts out of the goddamn Raiders.

They say that you have to be taught to hate, and I was a quick study in developing a frothing, rabid loathing of the Raiders. After L.A. snuffed Seattle's Cinderella run in the 1983 AFC title game, my 8-year-old soul was crushed. Since then, everything about the Raiders organization has filled me with disgust and revulsion.

There's so much to hate about these schmucks. Their dirty play is such common knowledge that Lisa Simpson urged Homer to bet on them "because they always cheat." They're run by a curmudgeonly, dried-up relic from a best-forgotten era, who insists on running an offense that went out of style about the same time New Coke did. Did I mention this half-dead wraith of a man has moved his team TWICE and generally tried to fuck up the NFL's shit at every opportunity? Watch this Mr. Show clip, change "Satan" to "Al Davis," and you'll know how I feel about Oakland's owner..



Here's how reviled this team is: They got screwed on an XL-level in the "tuck rule" game, and nobody outside of The Black Hole gave a damn. Why? Fuck the fucking Raiders, that's why.

But wait, it gets worse! Their fans are a particularly wretched lot, who seem to think that rooting for a filthy, scuzzy, outdated team wearing black makes them "bad ass." I've done my research, and Raider fans also tend to like:

-Truck Nutz
-Decals of Calvin peeing on things
-Dane Cook
-Pointless bandannas
-Misspelled tattoos

The perfect expression of all this was at a game back in 1997, which the Seahawks won 45-34 behind a huge day from Warren Moon. At the time, my seats were in the very top row of the Kingdome in the south end zone. There was this clump of Oakland fans a few rows ahead of us, and the whole game they never shut up about how tough and bad-ass the Raiders were, and how the Seahawks liked other boys, among other things (not that there's anything wrong with that). Even down by 11 very late in the game, with Warren Moon taking a knee to run out the clock, they would not stop taunting us Seattle fans and preening like dirtbag peacocks. Finally, I snapped and screamed:

"YOUR TEAM IS 3-5!!!!! OAKLAND SUCKS! SHUT THE HELL UP!!"

Only after the words escaped my mouth did I realize my chances of getting shanked in the parking lot just exponentially increased. Thankfully, I lived to tell the tale.

If you are going to the game Thursday night and you run into any similar behavior, remind them of this inconvenient truth for Raider Nation. Since 2003:

Seahawks: 55-41 with 5 playoff appearances, 4 division titles, 4 playoff wins and an NFC title.

Raiders: 24-72. Their 5-11 finish in '08 was their best since 2003.

Commitment to Crapulence!

Serving Mammon

You know how I told you guys that Mark Tye Turner's new book was Fan-freaking-tastick? Obviously, I think y'all should buy it anyway, but if you buy it from Amazon.com using that little widget on my sidebar, I'll get a cut of the action (which will help me towards making sweary, pop-culture-reference-laden Seahawks blog posts full-time).

Help me out, help out a great author, and help yourself out by packing that brainpan of yours with Complete Seahawks Knowledge.

UPDATE: I've added some more amazon.com links in the sidebar... I hope it's not too obtrusive, but if you buy stuff through those widgets, yours truly will get some much-needed dough. Thanks again!

August 30, 2009

DKSB's OFFICIAL (and 100% accurate) 2009 NFL Predictions

XLIV will be the first Super Bowl decided in OT... but who will win?????

Something I really hate is implausible preseason predictions. I don't mean things like "the Lions will make the playoffs," either. I'm talking about when some lazy sportswriter predicts the records for all 32 teams and comes up with an impossible aggregate record, or predicts playoff matchups without working through tiebreakers, etc.

That's why at DKSB, we go through the ENTIRE regular season (using a grid like this) and predict the winner of EVERY game, so all the pieces fit together. Here it is, y'all:

NFC West
Seahawks 10-6
Cardinals 9-7
49ers 6-10
Rams 2-14

NFC North
Packers 11-5
Vikings 10-6
Bears 8-8
Lions 2-14

NFC South
Falcons 10-6
Saints 9-7
Panthers 8-8
Buccaneers 3-13

NFC East
Giants 12-4
Eagles 10-6
Cowboys 9-7
Redskins 5-11

NFC Playoffs
1. Giants
2. Packers
3. Falcons
4. Seahawks
5. Vikings
6. Eagles

Wild Card Round
Seahawks 33, Vikings 27 (OT)
Falcons 24, Eagles 13

Divisional Round
Giants 20, Seahawks 13
Packers 45, Falcons 24

NFC Championship Game
Packers 23, Giants 19

AFC West
Chargers 12-4
Chiefs 5-11
Raiders 4-12
Broncos 3-13

AFC North
Steelers 11-5
Ravens 10-6
Bengals 9-7
Browns 6-10

AFC South
Colts 11-5
Texans 10-6
Titans 9-7
Jaguars 5-11

AFC East
Patriots 13-3
Dolphins 8-8
Bills 6-10
Jets 6-10

AFC Playoffs
1. Patriots
2. Chargers
3. Colts
4. Steelers
5. Ravens
6. Texans

Wild Card Round
Texans 38, Colts 27
Ravens 15, Steelers 14

Divisional Round
Patriots 49, Texans 10
Chargers 16, Ravens 8

AFC Championship
Chargers 27, Patriots 26

SUPER BOWL XLIV
Chargers 34, Packers 31 (OT)
MVP: Philip Rivers

2009 NFL MVP: Aaron Rodgers, Packers
2009 NFL DPOY: Jared Allen, Vikings
2009 NFL Coach of the Year: Gary Kubiak, Texans

What do you think, sirs?

Seahawks 14, Chiefs 10 (AKA I must be silent, must contain my secret smile)

The #1 predictor of team success in the NFL is outstanding quarterback play. Sure, sometimes a team can have an elite QB performance and miss the postseason entirely (2008 Saints)... and sometimes a great defense can carry a team with merely competent quarterbacking to a Lombardi Trophy (2000 Ravens, 2002 Bucs), but any amount of research into the modern NFL leads to this conclusion: Having an elite QB massively increases a team's chances to reach the Super Bowl, while lacking such a player radically REDUCES the probability of your team playing in February. So, aside from anything else you've seen this August from the Seahawks, these numbers should leave you giddy:

38/53/414/4/1

Passer Rating: 111.7

Those are Beck's numbers in the 2009 preseason. As Dr. Venture might say, "Ladysmith Black Mambazo!" Yes, yes... It's "just preseason." Yes, yes... This doesn't mean anything if our makeshift O-line allows him to get injured... But The Objectivist looks sharp, and is clearly clicking with TJH and John "Jeebus" Carlson.

What I'm about to say isn't nearly as crazy as it sounds: If Hasselbeck can give us a full season anywhere near this level, the Seahawks can go to XLIV... and they can win.

So, maybe you don't want to shout that from the rooftops yet, I get it... But by yourself, watching this... you should have a Joker-level smile plastered on your face, fellow Twelves.

Special thanks go out to Seahawk Addicts, my friend Mark and my little brother James, who all fed me text updates about the game while I drove through the Ohio wilderness last night...

August 29, 2009

Dereliction of Duty

I'm gonna be on the road today (another job/apartment hunting trip to Columbus), so I'm probably going to miss the game tonight. I'll have fresh, tasty content for y'all on Sunday... Until then, watch this on a loop 400 times:

August 28, 2009

"It's absolute bullshit."

The NFL is inexplicably allowing Jerry Jones' 1080p obscenity to continue dangling a mere 90 feet over the playing field at Cowboys Stadium. Here's the rule for the 2009 season:

1. If a ball in play strikes a video board, guide wire, sky cam, or any other object, the ball will be dead immediately, and the down will be replayed at the previous spot.

2. If there is not an on-field ruling that the ball struck an object, the Replay Assistant is empowered to initiate a booth review, including if the event occurs prior to the two-minute warning. If, prior to the two-minute warning, no booth review is initiated by the Replay Assistant, a coach's challenge is permitted under the customary procedures for such a challenge.

3. In the event the down is replayed: (a) The game clock will be reset to the time remaining when the snap occurred. (b) All penalties will be disregarded, except for personal fouls which will be administered prior to replaying the down.


Yup. What a crock of bullshit. PFT has a good summary of possible problems arising from the rule, but I have my own scenario in mind...

November 1, 2009. Seahawks (4-2) at Cowboys (4-2)...

With 2:53 remaining in the 4th, Dallas leads Seattle 20-17. The Cowboys are stopped on 3rd down, so it looks like Matt Hasselbeck and the Seattle offense will get a chance to drive for the tying FG or winning TD. Boom goes the punt, and Deon Butler fields a wobbler at his own 35. Butler makes a couple of guys miss, gets a couple of great blocks, and he's gone! Seattle takes a 23-20 lead, soon to be 24-20 with only 2:40 left to play.

A red challenge flag flutters from the Dallas sideline. Sure enough, Wade Phillips is challenging the ruling on the field that the ball did NOT graze the bottom of the giant video screen. After a long delay, it kinda sorta looks like the ball's trajectory was altered by hitting the underbelly of that video beast. The ruling on the field is reversed.

Do-Over.

On the ensuing re-kick feast becomes famine for our rattled rookie returner. Butler muffs the punt, Dallas recovers at Seattle's 30, and the Cowboys kick a FG with 0:45 left to make it 27-20. A final desperation Seahawks drive comes up short, and another sordid, shameful chapter in Seahawks history is written.

As Patton Oswalt might say... Drink, Punch, Cry.

I'd love to tell you that absolutely won't happen.. but the NFL is leaving the door wide open for some team, Hawks or otherwise, to get absolutely buttfucked by this rule... all because the league office didn't have the carbals to tell Jerry Jones that he done did fuck up royal.

Stay tuned...

Mark Tye Turner is our Chairman Mao. This is the Twelve Army's Little Red Book.

I've had the awesome privilege to get an advance copy of Notes from a 12 Man: A Truly Biased History of the Seattle Seahawks by Mark Tye Turner. I can say without hyperbole that not only is this the best book ever written about the Seattle Seahawks, it's one of the best sports books I've ever read, period. Full stop.

Take that, Ball Four!

A lot of people throw around the term "required reading" when it comes to a book they like... I truly believe that the Seahawks should buy up about 60,000 copies of this tome, bundle them up with the 2010 season ticket packages, and then quiz everyone on the book. Don't pass the quiz? You don't set foot in Qwest. Ok, that might just be seven years as a college professor talking (goddamnit, do the fucking reading, you lazy shits!), but you get my drift.

My initial reaction to reading this book was "well, I'm boned." Why? Because Turner somehow gained access to every Seahawks memory in my twisted little mind, but then expressed those thoughts more clearly, and funnier. If I ever want to write a book, it better be about my obsession with 1980s Cold War movies now. Cripes.

Turner and I share not only Seahawks fandom, but we both matriculated at Western Washington University. In one exceptional passage in the book, Turner mentions how his first two years of college freedom in Bellingham somewhat softened the blow of the Seahawks' epic suckage in 1980-1981. In 1993-1994 I had the EXACT same experience, and both of us worked at KUGS-FM a little more than a decade apart...

You might think this is just one Viking scratching the hairy, pillaging back of another with a fawning review... My initial retort would be "bite shit!" After that, I'd probably apologize and try to get you to read this book.

It covers not only the entire history of our team, but also EVERY LITTLE THING that us Twelves complain about... 10 am East coast games... Arrowhead Stadium... XL... It's ALL in there. Turner also writes in a punchy style that is inviting to casual fans as well as the hard core. If you're a season ticket holder, you can use this to brush up on your knowledge of the team.... If you want to make your nephew a Seahawks fan, give him this book. If you want your significant other to understand why you are a Twelve, give him/her/your Repliee Q1 Expo Robot a copy, and then they might get it.

When I was younger, Fred Moody's Fighting Chance deepened my love of the Seahawks. Before I grew up and realized that he was a bitter twisted hack reveling in failure and negativity, Dan Shaughnessy's Curse of the Bambino helped my love of the Boston Red Sox blossom.

Mark Tye Turner's Notes from a 12 Man: A Truly Biased History of the Seattle Seahawks is this generation's Fighting Chance/Curse of the Bambino. I command you to pre-order it now, or line up at your local bookstore to buy a copy on September 9.

August 27, 2009

The Pain From an Old Wound


That's the trailer for "Big Fan," and I'd want to see it just based on Patton Oswalt's involvement alone. However, knowing the storyline makes it a must-see for me. Oswalt plays a life-long NY Giants fan who ends up with a chance to meet his favorite player, who beats the shit out of him and puts him in the hospital. From there, it just gets worse, with the player getting suspended, the police and his family pressuring him to file lawsuits and criminal charges, and the Giants going on a losing streak.

Change "Oswalt" to "me" and "Giants" to "Seahawks," and that whole ball of disaster sounds like my darkest, stickiest, most awful nightmare possible. My Seahawks fandom is an essential part of my personhood. I literally don't know who I would be if you took me to Lacuna and erased everything tagged "Seahawks" from my memories...

It would be unbelieveably easy for an outsider to belittle that... To think it's completely batshit crazy that I am so deeply attached to a mere sports team. The thing is, anyone who has ever dressed up like Chewbacca for a Star Wars film, or written fan fiction, or been so obsessed about a band that they hunted down bootlegs and Japanese import singles SHOULD BE ABLE TO RELATE TO THIS.

Geekdom is geekdom, no matter what the object, and that devotion and obsession comes from a real, deeply personal place.

I'm not talking about those dipshits who watch a lot of football, but change allegiances each fall... or the jackanapes who ran out to buy a Mike Vick or Brett Favre jersey in the last week... or even the Seahawks "fans" who boo players who have pissed blood for the Twelve Army and snicker under their breath about the "Sea Chickens." For these jokers, OUR thing is just a diversion that could easily be replaced by something shiny and new.

For US, this thing goes back a long way.. maybe all the way back. Maybe your Dad put you in Seahawks onesies from birth... Maybe your Uncle took you to a game when you were six... Maybe your Mom let you decorate the living room in Seahawks finery and watched the games with you, just so you'd have it in common.

..and once that ball started skipping down the hill like an onside kick, other things in your life stuck to it. Great memories and painful ones too, and you could relate them either directly or indirectly to the Seahawks. For me, I vividly remember watching Largent break the "consecutive games with a catch" record in a hospital room, visiting my sister after my nephew's birth. Thankfully, everyone else in the room wanted that game on nearly as much as I did... The Seahawks weren't a DISTRACTION to the blessed event... They were an enhancement.

So first loves, heartbreaks, dates with your future wife also get all tangled up in blue and green... You might not talk to your father for half a decade, but if he called you tomorrow you could probably talk about the Hawks picking up Edgerrin James.

I don't have a relationship with my Dad anymore, but most of the good memories I have of spending time with him growing up are linked to the Seahawks... I have a great connection to my much-younger brother, and a great big hunk of that connective tissue is bright lime Seahawks green.

So it's not just a game... it's not just a hobby.. it's twisted up with everything else that matters like strands of DNA. Like most things, it's best described by Don Draper:

"Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved."

This might have been absolute raving gibberish... but I bet some of you can relate.

What do you think, sirs?

August 26, 2009

Top 5: Seahawks beat Chiefs!


There is very little for Seahawks fans to brag about when it comes to our history against the Kansas City Chiefs. Aside from cool nostalgia value, that clip of Seattle's 1978 win at Arrowhead is photographic evidence of one of only FIVE Seahawks wins in TWENTY-FIVE trips to Kansas City. Even in front of the home crowd, Seattle is an unimpressive 13-11 all-time versus the Chiefs.... That adds up to 18-31, or a .367 winning percentage.

Side note: Want some evidence why you should thank the league for moving us to the NFC West? Seattle's all-time winning percentage v. AFC West teams? .424

Against our current NFC West foes since 2002? .619

Anyway, this record of futility and despair makes the few aberrant Seattle wins all the sweeter... Here is the top 5:

5. 11/21/99 Seahawks 31, Chiefs 19
4. 11/26/99 Seahawks 23, Chiefs 14
That game in KC was the high-water mark for the 1999 Seahawks. It was only the 5th Seattle win at Arrowhead EVER, and it ran the Seahawks' record to a gaudy 8-2. After such an emphatic win at the Seahawks' Temple of Doom, I started figuring out how I could scrape together the time and money for a road trip from Columbus to Atlanta in January, because my Hawks were XXXIV bound, and my geeky ass was going to be there.

It turned out that Ricky Watters' infamous throat-cutting gesture after the game-sealing run at Arrowhead was predicting Seattle gurgling from a gaping neck wound for the next month, not the demise of the Chiefs. The Hawks were 8-2, and the Chiefs were a lackluster 5-5. Over the next month, while the Seahawks plummeted into a dark, cold abyss, KC marauded through its schedule destroying anyone in their way.

I was in attendance at the Kingdome's final regular season contest, and the Seahawks entered the game in a completely zombified state. Seattle hadn't won since Arrowhead, and it looked like Mike Holmgren's first season would end in a historic collapse, particularly with the streaking Chiefs coming to town on a four-game WINNING streak.

Look, I'm not a moron. I know the players are the ones who scored the points, who made the tackles, etc. But on that day, you couldn't shake the feeling that 64,000 Seahawks fans would simply not allow the guys wearing blue to lose. The ONLY game where the Twelve Army was ever louder than Boxing Day 1999 was the 2005 NFC Championship, and the Chiefs, an otherwise solid team that year, was obviously and absolutely freaked the fuck out by the atmosphere in the Dome.

Elvis Grbac was less poised than a meth addict, chucking three picks and making Kitna look competent in comparison. Even with this uplifting win, the Hawks would start hibernating again the next week, getting shanked by the Jets on the road and needing an OT FG from THE FUCKING RAIDERS to win the AFC West on the basis of this head-to-head sweep over KC. Then the Hawks would send the Kingdome into retirement (in the way replicants in Blade Runner were "retired") with an embarrassing Wild-Card loss to the ancient Marino and his unremarkable Dolphins.

Jesus, 1999 sucked, didn't it?

3. 11/4/84 Seahawks 45, Chiefs 0
Your usual NFL blowout quickly becomes a turgid, boring affair. Whether your team is ahead or behind by 30+ points, watching Lonely Island youtube clips suddenly becomes a very tempting option. This particular game was quite different...

It was a competitive game into the second quarter. In fact, KC was deep in Seattle territory and only trailed 3-0 when Dave Brown snagged an errant throw and raced 90 yards the other way for Seattle's first touchdown.

Then it was Keith Simpson going 76 yards for another defensive TD, and the rout was on like a bad check from Homer J. Fong. As if to more deeply humiliate KC's quarterbacks, Dave Krieg threw two touchdowns to guys wearing the same Seattle uni he sported, and it was 31-0 at halftime.

While Coach Knox mercifully tried to shorten the game by calling almost nothing but running plays, the Chiefs kept throwing it and Seahawks defenders kept scoring touchdowns... One more for Brown in the 3rd, and one for DPOY Kenny Easley in the 4th.

THREE KC quarterbacks combined to deliver six interceptions to Seattle DBs. Hell, Terry Taylor snagged two but that ninny couldn't find his way to the end zone even once. Loser. Seattle's four interception returns for TDs in a single game is still a league record.

2. 11/27/83 Seahawks 51, Chiefs 48 (OT)
This is still probably the most entertaining regular season game in team history. The Hawks came in 6-6, and needed a win to keep any hope of postseason play alive. At the half, the Chiefs led 28-14. Early in the 4th, they led 42-31... But the Seahawks never stopped digging those talons into the red flesh of the KC invaders...

Chuck Knox used rookie stud Curt Warner as a blunt instrument of trauma, feeding him the ball 32 times. The former Nittany Lion rewarded his coach by gobbling up 207 yards rushing and notching three touchdowns... However, the story of Seattle's amazing 1983 season probably has a very different ending if KC had converted a PAT attempt late in the 4th quarter. Instead of Theotis Brown's TD giving the Chiefs a 49-45 lead, it was only 48-45. Norm Johnson made one 42 yard kick as time expired to tie the game, and another in OT to give Seattle a season-saving triumph.

1. 11/11/90 Seahawks 17, Chiefs 16
I just talked about this once-in-an-epoch win recently... Here's what I had to say:


Thomas couldn't QUITE wrap up Mudbone for that 8th sack, could he? That loss would ultimately cost KC the AFC West title, a home game in the playoffs and a first-round bye. Heh.

At the time I was a snot-nosed 15 year old poppin' my pimples in Richland, WA. My mom let me turn our basement TV room into a "Seahawks Cave" during football season, with posters, banners, newspaper clippings, and so on blanketing the walls.

We were getting ready to move to Kennewick, and that day the realtor was having an open house (yes, my little punk-ass insisted on staying put to watch the Hawks that day rather than, you know, watching the game elsewhere). The whole tribe was packed into the "Seahawks Cave", and when Krieg hit Skansi for the winning TD we all went completely luggage-throwin'-ape-shit. I jumped so high I hit my head on the roof of the basement, and the realtor came running downstairs thinking that we were murdering each other or something... All we could do was scream incoherently and point at the TV. We didn't get any offers on the house that day, obviously.


Fun fact: after that joyous day in 1990, the Seahawks would lose 14 out of their next 15 games against the Chiefs. That single win in 1994? By one goddamn point.

My god, just get out of Arrowhead without any major injuries this Saturday, guys. Why do we even agree to play these guys in the preseason at this point? Thankfully we don't have to play there in the regular season again until 2014...

August 24, 2009

2009 Milestone Watch: Matt Hasselbeck

Today's signing of Edgerrin James got me thinking: What individual career milestones are in reach for Seahawks players this year? The first installment? Matthew Hasselbeck, along with my guesses on the probability of each event happening this season (all data from Pro Football Reference):

-Seahawks Career All-Time-Leader in Passing Attempts
Trails Dave Krieg by 258 here. Even in 2008, he threw 209 passes. Probability? 95%

-SCATL in Completions
96 completions behind Krieg. Barring injury, he gets this. Probability? 95%

-SCATL in passing yards
2728 yards behind Mudbone. If Hass doesn't throw for that many yards this fall, the team and probably Beck himself are in bad shape. Probability? 90%

-SCATL in Pro Bowl Appearances by a QB
Tied with Krieg at 3... I think he has a shot, but would have to fight through a tough field of NFC QB talent. Probability? 35%

-SCATL in games started at QB
16 behind Krieg. Can tie this mark with a full season, but I think Seneca starts a game or two this year. Tie Probability? 25%

-SCATL in wins as a starting QB
12 behind Krieg. I'm optimistic about '09, but not THAT optimistic. Probability? 20%

-SCATL in TD passes
50 behind David Krieg. Nope, this will have to wait for '10. Probability? 1%

The bottom line? Beck is poised to settle just about every possible argument about who is the greatest QB in team history. We all love Mudbone, but almost all of his career franchise bests are about to fall...

Ok Edge, join the blues...

PFT is reporting that the Seahawks have signed Edgerrin James. I like this move, given that James showed that he had some fire/ability left in Arizona's final 5 games last season. He rushed for 100 yards against us in week 17 last year, and looked spry throughout the Cardinals' post season run to Tampa.

If Edge can get 427 yards rushing this season, he will become the 7th-leading rusher in NFL history.

What do you think, sirs?

A Hero Will Rise


Most Seahawks fans live in the glorious splendor of the Pacific Northwest, chomping on Tim's Cascade Style Chips and chasing them with Jones Soda while they watch Seahawks preseason games.

Some of us aren't so lucky... we live deep behind enemy lines. People think our 12th Man Flags are some sort of NASCAR thing. We can only get Tim's via the internet (my fave? Creamy Cucumber), and what little people know about our Hawks is usually dead wrong.

The NFL Network has tried to ease the pain of us Expatriated Twelves by airing 3 of our 4 preseason games live... However, this Saturday is the one that NFLN ISN'T showing live. Thankfully, King 5 is. At 5 pm Best Coast time, it's Hawks at Chiefs.

Here is where I am calling upon a loyal Twelve to step up and help all of us outside King 5's range who want to watch the game live. This is a call to arms, my friends!

1. Go check out justin.tv.
2. Figure out how to put a live feed from your TV up on justin.tv
3. Broadcast the Seahawks/Chiefs game live this Saturday evening.

The more people that do this, the better. If you have the proper set-up and technical know-how to pull this off, your fellow Twelves need you to step up.

Anyone who does will get mad props on this blog.

August 23, 2009

The Ohio Hawk Sox will Maul/Strangle Your Fantasy Football Team (UPDATED WITH ROSTER)

I really don't want to be one of those guys who bores everyone with blather about his fantasy team (cough... Tony Kornheiser... cough), but since today is my league's draft I thought I'd do ONE post about this stuff.

I used to stay away from Fantasy Football like it was H1N1, because I hated the conflicts of interest it created for me. "Fuck! Torry Holt just scored! The Seahawks are losing! But my fantasy team is winning!" So for a long spell, I was out like gout.

What pulled me back in? Running my own league, y'all. Even if my team loses, I get a big nerd thrill out of setting the rules up, administering the league... You know, like being The Rog. Plus, I just don't pick players from teams I hate... So no Steelers, Rams, Niners, Cardinals, Raiders, Broncos, or Cowboys will besmirch the Hawk Sox roster this season.

You might reply... "That's fantasy suicide, brah! That's like a quarter of the league!" I'd smack you for saying "brah," then lay this science on you: I did that last year and still won the gorram league championship. Sure, it was only because Drew Brees went all Dr. Manhattan on the whole NFL, but I'll take it.

I'll let you know how my roster shakes out tonight, but I'll try to keep my fantasy boasting/whining confined to twitter and/or facebook for the balance of the season.

Anyone else in fantasy leagues? Drop your team names on me in the comments... Here's a few Seahawks-related ones I came up with:

-Leavy Punchers
-Terrible Towel Wipers
-Alex Smith's Shoulder of Despair
-I Speak Twelvish
-Holmgren's Bucket of Smelt
-Score Composed by John L. Williams
-Jim Zorn's Giant Box of Porn
-Mike Harden's Concussed Brainpan
-The Phantom Touchdowns
-Falling Kingdome Tiles of Doom


Would you like to know more?

UPDATE: The Roster
Please note that this is a 16 team league with rosters of 16 (256 player draft)...

Starters
QB Tom Brady, Patriots
WR Andre Johnson, Texans
RB Darren Sproles, Chargers
TE John Carlson, Seahawks
W/R Chad Ochocinco, Bengals
W/R Wes Welker, Patriots
K Lawrence Tynes, Giants
D Seattle Seahawks


Bench
RB Julius Jones, Seahawks
RB Ricky Williams, Dolphins
WR Derrick Mason, Ravens
WR Joshua Cribbs, Browns
WR Johnnie Lee Higgins, Raiders
TE Billy Miller, Saints
QB Jake Delhomme, Panthers
D Houston Texans


Ok, so one Raider slipped in there... at least we don't play them in the regular season...

Seahawks 27, Broncos 13

Bad news first: Early on, our defense made Kyle Orton look like, well... Jay Cutler. Given that I already wanted to punch Josh McDaniels in his smug little face, the idea that our defense was somehow concealing his idiocy bugged the shit out of me.

Our O-line allowed Beck to get sacked thrice... Let me say that in Newspeak: That's triple-plus ungood.

Other than that, I was pleased with Seattle's performance... onto the highlights:

Matt Hasselbeck was in "odd year" form (you know, his Pro Bowl years of 2003, 2005 and 2007), going 16/23 for 172 yards, two TDs and zero picks. He dropped two "in the bucket" to Deon Butler and TJH for scores.

Justin Forsett appeared to solidify his grip on the 3rd RB spot, particularly with his skill catching the ball and killing Yaks from 200 yards away.... WITH MIND BULLETS!

After a shaky start, the Seattle defense started forcing turnovers and doling out steaming bowls of hot, creamy punishment to Denver's callow minions... Nick Reed blocked a punt, got a couple of sacks and went back in time to win the Vietnam War. Yes, the Eugene Machine makes Rambo look like Pre-Old Spice Swagger Tony Stewart.

Hell, I was even impressed by the Qwest Field crowd. The joint was packed for a preseason game, and reasonably loud. The whole Sounders FC thing is cute, but the real rulers of Qwest are back in town, ladies and gents.

I'm sure Field Gulls and Seahawk Addicts will have actually competent, informed breakdowns tomorrow, but this relatively easy win should sooth some of the more jittery Twelves out there after the bad news on Big Walt and Tru earlier this week.

What do you think, sirs?

August 21, 2009

Top 10: Seahawks Beat Broncos!

Yeah, Saturday night is just a preseason game... but it's still the Broncos, and if you're an old school Twelve like me, you still HAAAAAAATE these guys.

You know what our all-time record is against these Rocky Mountain Oysters? 18-33. That's a .353 winning percentage, WORSE THAN THE 2009 WASHINGTON NATIONALS! But whether they were festooned in orange like a prison work detail, or wearing nike unis with huge sweat stains... every once in a while Seattle would rise up and take a piece out of these jokers. Here's the top 10:

10. 12/8/79 Seahawks 28, Broncos 23
The Broncos came into the Kingdome knowing this: at 10-4, they'd win the AFC West with wins in their last two games... one against the 7-7 Seahawks (who had never beaten the Broncos before), and the MNF finale at the mighty San Diego Chargers. In a weird scheduling quirk, Denver was ending the season with three road games. Coming off a win at Buffalo, the Broncos just needed to defeat Seattle to set up the big showdown with Air Coryell.

They looked past Seattle.

Jim Zorn torched the NFL's 5th best defense for 308 yards and two TDs, including the game-winning bomb to Largent in the 4th. Denver would back into the playoffs and lose in the Wild Card game at Houston.. Not bad for our first win against Denver, huh?

9. 12/24/83 Seahawks 31, Broncos 7
You'd think the first-ever playoff win in team history would be higher on the list, but this one is overshadowed by the upset win at Miami the following week. In addition, the game was a snoozer blowout. Steve DeBerg led the Broncos to their doom that day, before being replaced by the rookie Elway in garbage time.

Dave Krieg only threw 13 passes that day, but he completed 12 of them for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns.

8. 12/11/88 Seahawks 42, Broncos 14
7. 9/4/88 Seahawks 21, Broncos 14
The first of only two Seattle season sweeps of the Broncos... If Denver had won either of these games, they win the AFC West and Seattle has one less banner hanging from the Qwest Field rafters. The Broncos were two-time defending AFC Champions, and huge favorites over Seattle at Mile High on Opening Day 1988... Krieg was mistake free while Mr. Ed barfed up three turnovers, and the Hawks escaped with a 21-14 win.

The rematch in Seattle three months later was no contest: Warner and JLW both rambled for over 100 yards rushing, and Dave Krieg was 19/22 with two TDs and no picks.

In a four year span the Broncos went to three Super Bowls. In 1988, the Seahawks rose up and smote they asses right out of postseason contention.

6. 12/20/86 Seahawks 41, Broncos 16
The capstone to the maddening but memorable 1986 season... Curt Warner was Buck Whylin' like Terminator X that day, racking up 192 yards and 3 touchdowns in his best post-ACL tear performance. Krieg was 17/24 for 238 yards and two more scores... Seeing a trend here? Back in the 80s, when Mudbone had a great day, the Broncos were screwwwwed.

5. 12/13/87 Seahawks 28, Broncos 21
I can't explain it any better than this:



4. 12/3/06 Seahawks 23, Broncos 20

As I wrote at the time:

Whew. Another amazing win for the flawed, ferocious, fundamentals-challenged, kevlar-willed Seattle Seahawks. In a town that had seen only four Seattle victories in 30 seasons, the Hawks ONCE AGAIN found a way to overcome adversity, whether caused by the opposition or themselves…

What a strange game… Even more than usual, I was cursing the Hawks one moment, only to declare my eternal devotion the next..

Look! The defense caused five turnovers and scored a touchdown! F**k! Those idiots just missed four tackles and let the Donkeys tie the game!

Shit! This offense couldn’t move the ball down a ski jump! Holy balls! They put up 16 points in the 4th quarter, including a 2-minute drill to set up JB’s game winner!

Goddamn it, Josh! You missed two field goals! Woo-hoo! JB laid out Denver’s kick returner and made his SIXTH game winning kick since October 2005!

(Brown’s 4th game-winning FG this season tied that NFL record)


3. 11/20/92 Seahawks 16, Broncos 13 (OT)
You should just go read this, but here's the best part...

Both offenses flailed about like two drunk sorority chicks in a cat fight, and the Hawks were somehow only down 13-6 in the final minutes... A face-mask penalty on a punt return set us up at the Denver 35, but it still felt like it would take a miracle to put 7 on the board. Somehow Stan Gelbaugh got us inside the 10, and on
4th and goal he hit Brian Blades for the tying TD. Blades did some stupid early-90s celebration dance and the Kingdome crowd erupted like it was 1984 all over again. In OT John Kasay booted Seattle to only its 2nd win of the season, and Denver spiraled to a 8-8 collapse and an Xmas at home just like the pathetic Seattlites.

It was one of the only bright spots of 1992; I remember running out onto my front yard and screaming "SEAAAAAAHAWWWWWKKKKKSSSSSS!" into the night after that win.


2. 11/25/84 Seahawks 27, Broncos 24
This one gets overshadowed a bit by our loss to Denver at the dome a month later with the division title on the line, but what a win!

This was the one that started with an 80-yard Krieg-to-Turner bomb on the FIRST PLAY for a 7-0 Seattle lead... Krieg would incinerate the Broncos, accumulating 406 passing yards, tossing three TDs and nary an INT. This was also the best regular season game of Steve Largent's Hall of Fame career: 12 catches for 191 yards and a score.

The Hawks built up a 27-17 lead in the 4th, but it looked like young Elway would pull off a soul-crushing comeback. Denver scored to pull within three, and had a chance to send the game to OT on the final play. Rich Karlis booted the ball with his bare foot... it looked good... then faded... faded... CLANG! the upright. NO GOOD! Seahawks win! That SHOULD be #1, but what happened at Mile High in 1995 topped this.

1. 12/10/95 Seahawks 31, Broncos 27
The mid 90s are mostly a grey blur of mediocrity, but this one stands out... bolded, italic, underlined. Not only was it another Seattle win that kept Denver out of the playoffs, but it was the greatest comeback in team history, against our most despicable rivals and chief tormentor.

I was going to Western at the time, and living in the Fairhaven dorms. It was final exam time, and instead of cramming I was glued to the Hawks/Broncos throwdown. As the game went on, my textbooks started to look more appealing than witnessing another Elway-administered beatdown. Denver led 20-0 at one point, and even after a Peterson FG, it was 20-3 at the half.

Denver was deep in Seattle territory early in the 3rd, about to make it 27-3. The Hawks gambled on D, sending Robert Blackmon on a safety blitz. Blackmon obliterated Mr. Ed and Antonio Edwards scooped up the fumble and rambled 83 yards for a TD that completely shifted the momentum. I leaned out my dorm window and brayed like a farm animal after that one...

Seattle still trailed 27-17 in the 4th, but rallied for two late touchdowns, leading to more out-the-dorm-window screaming.



What do you think, sirs?

August 20, 2009

Jesus Christ, People.. There's No Such Thing as Curses!

"Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen *anything* to make me believe that there's one all-powerful Force controlling everything. 'Cause no mystical energy field controls *my* destiny. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense."

As Peter King might say... True words, Han Solo. Lofty words.

We all love Seahawk Addicts. Damn, I genuflect before them daily, kneel before Zod, all that jazz. But this one bugged me. I commented over there, but I felt I needed to tease this out to a whole post of my own...

The main point of that post is an argument that the Seahawks franchise is "cursed." Nothing makes me roll my eyes and starting making a wanking motion more than when someone rolls out the "WE'RE CURSED!" argument. Why?

1. There's no such thing as curses, y'all. As Penn & Teller might say, the whole concept is BULLSHIT. Maybe it's because I'm not religious, maybe it's because I've had over a decade of training in critical thinking crammed into my brainpan... but show me the cause and effect relationship between a "curse" and any event. I'll wait... Nothing? Yeah, that's what I thought. Seriously, how is a curse supposed to work, Spooky Mulder? Dude, if you actually think curses are real, you probably also think there's value in astrology...



2. The all-time best example of a sports curse? The Curse of the Bambino, right? The Boston Red Sox were cursed because they sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees, and didn't win a World Series for 86 years. But wait! They "broke" the curse in 2004, and on top of that, they won AGAIN in 2007. In fact, they are probably the best MLB team of this decade. The thing is, THERE NEVER WAS A CURSE. If there was some iron clad mystical curse laid on the Red Sox by the gods, did it have a fucking expiration date? Fuck no! Because that's STOOPID.

The Red Sox finally won because they had excellent starting and relief pitching in the postseason, coupled with a bunch of mother fuckers beating the shit out of the ball. The Cubs will win when they get better players. There's no curse, it's not Bartman's fault, and on and on and on.

The Seahawks? Where is the evidence that the team is "cursed?" What is the source of the curse? Who laid it upon us? At least people built a whole back story around the Red Sox and Cubs "curses."

You might point out Super Bowl XL (grrr). The awful officiating in XL wasn't a curse. It was a group of seven cowards intimidated by a very unusually partisan Super Bowl crowd. Take that one variable out of the equation (Leavy and his wussy minions), and we aren't even having this idiotic discussion. We'd have a Lombardi Trophy sitting in the lobby of the VMAC, and no one would be blathering about a "curse."

Apart from the Knox and Holmgren eras, Seattle simply hasn't been a very well-run team. The stars didn't align to keep the mediocre 1990s teams out of the playoffs. They just weren't very good. I'm sure the expansion years were fun with the fake field goals and Zorn running around like a 3rd grader with a sparkler, but they never had the talent to compete for a Super Bowl.

3. If you believe that curses control the destiny of sports teams, WHY DO YOU ROOT FOR THEM???? If you really think that your team has no chance to win because they are cursed, following them is an utter and complete waste of time. Everything is predestined, predetermined... scripted. You may as well go watch the WWE if you believe in sports curses.

4. The bottom line? Believing in curses is a way intellectually lazy people explain things they don't understand. Smarten up. and once again, don't give up on your team because of a bad news day in August. Cripes.

August 19, 2009

Keep Calm and Carry On

First to fall over when the atmosphere
is less than perfect
Your sensibilities are shaken by the slightest defect
You live you life like a canary in a coalmine
You get so dizzy even walking in a straight line

-The Police

Yeah, I know, bad news about Tru and Big Walt today. I admit it: I'm worried. No one should be pleased about Trufant having a disc issue in his back, or Jones having arthroscopic knee surgery. These could possibly be crippling losses for the 2009 Seahawks.

But none of that is predestined. We are not doomed to failure. To paraphrase what Chuck Knox told the team after Curt Warner shredded his knee in the 1984 opener...

Walter Jones and Marcus Trufant do not play special teams. Other players can improve their performance in that area.

Walter Jones and Marcus Trufant don't run the ball or catch the ball. Our backs and WRs can step up their games.

Walter Jones and Marcus Trufant don't rush the opposing team's quarterback. Our front seven on defense can do more than expected...

and so on.... Without one of their best players, the '84s were one of the best squads in team history.

So yes, be concerned. But do not panic, and don't give up on this team because of a bad news day in August.

Fuzzy Kingdome Memories: November 28, 1993

First of all, props to commenter Zem for jogging my memory on this game... To paraphrase the narrator from (500) Days of Summer (great movie, by the way), this is not a love story... this is a story about love (for the Seahawks, and yes, for a girl). It's also a story about how John Elway made one of the worst days of my life even worse.... strap in...

Really, you should start here... but for those of you who don't want to go over to that link, here's the most important bits:

1993 was also my first year at Western, and yes, you'll have to slog through this... I was in love. She was a girl I had known for two years in high school, and we worked closely together on the school paper (NERRRRRRDS!). We became good friends, and a big chunk of the reason I went to WWU was to follow her there. I was already crazy about her before we left for Bellingham, but once we got there, as two dorks from the Tri-Cities, we hung onto each other for dear life. We ate at her dorm's dining hall every night. I would watch TV in her dorm room with her all the time (including Star Trek TNG every Saturday night... NERRRRDS!).... We spent 3-4 hours a day together.

Alas, I was Toby Flenderson to her Pam Beesly... We were "best friends," but of course that wasn't what I wanted... and being an 18-year-old dipshit, I had some weird ways of trying to woo her.

Like taking her to a Seahawks game.


Over a month after that stirring victory over the Patriots, it was Thanksgiving Break, and we were both back home in Kennewick. Things were going well between us, in a completely platonic way (grrrrr). We shared a ride from Bellingham to Kennewick together at the start of the break, and had agreed to drive back early on Sunday morning, and go to the Seahawks/Broncos game together before getting up to WWU for our Monday classes.

Even though I had already taken her to a Seahawks game, this was a BRONCOS game. On top of that, it was one of those Death Match kind of games... The Hawks were 5-5, and the Broncos were 6-4. Seattle had beaten up on the Browns two weeks earlier, and had the bye week to prepare for the 3rd highest-scoring offense in the NFL. I for one was confident that this was where the Hawks would put it all together and start a postseason run. I was also confident it would be a great day with my (I wish she was more than) best friend, nudging us that much closer to dating, marriage, babies, all that jazz.

Then I got the phone call. 7 am. She not only wasn't going to go to the game with me, she was going to get a ride back to Bellingham with someone else. Another guy. Who I would later find out was her new boyfriend. Ouch.

I wish I could tell you that I took the news with grim stoicism and class. BZZZZZZZ! Nope. Wrong answer. I took it more like a crying, whiny little bitch. By the time I got my shit together, it was 9 am and I had to hustle to make it to the game by kickoff. For the first time, I'd be going to a game solo.

I hit Seattle about 12:30, and drove right into the gaping maw of pre-game traffic, which I usually miss by being ridiculously early. So I found myself sitting on the ramp off I-90, within sight of the Dome, gridlocked. I didn't get into the stadium until a few minutes into the first quarter, but there was no score yet. Yay!

I got to my seat in the 300 level, just in time to see the pivotal play of the game, and of Seattle's season. I hadn't even sat down yet... It was 3rd and long for Denver from midfield. 65,000 twelves combined to make a deafening roar, and it looked like Antonio Edwards was going to force a 3-and-out or a turnover with a vicious blindside hit on Mr. Ed...

Somehow, Elway pulled a Ben Kenobi, sensed his impending doom, ducked under Edwards and fired a perfect 50-yard TD strike to Shannon Sharpe. 7-0 Denver, but it felt like 70-0.

The Hawks would get it together, sacking Elway 4 times (including once for a safety) and picking him once, but once Rod Bernstine punched it in late in the 4th to make it 17-9 the game and Seattle's season was over (nope, no two-point conversions in the NFL until 1994, boys and girls).

The Seahawks would finish with a 1-4 Death March towards a disappointing 6-10 finish (yes, much better than 2-14 in 1992, but still a gut punch after a 5-5 start), while Denver once again made the playoffs. This game is still one of my most unpleasant memories of being a Seahawks fan.

Me and the girl? A few months later, spurred by Valentines Day, I spilled my guts, told her I loved her, blah blah blah.

She sidestepped me and fired another TD strike of affection to her new boyfriend, unfortunately. Things ended BADLY between us.

So thanks, Elway, for making a terrible day in my life even worse. Horse faced fucker.

"Don't Infect Me With Your Poison..."

The main mission of this blog is pretty simple, really. I try to seek out and destroy idiocy directed at the Seattle Seahawks, either from outsiders or from so-called "fans" who spew nothing but negativity and despair.

You know this type of fan, and if you're here with me, you probably can't stand them either. The type that booed Hasselbeck last season. The type that always assumes the worst. The type that has a knee-jerk negative reaction to any type of Seahawks news. If these Eyores won the lotto, they'd complain about the taxes they have to pay on the winnings. Then there's the asstards who refer to Ruskell as "Timmay." Jesus. The front office and coaches aren't above criticism, but I do think they deserve the benefit of the doubt given the team's recent history, don't you?

I started out over on Seahawks.net, and I eventually got booted/left because I just couldn't stand the negativity. Far too many Seahawks sites are still festooned with commenters who see the bottle of Jones Soda as half empty ALL THE TIME. I don't ever want DKSB to get like that, which is one reason why I moderate the comments section here.

In addition to the negativity, there's also a subset of fans who shy away from boasting about being a Seahawk fan, who fail to defend the team when attacked by outsiders, and think the football gods will smite them if they publicly state that anything good will happen to this team.

Fuck that noise, I say! I am a Twelve! I believe in this team! I believe that they are going to rise up and take back this division, and the rest of the NFL had better be on notice that Seattle Aint Bullshittin'. If you are one of these Negative Creeps, you can ply your oozing black despair elsewhere.

Who is with me?

August 18, 2009

August 18, 1999

KIRKLAND- Two-time Super Bowl Champion John Elway has shocked the football world by coming out of retirement to play for the Seattle Seahawks. New Seattle Head Coach/GM Mike Holmgren made the bold move to acquire the quarterback who defeated his Packers in Super Bowl XXXII after neither Jon Kitna or Glenn Foley distinguished themselves as an elite QB in training camp.

"If you have a chance to sign the QB who has won the most games in NFL history, you do it," said Holmgren at a circus-like press conference at team headquarters in Kirkland. Kitna relinquished his #7 in deference to Elway, who is expected to see action in Seattle's next preseason game and start the season opener against Detroit on September 12.

"This is a sort of homecoming for me, having lived in Pullman growing up," said Elway. "It will be strange to wear another uniform, but I think Coach Holmgren is going to do great things here in Seattle, and I wanted to be part of that."

Elway will face his former team for the first time on November 14 at the Kingdome, and his surely bittersweet return to Denver as a Seahawk is on December 19. The move has electrified and divided the Seattle fanbase, many of which are skeptical about embracing the QB of a hated rival.


If all of that sounded like a nightmare you wanted to wake up from...

A) You're old enough to have been absolutely tormented by John Elway from 1983-1998.
B) You have some idea what it's like to be a Vikings fan today.

I HATED Elway. He threw for more yards and touchdowns against us than any other quarterback, and was 19-10 against us as a starter. It sure seemed even worse than that, with blowout losses and Elway comebacks seemingly happening every fall.

I remember in 1987, I was maybe 5 feet from him as he got off Denver's team bus before a game at the Kingdome. I wasn't in awe, I didn't want an autograph. I just shot eye-daggers of medical-grade hatred at him and literally, in my head, wished him ill. I wanted Jacob Green and Fredd Young to meet at Mr. Ed's knee and torso and split him in twain. I wanted him to writhe in pain on the Kingdome Astroturf as 65,000 Twelves roared in bloodlust.... Yes, I was a sick little 12-year old.

Even in '99, if the Seahawks had brought the guy in, I would have had to hold back the bile churning up my gullet... I sure as hell wouldn't have bought an Elway Seahawks jersey, so it blows my mind that ANY Vikings fan would plunk down $80 on a Vikings replica with "4 Favre" on the back.

So that's the Favre thing... translated into twelvish.

...and the Vikings just started waterboarding their fans

Reports are rampant that Mr. Wrangler Jeans is going to sign with the Vikings today Brett Favre is a Minnesota Viking... Given that I think he's a dried-up overrated primadonna who is going to lead Minnesota to absolute desolation and ruin this season, let me be the first to say:

Huzzah!

I can't wait for the first game the Vikings lose 20-17 to a division rival, where the D is solid, Purple Jesus runs for 200 yards, but The Land Baron sprays 3 picks, including one returned for the deciding touchdown... I will laugh an evil laugh.

Seriously, what can the Vikings do if he, you know, sucks? He's been so overhyped as the savior of all things purple, how do you bench him if he's playing like it's 2005? How do you control a divided locker room if HE is the reason Minnesota is losing games?

I still half-expect the Vikes to win the NFC North, but a deep playoff run isn't going to happen with one of the worst post-season QBs of the last decade under center... and if you're a Vikings fan, anything less than a trip to XLIV makes the Favre signing a complete and total catastrophe.

Just imagine if Bill Cowher was being introduced as Seattle's new coach, or that our new free agent signings were any combination of Joey Porter, Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and/or Troy Polamalu. Are there flames on the side of your face? THAT'S how much Vikings fans despise Favre. Minnesota can win the North and lose in the first round with Jackson or Rosenfels... If you do that with Brittfar, you don't get any value added, and you've been forced to root for a guy you HATE for an entire season.

Congrats, Vikings Nation! You're screwwwwed.

August 15, 2009

Seahawks 20, Chargers 14

I'll leave the hard core analysis to other sites, but tonight was clearly a satisfying evening for Seahawks fans... A win + no major injuries is about as good as things get in the preseason. These things stood out to me:

-Nick Reed had a monster game with two sacks and a nifty interception. Overall, the defense was stout (with the exception of a still shaky secondary).

-Anyone else think it's a bit soon to hand out the number 37 to another player? Courtney Greene looked very odd wearing it.

-Curt Menefee and Warren Moon were laughably bad in the booth. I think Menefee even invented a new concept: "Defensive Posessions." Wha?

-Anecdotally, it sure seems like female Seahawk fans on twitter are disproportionately smart and pretty. Unfortunately for them, many male Seahawk fans are loud, bearded fatasses.

-You're not fooling anyone, Miracle Whip. No ad can make your disgusting product "hip" or "cool."

-Jeff Rowe has Josh Brown's number AND body.

-It's going to be an extremely difficult set of decisions when it comes to cutting the WR corps down to 5 or 6 guys.

-It's 1:18 am here in Ohio, so I'm off to bed... I'll leave you with this pic of TJH lookin' sharp in his new Seattle duds...

The Beard is Ready For Some Football

Let's kick some Whale Vagina tonight, boys!

THIS.... IS.... SEATTLE!!!!

OK, I know the game's actually in San Diego, but here's what our new OLB just tweeted:

SeaHawk59 Today is my first battle as a Spartan Warrior!

If that doesn't get you pumped for tonight's game, you're a Vulcan.... and not Spock either... one of those lame nerd ones that got sucked into that black hole.

I know it's only preseason, but I gotta use this:

The Next Generation of Twelves Says: Let the 2009 Festival of Ass Kicking Begin!

GO SEAHAWKS!

August 14, 2009

Seahawks/Chargers Preview (via District 9)


Would you like to know more?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

The Neckbeard sprayed picks all over Bill Walsh Field at Whatever They Are Calling It This Week Park tonight, and he looks to be in serious danger of losing his job to someone who is missing significant body parts.

McDaniels already has the stench of Les Steckel hovering around him like a cloud of failure, doesn't he? Next week's preseason home opener against these jokers should be a hoot, but the real fun will be had on April 22, 2010.

What do you think, sirs?

August 13, 2009

Play us off, The Hives


Yeah, I told y'all the Seahawks wouldn't touch Mike Vick with a 10-meter cattle prod. Once again, the Beard is proven right. The dog killer has signed a two-year deal with the Eagles, instantly shredding that organization's good name as far as I'm concerned....

I have to wonder what future Hall of Fame QB Donovan McNabb thinks about all this. They've been trying to run him out of town since he was drafted, but I think he can fend off a challenge from a dude who's primarily been trying to avoid getting shanked for a couple of years. Still, given the caveman mindset of Philly's fans, I expect them to be chanting Vick's name after every McNabb incompletion.

I'm calling it: This will result in the epic implosion of Philadelphia's season. No playoffs, and a nice fat round of firings after we ring in the New Year.

Bright Green? Screw it. Let's Go For it.

The rumors of a bright green alternate jersey just won't die. I say let's do this. Let's wear these things. Let's buy 'em in bulk. Let's show everyone a sea of Green Apple Jones Soda-loookin' Greenmen at Qwest each home game. Let's blind people. Let's bring on the torrent of hatred from Florio, from Uni Watch, from all corners of "respectable" NFL opinion.

Sure, it would look hideous... but it would be OUR hideous, atrocious, retina-scarring look. Then, when we win wearing them, all those haters, all those naysayers will have to take it. They'll want to look away, but they won't be able to.

Oh my god... I think if this happened the world might collapse into a Vulcan-destroying-esque black hole... Dec. 20... Bucs at Seahawks:



Jeebus... You'd need to have an eyewash station nearby just to watch that game. Let's do it!!!!

A Complete and Total Barf-O-Rama

I know it's football, and that we are all starved for hot NFL action, but I just can't watch this Steelers-Cardinals game on ESPN tonight. I'm just not in the mood to watch ESPN tongue bathe our most hated rival for three hours, with the added possibility of further Kurt Warner mythologizing (yes, we get it, he used to bag groceries) and moronic speculation about Ruskell signing Mike Vick.

It might be fun to see if Jon Gruden lets an f-bomb fly during the broadcast, but we aren't even likely to see any significant injuries with the starters playing so sparingly.

Side note: You might think it's crass to root for injuries. If so, you don't understand the realities of the NF-F**king-L. No one cut us a damn bit of slack last year when half our team was carted off on stretchers... I don't want anyone to suffer a life-threatening, debilitating injury, but would I be happy if Kurt Warner or Larry Fitz were knocked out for a niiiiiice looooong stretch of the season? HELL. YES. I. WOULD.

Like they said in Robocop, "That's life in the big city."

Anyway, I'm gonna go see District 9 at midnight tonight... maybe the aliens will destroy Pittsburgh... A guy can dream, right?

August 12, 2009

DKSB event in Indianapolis?

Right now this is just a germ of an idea in my head, but the regular season game I'm most likely to attend is our October 4 dust-up with the Colts. Any other Hawk fans already in/near Indy? Maybe a bunch of us Twelves could meet up somewhere cool to tailgate, and then all buy seats in the same section? Could be dope if we do this right... leave a comment here, e-mail me on my gmail (dksb17), or get me on facebook if you are interested in something like this.

Let's pack it in, ladies and gents... We're "not interesting."

Hey! All you Axe Body Spray using, sexual harassing, go-for-it sales types who waste the morning listening to "The Herd," here's an important announcement:

You don't know f**k all about the Seattle Seahawks, so shut the f**k up!

Here's what The Schrutebag put on the ol' twitter feed earlier today:

Amanda: Good morning! A question for you twitterites: which teams are least interesting in the NFL? Reply here or at theherd@espnradio.com

Some choice responses... feel free to descend upon them with great vengeance and furious anger...

wjrauber @HerdOnESPNRadio Least interesting in the NFL has to be the Seahawks. Too far out there (distance-wise), no great talent, poor division.

cpolicastro @HerdOnESPNRadio The Seahawks...what storyline do they have? Exactly.

Mvorey @HerdOnESPNRadio Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Seattle Seahawks at the best of times...YAWN!!!

ilovecupcake @HerdOnESPNRadio the seahawks nobody cares!!!

thesportszone @HerdOnESPNRadio Even though they have been one of the better teams over the last 5 years .. the Seahawks not interesting


You know what all of these schmucks have in common? Go look at the profiles pics... What a bunch of dumb f@#kin' honkeys... These jackasses look like they LOVE to read some Tucker Max and then go slip a girl a roofie. I know I'm going nuclear here, but since age 8 I've dealt with ignorant idiots who don't know thing one about the Hawks dismissing them as the "Sea Chickens" or the "Seashits."

What exactly makes a team "interesting?" It's obviously not just winning, because the Seahawks have done plenty of that. It aint just being on the eastern seaboard, because OTHER west coast teams get plenty of media love when they are good (49ers, Chargers, Raiders, Lakers, Dodgers come to mind). Is it winning + having a gaggle of jabbering primadonnas on your team? The Hawks have traditionally been light in that category...

At this point, I'm out of rational explanations. Why do YOU think so many non-northwesterners find the Seahawks "uninteresting?" At this point, I'm about ready to just say people have some weird grudge against/hatred of Seattle.

August 10, 2009

Is PFT's Florio Blinded by Hatred, Indifference or Stupidity?

Yes, I admit Pro Football Talk is a pretty indispensible NFL blog, but when you go over there you have to whip out your mental machete and hack through a lot of TALLLL grass of ignorance about our Seattle Seahawks. Today's example is actually from Florio's Sporting News column (which I aint gonna link to), in which he put up a list of active players who he thinks have a shot at the Hall of Fame.

The locks: Tom Brady, Payton Manning, Ladanian Tomlinson, Ray Lewis, and Tony Gonzalez.

No argument about any of those guys being 1st ballot inductees, but also no Walter Jones. Hmmm.. maybe he'll be among Florio's "borderline" cases...

Kurt Warner....

Terrell Owens....

Adam Vinatieri... (ok, now I'm starting to get pissed)

Edgerrin James....

And... get ready to spit out your Jones Soda and Tim's Cascade Style Chips:

Kevin Mawae.

KEVIN F**KING MAWAE?

Nice player, former Hawk, but last time I checked he wasn't one of the top 4 players of the decade... or on just about every all-decade team you could find on the internets... Yes, it's true: Walter Jones is the greatest Seahawk ever.

...and to Mike Florio, he's invisible. THAT should be embarrassing to PFT and NBC Sports, but who gives a shit about South Alaska, right?

Vince Young = Rick Mirer

I was watching the Bills/Oilers game last night (if the Titans are going to wear those unis, I'm calling them the Oilers), and it occurred to me that Seahawks fans have seen this movie before...

-High first round pick spent on a superstar college QB from an elite program (UT's Vince Young was 3rd overall pick in 2006, Notre Dame's Rick Mirer was 2nd overall pick in 1993)

-Kid looks great that first season (Mirer was 1993 AFC Offensive Rookie of the Year, Young was 2006 NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year)

-Some slippage in 2nd season, but still reason to think things might work out (Mirer yards and completion percentages dropped, Young tossed 17 ints v. only 9 touchdowns)

-In year three, they go complete Chernobyl (Mirer chucks up 20 interceptions; Young gets benched after one game, looks completely rattled)

-By year four, your one-time franchise savior is no longer even a competent NFL QB (Mirer's QB rating plummets to 56.6, Young looked like absolute garbage last night in Canton)

We don't know what the future holds for Vince Young, but we know one thing: No one is going to be stupid enough to trade a FIRST ROUND PICK for the dude. Heh. Thanks for Walter Jones, Chicago! Sausage-chomping, Ditka-fluffing morons...

August 9, 2009

November 11, 1990

That's how most of the NFL-viewing public remembers Veteran's Day 1990 (if they remember it at all). The great Derrick Thomas sacked Seattle QB Dave Krieg SEVEN times. It was an amazing individual performance, and with NFLN replaying that game in recent days, it's reminded all of us why Thomas is now in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Of course, we remember that day a little differently in Seahawks Nation:


Thomas couldn't QUITE wrap up Mudbone for that 8th sack, could he? That loss would ultimately cost KC the AFC West title, a home game in the playoffs and a first-round bye. Heh.

At the time I was a snot-nosed 15 year old poppin' my pimples in Richland, WA. My mom let me turn our basement TV room into a "Seahawks Cave" during football season, with posters, banners, newspaper clippings, and so on blanketing the walls.

We were getting ready to move to Kennewick, and that day the realtor was having an open house (yes, my little punk-ass insisted on staying put to watch the Hawks that day rather than, you know, watching the game elsewhere). The whole tribe was packed into the "Seahawks Cave", and when Krieg hit Skansi for the winning TD we all went completely luggage-throwin'-ape-shit. I jumped so high I hit my head on the roof of the basement, and the realtor came running downstairs thinking that we were murdering each other or something... All we could do was scream incoherently and point at the TV. We didn't get any offers on the house that day, obviously.

What are your memories of November 11, 1990? A great day in Chiefs history, but a better one in Seahawks history.

August 8, 2009

Let Six Years of Ass-Romping Begin!

Aaron Curry is in camp, and got a heroes welcome from all the Twelves at the VMAC this afternoon. Unless Field Gulls is totally off the mark (and those guys rarely are), we are going to enjoy watching AC terrorize QBs, RBs, and offensive coordinators for the next decade or so...

Oh, so many visions run through my head... Redding hurries Warner, who makes an ill-advised pass over the middle... Curry stabs it out of the air and takes it for six, and 66,000 lunatics in bright green and blue howl into the Seattle sky.

Frank Gore thinks he sees daylight, but the hole is filled by a blue dervish wearing number 59... the ball pops out, and Lofa Tatupu scoops up an easy Seattle touchdown...

I could continue, but you get the idea... It is fully and violently ON.

August 7, 2009

Be glad that I'm not running the Seahawks

As it appears Aaron Curry is on the verge of signing a deal and getting into Seahawks camp, it's worth reflecting on who a lot of people (including me) though Seattle should draft a few months ago.

Yup. Michael Crabtree. The guy who is making noise about sitting out the season unless his contract demands are met, and making our rivals to the south appear to have heads full of jello.

Unless you are Bo Jackson, sitting out your rookie year and re-entering the draft is pretty suicidal for your NFL career... combine that with Crabtree's injury problems, questions about his speed and the probability of him engaging in team-killing "divaness," and these are darker days than usual for the hapless Niners.

However, we might be in this mess if I was running the show in Renton... Remember this?

The Seahawks aim to return to the top of the NFC West in 2009. Michael Crabtree is the player most likely to help make that happen in this year's draft class.

Um... Wow. It's good to dig up things like this once in a while, just as a reminder that GMs and coaches have unbelievably difficult jobs, and us fans usually aren't knowledgeable enough to make better decisions than they would.

Unless Crabtree ends up in Niners camp, torches us for the next decade while Aaron Curry ends up doing straight-to-DVD action movies with Jean Claude Van Damme....

Then I'm a genius and Ruskell is a boob.... but I'd rather be wrong and root for a good team.