January 31, 2008

Marshall Faulk is a Douchefuck

Watch this NFL Total Access Clip with Matt Hasselbeck and come back here...

Back? What I love is that Mr. Ram Marshall Faulk

A) Asks Hasselbeck if he's sick of always losing to Favre, and after Beck points out that Seattle beat GB in 2006, Faulk says "that doesn't count."

B) Brings up Hutchinson, who's been gone for TWO FUCKING YEARS. Damn, why not ask him about losing Ricky Watters while you're at it? That's just about as relevant at this point.

And look at that... Not only does Hass graciously not stab Faulk in the neck with a ball-point pen, but he also gives him a free nutrition bar. What a guy, huh?

Faulk has always had a clear anti-Hawk agenda on NFLN; It must burn his ass that STL has descended to bottom-feeding status while the Seahawks rule the NFC West with the brutality of a South American military junta.

What a dicklick.

January 29, 2008

Airing of Grievances: Blue, Mother Fucker! BLUE!

See All-Pro Seahawks Linebacker Lofa Tatupu over there? I don't know about you, but that uniform looks like it's blue, blue, with some white, some more blue, and just a FUCKING LOT OF BLUE.

However, not a week goes by that I don't read or hear some media type or opposing fan refer to our uniforms as "green."

Just as a reference point, here is the color green:

The totally fucked thing is that we NEVER had green uniforms. Before 2002, the old unis had a bit MORE green, but the main color? That's right: Blue as an emo kid who missed My Chemical Romance when they rolled through town...

This annoyance is right up there with people who don't know Qwest Field is an open air stadium and people who call our quarterback HasselBACK... If you think the Seahawks have green uniforms, you either need a vision test or you are REALLY FUCKING LAZY.

So where does this delusion come from? I'm at a loss.

January 28, 2008

The 10 Greatest Plays in Seahawks History

Frank Hughes of Seahawks Insider just posted his top 10 Seahawks plays of 2007, so I've decided to trump him by listing my top 10 greatest plays in Seahawks history. Take that, professional journalism!

10. The Phantom Touchdown (1998 Regular Season at NY Jets)

I quote Brandon Petersen:

It was the play that brought back instant replay to the NFL. With 27 seconds remaining, and the Seahawks clinging to a 31 – 26 lead over the Jets at the Meadowlands, Vinny Testaverde called a timeout and trotted to the sidelines to discuss the options with Jets’ head coach Bill Parcells.

The situation was a fourth down on the 5 yard line. Testaverde took the snap and barreled forward through a surprised Seattle defensive front. With Cortez Kennedy hanging on a leg and Jay Bellamy pounding the quarterback to the turf, the crown of Testaverde’s helmet had successfully crossed the goal line, however, the football in his grasp had failed to come within even a foot of the end zone.

Line judge Earnie Frantz, perhaps swept away by Jets players raising their arms and 72 thousand fans screaming their approval, signaled the touchdown. Moments later, referee Phil Luckett, who weeks earlier had blown a simple overtime coin toss in Detroit sparking another controversy and off-season rule change, followed suit, handing the Jets a victory they had failed to produce on the field.

The error was life-changing for more than one person on the field that day. The set-back gave the Seahawks their seventh loss of the season and ended their hopes of a playoff birth. It also meant the end of Dennis Erickson’s run as the head coach of the franchise and, with the sweeping change brought about by Mike Holmgren’s hiring, ended the Seattle careers for a number of Seahawks. It also meant the end of Phil Luckett as a referee, as he was later reassigned to back judge.

The next day, Dennis Erickson sought out a mortal explanation from NFL director of officiating, Jerry Seeman.

After apologizing to Erickson and admitting that the officials had made a mistake, Seeman explained that Frantz “saw the helmet go across the line and thought it was the ball.”

Why is such a painful memory on this list? Because, as it says above, this horrible play had the positive side-effect of bringing Holmgren and our current Golden Age to town. It still fucking sucked to live through, though. Cripes.

9. The 2nd most batshit crazy ending in Seahawks history (1996 Regular Season v. Houston)

Game tied at 16. Just one play left, and Houston's trying a 30-yard FG to win. Oh shit! It's blocked! Fuck! We picked it up! Jesus MOTHER OF FUCK! He's going to score!!!!!! We WINNNNNNN! WOOOOOOO! (That's pretty much all I remember from the 7-9 campaign of '96)

8. The Middle Screen Strikes Again (1988 Regular Season at L.A. Raiders)

In the final game of the 1988 season, the Seahawks had to win at L.A. to claim their first division title. The outcome was still in doubt in the 4th quarter when John L. Williams took a screen pass 80 yards for the TD that put the Raiders away for good. A year earlier, the same play led to a win at Chicago which ruined Walter Payton's retirement party.

7. The Birth of Josh Brown: Superkicker (2005 Regular Season v. Dallas)

After Big Play Babs picked off Bledsoe late in a 10-10 tie, Josh Brown ran onto the field to kick a 50-yarder to win as time ran out. JB's jubilant helmet toss is forever burned into my brain, because this was the first moment I truly believed the Hawks could go to the Super Bowl.

6. Romo Drops the Ball, Big Play Babs Brings Him Down (2006 Wild Card Playoff v. Dallas)

I don't need to add much to that, other than bragging that I WAS THERE, MAN!!! :-]

5. Largent gets Loose (1983 Divisional Playoff at Miami)

The Seahawks were 17-point underdogs to Marino and the Fins, and trailed 20-17 late in regulation when Steve Largent made his only two catches of the day; The 2nd one set up Curt Warner's game-winning touchdown and sent Seattle to the AFC Championship Game.

4. Largent destroys Harden (1987 Regular Season v. Denver)

See both ends of this story at the 1:45 mark of the youtube clip here:

In week one of the 1987 season, Mike Harden of the Broncos leveled Steve Largent with a dirty hit that broke #80's facemask and drew a huge fine. As you can see above, three months later at the Kingdome Largent went all Charles Bronson on Harden's orange ass.

3. Krieg to Skansi (1990 Regular Season at Kansas City)

You know this story.. I hope. The late, great Derrick Thomas sacks Dave Krieg SEVEN times, but somehow the Chiefs only hold a 16-10 late in the game. On the final play, from the KC 25, Krieg avoided Thomas for the first time all day and fired a missile to Paul Skansi between three KC defenders. TOUCHDOWN! SEAHAWKS WIN!!!! I jumped so high that I whacked my 15-year-old noggin on my basement ceiling, but it was worth it. This is the greatest play in Dave Krieg's illustrious Seattle career.

2. Mack Strong Runs Wild (2005 NFC Divisional Playoff v. Washington)

The Seahawks hadn't won a playoff game in 21 seasons, and DC put up enough of a fight to make things tense for all 60 minutes. The Hawks faced a 3rd down in the 4th quarter nursing a 17-10 lead, and Mack Strong tore off 38 yards on a draw play to set up Josh Brown's game-icing FG.

1. Hass to Seneca (2005 NFC Championship Game v. Carolina)

I was at the game, and the eruption of noise after Seneca Wallace hauled in Hasselbeck's perfect pass was among the loudest I've ever heard at Qwest. Coming from the mind of usually conservative coach Mike Holmgren, the deep pass to our back-up QB said "I am holding nothing back to get this team to the mother fuckin' Super Bowl." It doesn't hurt that Wallace made a sensational over-the-shoulder grab to beat former Hawk Ken Lucas. In the biggest NFL game ever played in Seattle, the Hawks dominated from this moment on.

January 27, 2008

Jerramy Stevens: Worst Seahawk Ever?

There was a time when I actually defended Jerramy Stevens, particularly in the period surrounding XL. "It wasn't his fault... He actually scored a touchdown! He made another big catch that was wiped out by that bullshit holding call on Locklear!"

Given the combination of sucky play and turdish behavior, even his defenders got sick of having his back... Now this Seattle Times article removes all doubt: Stevens is probably the worst human being to ever put on a Seahawks uniform. They're probably still trying to remove his foul stench from the locker room...

Which leads to the question: Who is the WORST Seahawk ever? In my mind, he has to have a combination of some of the following traits:

A) Performing far below expectations on the field (An undrafted free agent fucking up? It's hard to eat his lunch for that)
B) Getting into consistent and/or highly serious legal trouble
C) Making crucial mistakes at costly times
D) Selfish conduct which harmed the team

There's a poll up for y'all, but here's the nominees off the top of my head:

-Jerramy Stevens
-Brian Bosworth
-Rick Mirer
-Dan McGwire
-Lamar Smith

Debate and discuss in the comments, y'all..

DKSB's XLII Prediction Thread

Our XLII poll is already up on the sidebar, but I wanted to start a thread where we could go into more detail about the game...

The entire NYG organization (including the Chairman) seems to be running their mouths about how they are going to win XLII. Why the confidence?

-10 wins in a row on the road, and they are clearly treating this neutral site contest as a "road" game

-Eli Manning has started to actually play in a manner befitting his family name

-The NYG running game could exploit the older, slower New England linebackers

-The Giants should be able to put some pressure on a gimpy Tom Brady

-The Patriots have won their last 3 games by a total of 23 points; It seems like they can be had

All of this adds up to a close game, but not a NYG victory. The Patriots simply have too many weapons for the Giants to stop that offense completely, and I think a couple of deep bombs to Randy Moss help New England pull this one out late... It ends with Eli Manning throwing an INT in the New England end zone to Asante Samuel.

New York 3 7 0 7 - 17
New England 0 7 0 14 - 21


NYG: Tynes 43 yard FG

NE: Samuel 46 yard INT return
NYG: Burress 53 yard pass from Manning

NE: Moss 74 yard pass from Brady
NYG: Jacobs 1 yard run
NE: Moss 67 yard pass from Brady

MVP: Randy Moss (5 catches for 187 yards and 2 TDs)

Wait... A West Coast Team Has to Drag its Asses to the UK and it's NOT the Seahawks? Well, I'll be dipped.

The Saints will play the Chargers in the UK next October according to the San Diego Union Tribune. Speculation was rampant that the Seahawks might have their home games against the Jets or Patriots moved to Great Britain, so this is great news for Seattle.

Yeah, yeah, it would be good for the franchise to get that international exposure, blah blah blah... Right now, I couldn't give less of a fuck about that. I want to maximize the chances of winning XLIII, and losing a home game so we can trudge to London to play the Pats at a neutral site aint gonna help.

The NFL couldn't possibly be sending a bigger collection of douchenozzles than the Chargers. Maybe the rest of the NFL will get lucky and they'll all get lured to a Hostel in Slovakia... I'll leave it to KSK to creatively spin the "Marmalard visits jolly 'ol England" tale (which is coming in about 5 seconds, I'm sure).

Just for shit and giggles, here's the awesome shoot-out scene from the UK import Hot Fuzz:

January 26, 2008

Airing of Grievances: Seattle's Pink Tecmo Bowl Uniforms

Back in '89, I was elated that Seattle would be one of the teams included in the NES football game Tecmo Bowl. They only included 12 teams, so it was sort of an honor to be part of the game. While they weren't OFFICIALLY NFL teams, they had all the great players of the day, and the team unis look suspiciously like the NFL clubs from that city.

Except for Seattle. Dave Krieg, Curt Warner and Steve Largent were there.. IN PINK UNIFORMS. Check out Bo Jackson pwning the Pinkhawks in this youtube clip:

You know how online gaming has pretty much been ruined by 14 year olds who throw around every homophobic slur imaginable (Back in my Halo 2 days, I'd usually reply with some variation of "how'd you know??? I LOVE guys!" That usually freaked them out so deeply they'd just log off)? I was 14 in 1989, and when I wasn't wearing out my VHS tapes of The Untouchables and Full Metal Jacket, I was terrified of anyone thinking I was... GAY! Horror!

Thus, I was in a deep bucket of syrup. I wasn't going to play as a team other than Seattle, but I was horrified by those pink unis. What had the Seahawks done to deserve this? What had I done? Somehow I soldiered on, but even as a young Hawks fan, it was a reminder of the utter lack of respeck my team recieved.

The game was somewhat redeemed by giving me one of my greatest video game victories ever. A friend of mine was playing as the Bears, and Walter Payton was almost as unstoppable as Bo Jackson. I was up 28-24 late, and since it was Tecmo Bowl, it made sense to hand it to Sweetness 80 yards away from the goal line on the game's final play.

I had a perfect angle as Kenny Easley, and as time expired made a diving, Mike Jones-worthy tackle at the Seattle 1 to preserve a pixelated Super Bowl victory.

Even with that triumph, those pink unis haunt my memories of 1989.. Along with the trailer trash girlfriend who gave me head lice... Yipes.

PS: Here's the rosters for the original Tecmo Bowl. The Seattle Pinkhawks roster is below:


Not a bad squad, huh?

Calling Tech Support

I have a metric fuckload of old Seahawks games on VHS, which I'm in the process of transferring to DVD. What I DON'T know how to do is take a chunk of a DVD and put it up on the youtubes. If anyone can help, I might put some cool old shit up here on DKSB... Please e-mail me here:

davekriegsstrikebeard at yahoo dom com


January 25, 2008

Zorn v. Xenu?

It looks like Seahawks QB coach Jim Zorn has taken the offensive Co-ordinator job with DC. I'm sad to see him go, of course. I met him once, but I don't have the emotional connection to his Seahawks playing days that REAL old-timers have.

This of course means that he's got to deal with bugfuck loon owner Daniel Snyder, who notably tried to make his luxury suite so private at Qwest Field a few weeks ago that HE OBSTRUCTED THE VIEWS OF OTHER FANS. He was forced to back off, to the likely consternation of buddy/business partner/scientologist creep Tom Cruise.

I was thinking about this: Is the Redskins' coaching search taking so long because they're hooking up all the candidates to e-meters so their thetan levels can be checked? Did they pick Zorn up because Tom Cruise thinks he's some supernatural creature who could fight the evil nemesis of scientology: Xenu??

Maybe Snyder and Cruise thought they were hiring Christopher Walken's character from the Bond flick A View to a Kill? Max Zorin WAS pretty bad-ass until he took a loooong dive off the Golden Gate Bridge at the end:

In any case, good luck to Coach Zorn.. He'll need it now that he's moving to the NFL's most batshit crazy franchise east of Oakland.

#12 "Fan" Jerseys: Kick-ass or Gaytarded?

I'm all about the "12th Man" phenomenon. I think it's awesome that the Hawks retired the number 12 back in the mid-80s, and I've got a "12" flag flying outside my house here in Illinois, for fuck's sake. However, I've always drawn the line at buying a "12 Fan" jersey. I know a lot of people have one, but I just can't do it. Why?

I think part of it is that I look at buying and wearing a jersey as an art form. One has to be mindful of a lot of shit when deciding to buy/wear a jersey:

A) Is the player good? It makes no sense to wear a shitty-ass player's jersey.
B) Is the player known to be a decent human being, or we at least lack obvious evidence he's a turd?
C) Is he likely to be on the team for a while? I try to snag a player's jersey right after they sign a long-term deal, if possible. You don't want to be the guy wearing a Steve Hutchinson Seahawks jersey around, do you?
D) Does the jersey make you look like a bangwagon douche? No offense to anyone, but if you're rocking a Shaun Alexander jersey, I'm going to be skeptical of how hard core you are.

See some people might get burned by a jersey, and either A) stop wearing jerseys or B) fall into the trap of the personalized jersey. Bu-arf. Seahawks fans can choose a third option: a "12 Fan" jersey.

To me, the 12 jersey is a cop out; It tells me you don't have the onions to commit to a current player on the roster. The jersey you wear says a lot, and to me a #12 jersey says you don't really like anyone on the team all that much.

But I could be wrong. What do y'all think?

PS: I have two Hasselbeck jerseys, a Walter Jones, a Josh Brown and a Steve Largent throwback right now.

PPS: One last thing... My rules for jersey-wearing

1) NEVER tuck in your jersey
2) never personalize your jersey; you are not on the team.
3) never wear a player's jersey after he leaves the Seahawks (exceptions can only be given after the player retires)
4) Don't wear a player's jersey if he is injured (it just seems like tempting the Football Gods)
5) Have at least two jerseys so you can change if a player is having an awful game.

New Seahawks Assistant Vows to Improve O-Line, Kill Mozart

The Hawks have hired Mike Solari as their new offensive line coach, and while I'd love to spout off about this, I don't know fuck-all about the dude. The good news is he's been in KC for over a decade, gobbling BBQ ribs and constructing a pretty solid running game. So, not knowing anything else it looks like a good hire by Megabucks McNerdlington.

The cheap Amadeus joke I made in the title also gives me an excuse to show you this classic Mr. show sketch:

May the Seahawks never again be haunted by the grim spectre of mediocrity.. especially if he's riding one of those old-timey bikes.

January 24, 2008

Which 1988 Seahawk Liked to Attack From the Back?

If you ever want to read an incredibly detailed account of the Seahawks' 1988 season, pick up a copy of Fighting Chance by Fred Moody. You can get it used on amazon for 35 cents, and it includes this gem of a passage between two unnamed Seahawks players:

"What that chick needs is a good stiff dick in the ass."

"I used to do that."

"In the ass???"

Here's the 1988 Seahawks roster.. Which two guys do you think were having that conversation? I imagine it as Joe Nash talking to Jacob Green...

In a quite unrelated note, here's the most brutal hit I've ever seen at an NFL game in person.. Enjoy!

Good News, Everyone!

What's that? I can watch a replay of Super Bowl XL Friday morning at 9 am Pacific time on NFL Network? That's great news, but I'll have to tivo it, since I already have plans to do other things I also greatly enjoy:

-Watching footage of my wife's C-section

-Reading freshman year journal entries from when my first love rejected me

-Eating food that gives me violent ass-plosions

-Jerking off while wearing Tater Mitts

Oh. Goody.

Why Dave Krieg's Strike Beard?

I was 12 in 1987, and even then I had some notion that the scab games were deeply wrong. I watched the last one where Largent crossed the picket line and torched the Lions, but I still felt kind of dirty about it. I still refuse to watch The Replacements because of the contempt I held for those scab games in '87.

When the players came back, I vividly remember that Dave Krieg had grown a glorious, Castro-level beard during the strike. I was convinced that beard led Seattle to a 35-13 road win in L.A. against the Raiders, and as I remember it (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) we lost the first game after he shaved it off, and the season ended with a crushing OT loss in the Wild-Card game at Houston.

Yes, my little douchbaggy 12-year-old ass cried after that one.

So, I'm calling this thing Dave Krieg's Strike Beard, or DKSB. Also, I HAVE a beard, and I'm not an alien.

The Bearded Men of Space Station 11 - The State from Sebastián Hoch on Vimeo.

Empirical Proof of the Unique Pain Suffered by Seahawks Fans


One big theme of this blog is going to be how the pain of being a Seahawks fan is special. Not worse than any other fan base's.. just different. Pro Football Reference is a great spot for all kinds of information on the NFL, but it's also supported some of my ideas about Seahawks history.

1. This is the golden age for Seahawks fans. Check.

2. The Seahawks have historically tortured their fans by never being that bad or that great; They are good enough to give you hope for the next season, but rarely bad enough to snap up those high draft picks. Check!

3. John L. Williams was fucking awesome. Check.

Now they've shown that I've been right to suspect that the Seahawks have had a disproportionate number of seasons that ended with us juuuuuuusst missing the playoffs. This makes sense, given how many times we've been 8-8 or 9-7. When I was growing up, it seemed like almost every year it came down to the right combination of teams winning/losing on the final Sunday for the Hawks to sneak into the playoffs. Things rarely broke our way, but magically every lotto ball bounced our way on the final weekend of the 2003 season, and we haven't missed the post-season since :]

With all that as a great excuse, here's my top 5 most painful "just missed" seasons:

5. 1982 (4-5, lose tiebreaker to Cleveland)

My first year paying ANY attention to the Seahawks, and they just missed the playoffs (albeit in a year with expanded playoffs and a bifurcated season thanks to the strike). Their week one loss to the Browns eventually doomed the 4-3 post-strike mini-rally under interim coach (and later GM) Mike McCormack.

4. 2001 (9-7, finish one game behind NYJ)

This year started with my first trip to a Seahawks road game (a 9-6 win at the gun in Cleveland), and was interrupted by the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The game I was originally set to attend in week 2 was moved to early January. In between, Hass got off to a rough start, then got injured and replaced by Trent Dilfer. Under Dilfer we went on a season-ending 6-3 run (wearing those old unis for the last time, by the way), which included Shaun Alexander's gigantic Sunday Night game against Oakland, a dramatic last-second win in San Diego (GO CHARLIE ROGERS!!!!!) and that rescheduled game v. the Chiefs at Husky Stadium.

It was a miserable, cold, rainy day. I watched the Hawks grind out a 21-18 win shivering in the windy dampness, only to hear that New York beat Oakland on a last second FG. I still hate John Hall for that. Then we needed Minnesota (led by Spergon Wynn in his final NFL start) to somehow win at Baltimore to sneak in. I got back to Columbus just in time to watch the Vikings' torturous loss. Here's a YouTube video of Wynn getting creamed in a CFL game.. Serves him right... :] (don't worry, he was fine.. plus, I'm not THAT evil)

3. 1998 (8-8, finish one game behind New England)

Oh lord, you all know the story by now... Vinny Testaverde's Phantom Touchdown at the Meadowlands keeps us out of the playoffs and gets Dennis Erikson fired. Of course, that opened the door for Holmgren's arrival, but it still was a royally, regally sucky way to miss the playoffs.

Also, isn't it FUCKED up that this is now the 2nd worst officiating nightmare in team history?

2. 1990 (9-7, lose conference record tiebreaker to Bengals and Oilers, even though we beat both head-to-head)

Nice little quirk in the rules back then, huh? This was the year of the miracle win at KC (Krieg eludes Derrick Thomas on the final play, hits Skansi for the winning TD), and it was basically the last ride for the Ground Chuck-era Hawks. I was at the final game of the season v. the Lions, where I got to see us bottle up the great Barry Sanders in a 30-10 win, only to hear Pittsburgh lose a meaningless (for them) game to Houston on the ride home, dooming our playoff hopes.

1. 1986 (10-6, lost tiebreaker to NY Jets)

Every Seahawks fan over 30 remembers this vividly, and will go the grave CONVINCED that Seattle would have won Super Bowl XXI if they had just been able to squeeze into the post season. In a season-ending 5-game festival of ass-whomping the Hawks won big on Thanksgiving Day at Dallas, crushed the L.A. Raiders 37-0 on MNF, and struck down the Denver Broncos with great vengeance and furious anger in the season finale.

Why did the Seahawks miss the playoffs? They lost to the New York Jets 38-7 during an ill-advised stretch where Dave Krieg was bench in favor of GALE GILBERT. Krieg got his job back, and in that 5-game streak threw only a single INT. The mind still reels at what could have been... Seattle was the only team in '86 to beat both the Giants and Broncos, and would have beaten both again to get that Lombardi Trophy.

Fucking Jets... Over the last 5 weeks of '86, they went 0-5, but had already racked up 10 wins by mid-November. They went on to win a home playoff game v. KC, then blew a 10-point lead in the final two minutes to crap away a divisional playoff game at Cleveland. Heh.

Care to share your own painful tiebreaker memories?

Another Fucking Dork Starts a Blog

Welcome to Dave Krieg's Strike Beard... The place where one over-educated Seahawks fan will blather on about all things related to the Hawks and the NFL. There are a number of great sites already out there about the Seahawks, but I figure one more can't hurt.

Specifically, you'll probably notice that I rip off sites like KSK and Deadspin pretty blatantly, and that I make no pretense of being an expert. I'm a Seahawks/NFL fanboy dork, and that's the perspective you'll find here, which hopefully is a counter-point to the way the national press treats the Seahawks (running the spectrum from benign neglect to outright hostility) AND the subset of Seahawks fans who always find some reason to be depressed/hopeless about the team's prospects.

Also, I curse a lot... So get ready for that, mother fuckers.

Anyway, welcome... Hope you like it.