April 8, 2010

Seriously, does this shit happen to fans of other teams?

One thing I learned pretty quickly once I moved to the midwest: The attitude of folks out here towards the Seahawks is almost always either

A) Total ignorance
B) Inexplicably intense contempt

Hell, my wife didn't even know Seattle had an NFL team before we met in 2000... and it's not like she's a sports-phobic gal: She's a big Ohio State and Detroit Tigers fan. Now she knows more about the Seahawks than she ever cared to, simply through second-hand fandom.

Anyway, whenever people address the fact that I'm a Seahawks fan out here, the first question is almost always: "Why are you a Seahawks fan?" This question is usually paired with a facial expression one might make when they smell a fart. The only answer that is even remotely satisfactory to them is "I'm from out there." Any other response leaves them utterly flummoxed. Why?

One reason: To most people out here, I'm the first Seahawks fan they have EVER met. They have probably seen more manatees or monkeys than Seahawks fans in their lives, so I'm instantly a novelty. But in the questioning there's almost always also a touch of "Why the fuck would anyone like THAT team?" Even when we were in the glory days of 2003-2007, I had numerous dickholes express mock sympathy for me when they found out I was a soldier in the Twelve Army.

At least back then I could retort with "Oh yes, it totally sucks to root for a team that has the 3rd best record in the league since realignment, 5 straight playoff appearances, 4 straight division titles, and an NFC Championship." That was always DEEPLY satisfying.

Unfortunately, we DO suck now, so that's no longer an arrow in my rhetorical quiver.

For example, today I went to Lids at the mall to get a new Seahawks cap. I had $20 of birthday money in my pocket (thanks Mom), and I wanted a dark blue Seahawks hat. You see, pretty much my closet is filled with different shades of blue... So blue Seahawks hats + blue Red Sox hats + blue Seahawks shirts + blue Red Sox shirts = a full wardrobe for yours truly.

As an aside: I HATE Lids. The store is usually filled with semi-literate frat-boy douchenozzles, and the people that work there are always trying to get you to join their fucktarded "hat club," or get asstacular personalized stitching, or buy some completely fucking unnecessary "hat care" crap. I'd love to not shop there.

However, my options for buying Seahawks hats out here are limited, and I'm not going to buy a hat blindly on the internet. Yeah, you see a picture, but you might get a hat with fucked-up stitching, or it might not fit quite right, etc. I gotta handle a hat before I buy it (same goes for jerseys).

Keep this in mind: I am there at Lids to SPEND MONEY. To give them cold, hard American currency. They should be nice to me, no? Also, I'm wearing my bad-ass Seahawks hoodie, so it's pretty obvious I'm a Seattle fan.

I get to the register to buy my hat, and this is what the clerk lady says:

"Are you sure you want a hat for a mediocre team rather than a good team?"

What. The. FUCK?

I glare at her, absolutely mute. Finally she breaks the tension by saying "my son is a Seahawks fan." Still, I glared, mind-knives shooting out of my eyeballs. She asked me about buying all the stupid extraneous bullshit and earned a terse "No" to each query. Finally I ask "so why is your son a Seahawks fan?" Her reply, I shit you not:

"I have no idea. I think he might be mentally challenged."

Let's imagine you're at the Southcenter Lids: Can you imagine the clerk talking shit like that to a Browns fan? A Bengals fan? Colts? Steelers? (Ok, maybe the Lions)

I seriously considered not buying the hat, but my desire to represent trumped my hunger to stick it to this fucking moron. As she gave me my change, and said "thank you," I told her that was the last thing I would buy there. Yeah, I know... weak comeback. I was half-stunned by how god damn retarded it was to blatantly insult someone who wants to BUY SOMETHING FROM YOU.

So, I leave you with two questions: Why are we Seahawks fans treated like lepers with Cancer-AIDS? What is your most stunning story of ignorant, hateful boobery directed at you and our Seahawks? Go!


AJ Oster said...

In grade school, the kids told me I was a looser for being a seahawks fan. I went to school in Sunnyside, WA in the 90's. At least I can look back and say I had integrity. I wonder how many of those kids still like the packers?

Canadian 'Hawks Fan said...


Can you imagine what I've had to endure since 1984 being a Seahawks fan trapped in Canada? Here in Toronto it's like 50% Bills fans, 25% Cowboys and 25% Dolphins fans.

I remember walking into Sports bar in the early 90s with my Rick Mirer jersey and being called a loser. Then I had a Galloway jersey and the same shit used to happen.

It sucks for sure but it'll make it even sweeter when the day comes that the 'Hawks are Champs and we'll have these same losers trying to jump on the bandwagon. We'll be pushing them off with the "get back stupid" sticks!

BTW, I can't believe a store clerk would make that "mentally challenged" comment. I would be reporting her ass to the store manager or calling head office. Jokes about the mentally challenged cannot be tolerated in any SANE society.

Unknown said...

I just read that story 3 times, because I could not believe it. I have a brother with special needs and don't think I would have been as civil as you were, bravo.

I live in the Seattle area, and am a season ticket holder, so I have no problem finding a Seahawk hat or jersey when I want. I do have to however go into lids to find any New Jersey Devil hats, and there is usually some junior in highschool busy texting his girlfriend the entire time while I am in the store when I need help finding a 7 7/8 size hat.

Pool Ninja said...

All the ass-queers here in San Diego love to tell you how much they love their Chargers, followed by Merriman's "I pout therefore I stomp" Lights Out dance.

When you explain to them that you're a fellow Twelve, (in your best Cheech Marin voice) "aawww no way homes, git out of here wit dat stuff!" is the usual response...

So I feel the same as you, Seattle is it's own country and probably should update my passport to visit my homeland.

Go Hawks!!

MTTHawk said...

Hey JP,

First of all, I'm glad there are no Lids stores down here in So Cal (at least I don't think so). The place sounds, in the parlance of an 80-year-old stage actress, "positively dreadful."

Anytime someone down here would talk smack about the Hawks, I used do some sort of retort about how L.A. lost TWO NFL teams in one month. But with the Sonics being ripped off to Oakie City, I don't use that comeback anymore. Actually these days, I don't get too many slams. Maybe I just look like a psycho that shouldn't be messed with.

Needless to say, being a Hawk fan requires a thick armor to protect one's self from the douchers of the world.

Unknown said...

Brother, the more I read your rants, the more suspicious I become that we were seperated at birth. Keep up the good work, and if you ever feel a sharp pain somewhere in your body, that's probably where I just got stabbed. GO HAWKS!!!

emilyraesdad said...

Wow, been wanting to find other Hawks fans to tell my story to. I live in Eastern Pennsylvania( Reading/State College/ Lancaster) I grew up a Steelers fan in early 80's as my dad is one. I grew tired of the Brister sucks playoff exits, and decided to look for a team. Then a speedstick commercial, with Brian Bosworth entered my life, in awe of his shades, persona and whatnot, I became a Seahawks fan, with shaved hair resembling the Boz and all, and my mother being supportive, began getting me all kinds of Seahawks stuff, she has also converted, because she loves the Green and Blue Colors. All kidding aside, I was young and impressionable to become a fan, and stuck with them through Mirer, and the other QB jokes. So imagine the horror when in the first week of the playoffs in 2005 season, my mom jokes, so Steelers/ Seahawks can happen? to which my dad and I started laughing, because @ that point it seemed highly unlikely both of our teams would advance. So when it did happen, I proudly wore my Seahawks stuff everywhere. and I'd encounter Steelers fans just walking across the street to the local convenience store almost daily. Steelers fans are almost all A-holes( it's like a Degree to them to be one). So enduring that Superbowl and the bad officiating( still a bitter subject with me)has been hard. So while I remain a rabid Seahawks fan, attending nearly every time they pummel the Eagle in Philly, and one snowy game in Seattle beating GB on Monday night. I sit around dreaming of the day they win a Superbowl, better yet maybe even have a 3 or 4 year dynasty. so to all the 12th men and women out there, remember good things happen to those who wait. if the RedSox and White Sox, and 95 NY Rangers and other sad stories get the happy ending @ least once, our days of being joke fans in others eyes are numbered. Kerry in PA

JimJam said...

Oh man I had a good laugh reading this one.
Classic stuff.

I get the shit ripped through me for being a Hawks fan. One mate (a raider fan) told me earlier this year that the Raiders v Seahawks game only attracted 35,000 because "it's the Seahawks. No-one in Oakland would have wanted to go to a game with the Seahawks playing". I told him he was a fucktard. I won the verbal joust.