August 14, 2014

Top 10: Seahawks Beat Chargers!

Did you know that the San Diego Chargers are the only former AFC West foe the Seahawks have a winning record against? It's not even an impressive winning record, with the Hawks winning only 26 of 49 total regular season meetings. Whenever you hear an old-school Twelve blathering about how they miss being in the NFC West, please point out that our combined record against the Broncos, Raiders and Chiefs while we were in the AFC West was 63-81. That's a .437 winning percentage. For some perspective, the NL Central DEAD LAST Chicago Cubs have a .437 winning percentage today. Shout it from the rooftops: Realignment was the best thing that ever happened to the Seattle Seahawks.

In order to get psyched for Friday night's preseason home opener, here's our Top 10 wins over our old Southern California rivals... Enjoy!

BONUS GAME: 12/24/06 Chargers 20 @ Seahawks 17
Why am I wasting time writing about a loss? Seattle came into this one on a two-game skid, losing at Arizona and completely crapping their pantaloons on national television against the Niners. The mighty 12-2 Chargers were coming to Seahawks Stadium, and while a loss wouldn't knock Seattle out of the playoff hunt, another home blowout loss would have psychologically killed the reeling Hawks.

Thankfully, the Seahawks showed some moxie and took a 17-13 lead late into the 4th, buttressed by one of the last great games of Shaun Alexander's career (140 yards on 31 carries with 2 TDs). Late in the game word spread: The Cardinals had beaten the 49ers, and the NFC West title was Seattle's once again. Phillip Rivers hit Vincent Jackson for a late go-ahead TD to spoil some of those good vibes, but the Hawks would take the regular season finale at Tampa before defeating Dallas in the 2006 NFC Wild Card Game. The salvaging of the 2006 season started in this loss to the Chargers.

10. 12/14/86 Seahawks 34 @ Chargers 24
This was part of the magical 5-game winning streak that ended the 1986 season. Dave Krieg out-dueled future Hall-of-Famer Dan Fouts, going 15-21 for 305 yards, with 4 TDs and zero picks. Steve Largent snagged two touchdowns and Curt Warner ground out 93 yards rushing. Side note: For almost the entire decade of the 1980s, the Seahawks OWNED the Chargers, going 12-2 against them from 1981-1989.

9. 9/21/97 @ Seahawks 26, Chargers 22 
This was the first win I attended as a Seahawks season ticket holder back in 1997, and it was a dramatic one. The Hawks fell behind 13-3 early, but Warren Moon hit Mack Strong for a short touchdown and Galloway for a 53-yarder in the 4th. A late Steve Broussard TD sealed the win, and I went home happy after two embarrassing losses to start my tenure as a season ticket holder.

8. 10/26/96 @ Seahawks 32, Chargers 13
 Remember how I said the Hawks dominated the Bolts in the '80s? Well, San Diego won 10 out of our first 13 meetings in the 1990s until this satisfying 1996 blowout. Chris Warren glided for 146 yards and a touchdown, and Darryl Williams ran a pick back 79 yards for another score. This one was a rare moment of joy in a dreary 7-9 campaign.

7. 11/27/87 @ Seahawks 34, Chargers 3
The Chargers came into the Dome at 8-1, with (still plausible) dreams of hosting Super Bowl XXII. After this comprehensive demolition they'd go on to end the season with five MORE losses, and end up out of the playoffs at 8-7. Curt Warner, John L. Williams and Steve Largent all scored, and Fredd Young notched two sacks in this season-killing win.

6. 10/29/84 Seahawks 24 @ Chargers 0
On Monday Night Football the Hawks blanked the Chargers at Jack Murphy Stadium, powered by Krieg's trio of TD strikes to Steve Largent. This game was the start of a 4-game stretch that saw Seattle's defense allow only 20 total points. Perhaps the Chargers were still bummed about their Padres roommates getting wiped out in the 1984 World Series?

5. 11/16/81 @ Seahawks 44, Chargers 23
At this point, the Seahawks had never defeated the Chargers, and the 3-7 Hawks looked doomed going into an MNF tilt against the playoff-bound Bolts. Even if you don't remember the game (I don't), you might have seen Dan Doornink's electrifying 80-yard TD scamper on an NFL Films highlight reel. Sure, the Chargers would go on to win the greatest game ever played, and the Hawks would meekly finish 6-10, but Seattle's 0-8 streak v. Air Coryell was over.

4. 9/15/85 Seahawks 49 @ Chargers 35
Both QBs had RIDICULOUS stat lines in this one...
Dan Fouts: 29/43, 440 yards, 4 TDs, 1 int
Dave Krieg: 22/32 307 yards, 5 TDs!!, 0 int
Seattle speedster Daryl Turner? He just had 7 catches for 121 yards and FOUR TDs! This was probably the highlight of the Seahawks' mind-meltingly inconsistent 1985 season

3. 12/30/01 Seahawks 25 @ Chargers 22
The Hawks were fighting for thier playoff lives in the penultimate game of the 2001 season, and it looked like they were about to blow a late lead. San Diego tied the game with seconds left, and overtime looked inevitable.I was home visiting the Tri-Cites, watching the game on TV with my family. The rest of you may have had a similar experience screaming this during the ensuing kickoff...


Roger's big kickoff return set up Rian Lindell for the 54-yard game winner at the gun. Trent Dilfer fired three touchdown passes in arguably his best performance as a Seahawk, with two of those TDs being snagged by D-Jack.

2. 12/29/02 Seahawks 31 @ Chargers 28
Matt Hasselbeck out-dueled Drew Brees (and not for the last time), piling up a career-high 449 yards passing. Seattle trailed 28-14 in the 4th quarter, but Beck fired one touchdown pass to Koren Robinson to draw Seattle within seven, and scored the tying touchdown himself with a lone second left in regulation. Rian Lindell would sink the Chargers again (in OT this time), and Hasselbeck wrapped up an astounding 10-game stretch where he'd throw for over 3000 yards and help salvage a 7-9 season after an abysmal 1-5 start.

1. 9/26/10 @ Seahawks 27, Chargers 20
It seems strange, but less than four years ago the Seahawks were an almost entirely different team. The Marshawn Lynch trade hadn't happened yet, so our leading rusher was still Justin Forsett (Aww. I just made myself miss Young Nastyman). Russell Wilson was still at North Carolina State, and Richard Sherman was still being coached by Jim Harbaugh at Stanford. The Hawks took the field as heavy underdogs against the mighty Chargers, and if all you did was look at the statline, you would have thought San Diego won in a blowout. But as I wrote in this space back then:

Yeah, the Chargers outgained the Seahawks 518-271. Who gives a fuck when you've got Leon Washington racking up 253(!) kickoff return yards and two spectacular touchdowns? Yeah, Philip Rivers threw for 455 yards. Good for him and his fantasy owners. He also threw 2 key interceptions to Earl Thomas (including the game-clincher late in the 4th) and took a pretty fucking brutal beating. Finally, the Chargers didn't turn the ball over five times. The Seahawks TOOK the ball away 5 times, you sumbitches! 

As we know now, that upset of San Diego was only the appetizer before the biggest upset in NFL playoff history a few months later. This was also the day we saw Earl Thomas' first steps toward football immortality.

Any other warm and fuzzy memories of blacking out the Chargers you wanna share, Twelves? Have at it in the comments section!

August 6, 2014

Fuzzy Preseason Memories: Owens' Drops Bury Matt Flynn

The Seahawks open up their preseason slate at Mile High Stadium Thursday night, and it will probably be like most preseason openers in franchise history: Memorable only to the players who use it as a springboard onto the 53-man roster. It's not always so easily forgettable, though. Seattle last visited Denver two years ago, and it turned out to be perhaps the most pivotal exhibition game the Hawks have ever played.

In Seattle's preseason opener, presumed starting quarterback Matt Flynn turned in a solid (but not spectacular) performance, completing 11 of 13 passes for 71 yards and an interception. So what? Not bad for an initial outing with a new team and a new playbook, right? The problem was that 3rd round pick Russell Wilson TORCHED Tennessee for 59 rushing yards (including a 32 yard touchdown scamper) and completed 12 of 16 passes for 124 yards and another TD. As the Hawks prepared to travel to Denver, there were already whispers of a quarterback controversy brewing in Renton. Of course, I did my best to tamp that down in this space. As I wrote then:

Matt Flynn is just the right mix of demonstrated ability and untapped potential, and he's flashed enough in Renton so far to make him the ONLY choice for QB1 right now. Weirdly enough, this might not be the majority opinion among Seahawks fans- I've seen legions of them pointing at Russell Wilson and screaming "NOW! NOW! NOW!" like they were Veruca Fucking Salt and RW was a Oompa-Loopa. Why? Because he went all Madden Rookie Mode on a bunch of Titans defenders destined for jobs in the CFL or various Arena Leagues? Because he's a better "story" than Flynn? Because (holy shit I've actually seen people say this) he reminds you of Tim Tebow somehow? BARF. Stop it. For the love of fuck, STOP IT.

I'm very excited by Russell Wilson's potential, and I think he's got a VERY good chance at being an excellent NFL QB someday... and if the Seahawks were rebuilding and not shooting for a playoff run right now, maybe I'd be more open to the idea of throwing Wilson out there week 1 and seeing how he responds. Seattle isn't shooting for 6-10, though- They are shooting for (wait for it) #10winsandaplayoffspot. Tossing Wilson out there now could fuck up our season AND RW's career over the long-term. Given the terrible fury our defense is about to unleash upon the NFL, Flynn has an amazing opportunity. He doesn't need to be Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers to lead Seattle to the Super Bowl- If he can reach the level Hasselbeck was at in the mid-00s, he will be a World Champion.

Oh boy. That's the "Dewey Defeats Truman" of sports blogging, isn't it? Hindsight allows us to see how laughably wrong I was, but as the Seahawks headed to the Rockies in mid-August 2012 the future was not set, and the job was still Flynn's to win. Enter Terrell Owens. I managed to get myself pretty excited about PCJS bringing in the 38-year-old future Hall-of-Famer...

I can see exactly what Pete Carroll sees in Owens: A year of VERY cheap but significant production at WR. Owens doesn't need to be better than (Sidney) Rice or (Doug) Baldwin to help this team make the playoffs- A healthy, focused T.O. gives us a possibly dangerous 6-pack of WR/TE targets for whomever wins the QB scrum: Rice, Baldwin, Owens, Tate, Winslow and Miller.

I thought we all learned from the Ruskell era that an OCD-level of focus on "character" is a recipe for an awful football team. What has Owens ever done to REALLY earn such violent revulsion from so many Twelves? I honestly don't get it.

Against the Broncos Owens would earn the undying hatred of not just the Twelve Army, but probably of Matt Flynn as well. Why? Early in the 2nd quarter, with Seattle trailing 7-3. Flynn lofted a PERFECT 46-yard touchdown bomb to Owens. Here's what T.O. did with it:

It was one of five passes from Flynn that Owens would flub. Flynn would finish the game 6-for-13 for 31 yards and a 53.0 passer rating. Let's say T.O. caught those 5 passes for 85 yards (the 46-yard TD and about a 10-yard average on the other 4 catches). Flynn's day is then 11-13 (again) for 116 yards and a TD. His rating would have leapt to 129! Wilson would put up a 128.3 rating with 155 yards passing, 33 yards rushing, ans two touchdowns. RW3 would puree Kansas City's defense the next week and win the starting job, but I've always wondered how different recent Seahawks (and NFL) history would have been if Owens had hauled in those Flynn offerings.

It's simplistic to argue Flynn would have won the QB1 job if Owens had done HIS job, but the choice to start Wilson over Flynn wouldn't have been nearly as clear or easy if T.O.'s hands weren't slathered in teflon that day in Denver. If PC had chosen to stay with Flynn, he would have had plenty of evidence to back up that decision, and the Seahawks probably would have still been a playoff team in 2012 and 2013 with Flynn under center. Would they have been Champions? No. Without Russell Wilson's ability to create explosive plays with his legs and his arm, Seattle's offense would have been far less productive, putting inordinate pressure on the Seahawks' defense. That probably would have meant early playoff exits in both 2012 and 2013.

My larger points? The preseason doesn't "count," but what goes down can be positively monumental. That's more than enough reason to watch all the action from Denver Thursday night. Also, fuck Terrell Owens- Not just for those drops in Denver two years ago, but for the Sharpie stunt on MNF back in 2002. Prick. Finally, you shouldn't listen to me. I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about. That's probably an oversimplification, but it's worth remembering (and owning) when we're dead wrong. It's humbling, to say the least.

What do you think, sirs?

July 24, 2014

Your 2014 Seattle Seahawks Jersey Buying Guide

With Seahawks Training Camp kicking off Friday, it's time for our annual look at one of a Twelve's most momentous decisions: Which jersey should I buy? In what manner shall I announce to the world, "I'm the best fan in the game! Don't you ever talk about me!"?

Wearing a Seahawks jersey has never been a "cooler" thing to do. A full 25% of the 20 best-selling NFL jerseys are Seattle models (including, stunningly, #12!), so it's also more challenging than ever to make a bold personal statement with this choice. I'm here to help. I will steer you away from purchases you might regret a few mere months from now, and put you in a position where people might actually say "Woah! Cool jersey!" as you stride about town as a proud Soldier of Twelve.

As usual, let's start with the 1st Commandment of Seahawks jersey ownership: NEVER PUT YOUR JERSEY IN THE DRYER! Dryers kill jerseys! Don't do it under any circumstances. If you abide by this decree your jersey(s) should hold up for a nice, long spell. If possible, wash them on the delicate cycle in cold water by themselves.

For the purposes of this article, I'm setting aside throwbacks, personalized jerseys and #12 jerseys (though I've changed my tune on the #12's over the years. I used to be dead-set against them, but given how precarious roster spots are under PCJS's rule, I can't blame a fan for playing it safe with such a substantial investment). I also feel strongly that there's no compelling reason to opt for the more opulent Nike models. The $100 replicas are plenty expensive enough, and will look sharp for years with proper care. If you are lucky enough to fit into a "youth" size, those are only about $70 (and I found out that Youth XL = Women's L, and that saved me $30). One bit of great news for fans is that NFL Shop has a wider selection of jersey options than I've seen anywhere else. 

Right now I own a blue #12 jersey and a wolf grey Wilson model. Many of you may be looking for another jersey to add to your collection, and I'm hoping to snag a new one when I visit Seattle for Kickoff Weekend. Here's my advice on what jerseys to avoid at all costs, which jerseys are the "safest" bets, and finally which ones will make you stand out (even in a flock of 12s at Seahawks Stadium).

DO NOT BUY: Cliff Avril, Jermaine Kearse, Malcolm Smith, KJ Wright, Byron Maxwell, and Marshawn Lynch.

The first five guys will be free agents after the 2014 season, and it's hard to see how Beast Mode will be in the Seahawks lineup in September 2015, given his age and contract demands. Sadly, the greatest running back in franchise history seems destined to become a salary cap casualty after this season. Lynch has the #11 best selling jersey in America so far this off-season. In a year, a LOT of those people might feel like they didn't get full value for the #24 jersey they plunked down a C-note for.

THE BLUE CHIPS: Russell Wilson, Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas III, Kam Chancellor.

These are the "safe" investments. Arguably, these are the four best players on the roster, and they are all either locked into contracts until 2018/2019 (The boys in the Legion of Boom) or are GUARANTEED to get a gigantic new deal next season (Wilson). I own a Wilson jersey, and I love it. However, EVERYONE has a Wilson jersey. It's the #2 selling NFL jersey. Sherm is at #5, and ETIII is #20. You can't go wrong with ANY of these. I can't decide if I want a Sherman, a Thomas, or a Chancellor. Unfortunately, you won't stand out wearing any of them. So what are the best choices for someone who wants to stand a bit apart from the crowd, but also wants to rep a great player who will be around for a few years? Here's 12 jerseys for 12s to consider...

12. Paul Richardson (#10)
Seattle's 2nd round pick is a potentially game-breaking talent at WR. His 4.33 40-yard time at the Combine turned a lot of heads, and even if he doesn't break out as a receiver in 2014, he could still compile a substantial highlight reel if he nails down the starting punt returner position in training camp. Still, he's a rookie, and buying a player's jersey before he take an NFL snap seems delusionally optimistic to me.

11. Russell Okung (#76)
10. Max Unger (#60)
I've always loved the idea of buying/wearing a lineman's jersey, but Okung has had trouble staying healthy, and thanks to his hefty cap number, another injury-marred season could get him cut next offseason. If you want a offensive lineman's jersey, Unger is a better choice, if only because of this glorious beard.

9. Brandon Mebane (#92)
8. Zach Miller (#86)
Mebane and Miller are both key contributors. but given that they are both pushing 30 and are free agents after the 2015 season, neither seems like a jersey buy that is striking enough to justify the risk involved.

7. Bruce Irvin (#51)
6. Jeremy Lane (#20)
Like Mebane and Miller, both these players have contracts that expire after the 2015 season. Why are they ranked higher? Lane and Irvin are younger and cheaper, which makes them more likely to stick around. Lane has the added cache of "Legion-of-Boom-ness," which nudges him above Irvin in my eyes.

6. Steven Hauschka (#4)
Hauschka has become one of the NFL's most accurate kickers, and will be in blue, bright green and wolf grey through the 2016 season. But who am I kidding? None of you are going to buy a kicker's jersey. Not after what we went through with The Traitor Josh Brown. Sigh.

5. Christine Michael (#33)
The widespread feeling is that Michael is being groomed to become Marshawn Lynch's replacement, and he's under contract through the 2016 campaign. Yes, I know I scoffed at the idea of buying an unproven player's jersey earlier in this article.. But I'm intoxicated by the idea that he might be Shaun Alexander to Ricky Watters (circa 2001), and I also frivolously think I'd look good in a #33 jersey.

4. Percy Harvin (#11)
Harvin is a Super Bowl hero, a stupendous talent, and is under contract through 2018. The ONLY reason he's not #1 on this list is that I simply don't trust him to stay consistently healthy.

3. Michael Bennett (#72)
2. Bobby Wagner (#54)
Bennett and Wagner might be the two best Seattle defenders outside of the LOB. Bennett just signed a long term deal through 2017, but is four years older than Wagner, who appears to be on a "Career Seahawk" trajectory. They'd both be shrewd, thoughtful choices for the discerning jersey shopper, but who edges them out for the #1 spot on my list?

1. Doug Baldwin (#89)
The former UDFA has become the most reliable 3rd-down receiver Seattle has seen since the days of Steve Largent. He's also now locked down with a long-term deal through the 2016 season. My gut feeling is that Angry Doug will take a HUGE step forward with his move to split end this season. The length of his contract, his relative obscurity outside of the cadre of hard-core Twelves, and his comprehensive awesomeness puts him at the top of my list this season.

What do you think, sirs? Did I miss anything obvious? Let me know!  

July 20, 2014

Tethered by Twelvedom

Why are you a Twelve?

For many people, it's a simple matter of geography and proximity. For others, it might be because a certain season or player that captured their attention and refused to let go. For some, it's because of an emotional connection forged in childhood. In my case, it was a potent cocktail of all three. I've written about my origin myth as a Twelve before... If you don't feel like clicking over to those links, here's a key passage (updated a bit since it was originally written):

For many of us, this thing goes back a long way. Maybe it goes all the way back to when your Dad put you in Seahawks onesie? Maybe your Uncle took you to a game when you were six? Maybe your Mom let you decorate the living room in Seahawks finery and watched the games with you, just so you'd have it in common?

Once that ball started skipping down the field like an onside kick, maybe other things in your life stuck to it. Great memories and painful ones too, and you could relate them either directly or indirectly to the Seahawks. For me, I vividly remember watching Steve Largent break the "consecutive games with a catch" record in a hospital room, visiting my sister after my nephew's birth back in '86. Thankfully, everyone else in the room wanted that game on nearly as much as I did. The Seahawks weren't a DISTRACTION to the blessed event; They enhanced it. 

So first loves, heartbreaks, and dates with your sweetie also get all tangled up in blue and green. The Seahawks winning the Super Bowl is even more satisfying because the person you love witnessed it with you. You might not talk to your father for nearly a decade, but if he called you tomorrow you could probably talk about the Hawks.

I don't have a relationship with my Dad anymore, but most of the good memories I have of spending time with him growing up are linked to the Seahawks. I have great relationships with my Mom, my Stepdad, and much-younger brother, and a great big hunk of that connective tissue is bright Seahawks green. 

So it's not just a game or merely a hobby. It's twisted up with everything else that matters like strands of DNA.

I'm utterly obsessed with the Seattle Seahawks for a lot of complicated reasons. They're the one thing I can always talk to my relatives about when I go home to visit. They've been a comforting constant in my life as everything else was torn down and rebuilt over and and over again. When the Hawks finally hoisted the Lombardi Trophy barely a month after I finally started living my life authentically, it felt like they waited to win it all until I could celebrate that ultimate victory as a content, hopeful woman, rather than a sad, forlorn "guy."

(Oh, if you are totally confused at this point, go read this.)

There's one lone area of my life where I haven't yet been able to live authentically yet, and it's with my kids. My son is 8 and my daughter is 4, and while they've undoubtedly noticed a lot of changes in me, I'm not yet officially "out" to them. That will change this upcoming week, and I'm terrified and excited and nervous and anxious to lay down this burden. Everything that I've read about others' experiences coming out to children at those ages, as well as my own gut feelings, suggests that after a period of adjustment everything will probably be fine. That rational knowledge doesn't make this any easier, though. While I'm a bit concerned about my daughter's reaction, I'm more worried about how my son will take it. He's at the age where gender distinctions are getting more rigid in his mind. I've noticed that he occasionally says things along the lines of "Boys rule! Girls drool!" I check him on that whenever he does it around me, but it makes me fret that he may take my transition as some sort of personal betrayal of "Team Boy" or something.  

The GREAT news is that he and I have a lot in common. We both love Cosmos, MythBusters, Mario Kart, Pixar movies, and They Might Be Giants, among other things (my next personal mission is to get him hooked on "Weird Al" Yankovic). My Dad and I had no real emotional connection- It's not that way with my son and I. He knows that I love him, and that's a good start.

My experience in becoming a Twelve has instructed how I've presented my Seahawks fandom to my children. Yeah, I've bought them Seahawks gear since birth, and I've taught them about our team's history and culture, but I've never tried (or wanted to) to force-feed them the idea that they HAVE TO become Seahawks fans. My father tried to make me a boxer, a stock-car racing fan, and a fisherman. How did any of that work out? I want my kids to be 12s, but I want them to CHOOSE to don the blue, green and wolf grey.

There was a moment recently that filled my heart with ecstatic joy. My kids were in Orlando with their Mom. My Mom, Dad and brother happened to be there at the same time. They met up, and my Mom sent me a picture of her with my son. He was wearing a Seahawks' "Super Bowl XLVIII Champions" shirt. I didn't buy that for him. Yeah, I bought him a Wilson jersey last year, but that's about it in terms of the Hawks gear I've gotten for him recently. I asked my Mom if she got it for him- She said she didn't. Apparently he pestered his Mom to get it for him! It hit me: He's a Twelve. At 8 years old, the same age I was when the Spirit of 12 entered me, my son is an actual-factual TWELVE! The symmetry is incredibly pleasing to me, and my fervent hope is to get him to a Seahawks game this season (or, if not this year, in 2015 when the Hawks visit Cincinnati).

My even more fervent hope is that just as the Seahawks provided an emotional link between my father and I, they will help (in some small way) as my kids adjust to my transition and the new reality that their Dad's a girl. One BIG thing I want to get across to them when I "come out" later this week is continuity: While some things are changing (particularly how I look), the important things (who I am, how much I love them) are going to remain the same. To express this symbolically idea in some small way, I'm going to wear something familiar to them, that they've seen me wearing all their lives: Seahawks gear.

Hopefully, it will go smoothly this week, and sooner rather than later the three of us will be sitting down to watch the Seahawks together. In my vision of the future, Twelvedom will be just one of myriad things I share with my kids- But it will be a particularly important one.

Why am I a Twelve?

Because Twelving gives me a feeling of connection, community and continuity. Because Twelving will indirectly help me get through this week, like it's helped me survive all the previous tribulations in my life. Because once I share it my adoration of the Seahawks with people I love, it ceases to be "only a game." It becomes the closest thing I'll ever have to a religious faith in my life.

What do you think, sirs?

June 7, 2014

F@*k the Madden Curse

The first 6+ months of 2014 have been the most successful stretch in Seahawks history. The playoff run and victory in Super Bowl XLVIII was followed by an offseason that has seen the franchise achieve nearly all of their short-and-long term goals. Core talents like Michael Bennett and Doug Baldwin agreed to cap-friendly new contracts, and new deals for the Ring of Honor/Canton-bound pair of Earl Thomas and Richard Sherman put them on the path to becoming career Seahawks. With those deals done, PCJS should have no trouble locking Russell Wilson into his own gargantuan long-term contract a year from now. The future of the Emerald Empire couldn't possibly be brighter, and this new reality was highlighted by Richard Sherman's victory in the final Madden "Cover Vote."

Winning the cover spot on the latest Madden game is the 21st Century version of getting your face on the Wheaties box. It's a tremendous honor for Sherman himself, and it's another reminder that the Seattle Seahawks are at the top of the NFL food chain. This is what happens to Champions. They get to go to the White House. Their quarterback does Microsoft ads that run during SportsCenter. The Best Corner In The Game gets the Madden cover. Twelves should be breaking out into elaborate Bollywood dance numbers in celebration, right?

Nope. I've talked to numerous Twelves who are filled with dread about Sherman being on the Madden cover, because they believe in the "Madden Curse."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a spiritual person. I'm an atheist, and superstition annoys me to no end. I try to have a rational, scientific mindset about life. I'm a Scully, not a Mulder. I'm a Mythbuster, not a Ghost Hunter. I rail against climate change deniers, Anti-Vaxxers, and related dumbfuckery, but few things irritate me more than people who believe in the Madden Curse. It's not just because ALL "curses" are bullshit (they are), it's also because people seem to LOVE this particular curse. Adherents to the Madden Curse can take any negative thing that happened to a player on the cover and twist it into evidence to support this bullplop hokum that they seemingly adore more than their own NFL teams. People seem to actively ROOT for this curse.

There's one broad group of "MadCursers" we can summarily dismiss: The Haters. The same impulse that makes some people relentlessly troll athletes on the internet drives them towards the alluring Schadenfreude offered by the Madden Curse. They root for the Curse because they want the popular and successful to fail and tumble down to their degraded level. That Nation of Millions who already hate Richard Sherman will be watching for ANY sign that "the Curse" is having an effect upon #25, and if he so much as allows a completion, some nimrod will start tweeting "See! It's the Madden Curse!" Fuck these people. I would love to make a Mason Verger-esque martini out of their tears.

The more problematic cohort are those who sincerely believe that the Madden Curse is something that has felled NFL players in the past, and is a tangible threat to Richard Sherman's health/performance. Curse disciples point to season-ending injuries suffered by cover athletes like Michael Vick, or to dips in performance like the one suffered by Shaun Alexander after appearing on the cover in 2006. In a hyper-violent and brutally competitive sport where injuries are commonplace and careers are short, there is no shortage of rational explanations for the tribulations that befall many Madden cover boys (may I point you towards the concept of Regression To The Mean?). Instead, MILLIONS of people prefer to believe that a shadowy, mystical "curse" is the cause of ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING bad that happens to a player on the cover.

-1999: Dorsey Levens has over 1600 yards from scrimmage? The curse made the Packers miss the playoffs!

-2000: Eddie George has 1500 yards rushing and is an All-Pro? The curse made him bobble a pass that Ray Lewis picked off in the playoffs!

-2004: Ray Lewis has a great season and is 1st-team All-Pro? The curse kept him from recording an interception all season!

-2009: Larry Fitzgerald catches 97 passes for 1092 yards? The curse made him miss the Pro Bowl with a rib injury!

-2010: Drew Brees throws for 4600 yards and 33 TDs? The curse made the Saints lose to the Seahawks in the playoffs! (No, Matt Hasselbeck and Marshawn Lynch did that shit)

-2012: Calvin Johnson catches 122 passes for an NFL-record 1964 yards? The curse kept the Lions from winning the Super Bowl (somebody actually said this to me TODAY)!

People have somehow become so emotionally invested in the Madden Curse that they've made it into this elastic, malleable catch-all explanation for all a cover athlete's misfortune. If there really was a "curse," (and remember, the concept itself is utter, uncut horseshit) wouldn't it cut down ALL of the unfortunate mortals who grace the game's cover? What's the causal mechanism here, anyway? Who placed the curse on the Madden Cover? If you're gonna push manner of pablum, you should at least come up with a decent backstory, right?

I've actually spoken to Twelves who DIDN'T VOTE FOR SHERM because they believed in the Madden Curse. Come on, guys. We're not a bunch of cave dwellers thinking thunder is rumbling outside because God is angry. We're probably the NFL's most educated, literate, intellectual fanbase. We're WAY better than this.

Even if the curse did exist, it would be no match for the mighty Seattle Seahawks. I can't wait to hear the blubbering of MadCursers after Sherm wins DPOY and a 2nd ring next February. What will the curse be responsible for then? Sherm's injury in Super Bowl XLVIII? Will it somehow become retroactive?

What do you think, sirs?