Pre-DKSB Flashback: Cleveland

Every once in a while, I reach back to the archives of my old personal blog to share with y'all some things I wrote about the Seahawks years ago. Given that I'll probably be going to my 3rd game at Cleveland Browns Stadium this fall, I thought I'd re-post what I wrote about my experience at the 2007 game. I've got no real beef with the Browns or their fans- We share a love of Mike Holmgren and a hatred of the Steelers. However, both in 2001 and 2007 I was treated like absolute sub-human garbage at games in Cleveland- If you are going to the game this October, be prepared for battle. Now, a look back- I wrote the following back in 2007.

This was the worst experience I’ve ever had at an NFL game, and not just because the Seahawks lost. I can say without a doubt that the fans at Cleveland Browns Stadium are the most ignorant, drunken bunch of shitheels I’ve ever been exposed to at a sporting event.

Before anyone says “it’s like that everywhere,” go to a game at Qwest Field and root for the other team. You’ll probably get intermittently yelled at, but you’ll never feel like you are personally in danger. You’ll notice that the Seahawks fans actually know when to be loud and when to be quiet (here’s a hint, Browns fans: When your team has the ball, shut the fuck up… Your players are telling you to be quiet for a reason). You might observe that Seattle has the loudest stadium in the NFL WITHOUT de-evolving into a gaggle of 66,000 fucktards.

When I went to the bathroom, someone threw a wadded up wet paper towel into the stall at me. After the Seahawks scored to go up 7-0, I cheered for my team, which motivated the guy in front of me to scream in my face “SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS IS CLEVELAND!”

Of course, my reply was “I paid for my ticket! Woooooo!” This got the whole section chanting “ASSHOLE!” at me; I gleefully joined in at the top of my lungs (Side note: I have no love for the self-proclaimed Seahawks “fans” around me who sat there silent during the whole game. Fucking suburbanite cowards).

Once it was clear I wasn’t going to be intimidated, they resorted to mockery, exaggeratedly cheering each time the Browns made a positive play. Um, we actually do that in Seattle.. You know, cheer when our team does good things. One guy walking past me shouted “Cleveland Rocks!” right in my face.. then said “You ever hear that one? What has Seattle ever done?” My reply: “Nirvana, Jimi Hendrix, Pearl Jam.”

Besides the asshole fans, it was a shitty overall atmosphere at the stadium. There were almost no updates of scores or stats around the league, and there were major problems with the lighting and sound systems. Hell, there were virtually no updates of the stats in the game we were attending.

When the game was over, one fan turned to say something to me.. I assumed it would be “nice game” or something like that… Nope.

“Sucks to be you, man.”

Ahh, Cleveland. Nothing but class.

After the Seahawks made the 2007 playoffs and the Browns fell jusssst short, I wrote the following:

Suck our giant, hairy, fertile nutsacks, Cleveland.

Prophecy, from November 2007:

Seattle will be playing in January. Cleveland most certainly will not.

I have friends who are Browns fans, some of which even read this blog. They are upstanding citizens, loyal Americans, good people, and punctual taxpayers. They might not want to read the rest of this entry.

As you may know, I’ve been to two Seahawks/Browns games in Cleveland, and they were by far the two worst experiences I’ve ever had at a sporting event.

Browns fans may whine “but we were 10-6 too! We were just unlucky to be in the AFC! And we beat you head-to-head! Arf! Arf! Ruff! Ruff!” All that may be true, but it doesn’t change the fact that every fucking piece of shit asstard who flipped me shit for 4 hours gets to watch the Seahawks play in the motherfucking NFL fucking playoffs, motherfuckers.

And where, oh where, are your precious Brownies? At home, jerking off thinking about that asinine elf mascot tossing Drew Carey’s salad in the Price is Right green room!
Add the 2007 Browns to your litany of failure and pain, Cleveland. May the memories of Derek Anderson’s four interceptions against Cincinnati (which cost your little replicant expansion team a wild card berth) haunt you in the same way MJ, Josh Beckett, Pedro Martinez, The Drive, The Fumble, Jose Mesa and Brian Sipe already do.

Ahh, if I could only see the guy who looked me in the eye and told me “sucks to be you” after that game in November… I wish I could have been there in whatever fleabag sports bar he was at last night, to just soak up his despair.. As the final kneeldown commenced in Indianapolis, he would have seen me… decked out in Seahawks gear with my Red Sox hat on… and, in what would have sounded like the booming voice of the Old Testament God, I would have bellowed:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS TO BE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!! MU-HA-HA-HA!

Yup. I’m a class act.

GO SEAHAWKS!