July 30, 2008

Please, for the love of God, let this happen.

Rush Limbaugh has expressed interest in buying the St. Louis Rams. As a flaming liberal, the idea of one of our most-loathed opponents OWNING Seattle's main divisional rival is delicious.... But I also know that tons of Seahawks, including my favorite player Beck himself, are a lot closer to Rush than me politically.

That's cool, baby.. Particularly given that no matter what Hass or Mack Strong or anyone else does, Obama is still going to win Washington State by double digits.

Putting politics aside, I'd still love to see STL get run into the ground by a pill-popping doucher who thinks that Donovan McNabb sucks. Damn, if I was going to make a wish-list of owners for division rivals, Limbaugh owning the Rams would be at or near the top. If we can get Anne Rice to buy the Niners and Bret Michaels to purchase the Cardinals we'll be REALLY set.

July 28, 2008

Holy Crap I Love This Shirt

A few days ago I picked up this shirt at the mall in the Tri-Cities. My wife has given me constant crap about it, because I've been washing it repeatedly and wearing it almost every day. Why is it so awesome?

1. It's super comfortable
2. It looks great on me
3. It goes with pretty much everything in my wardrobe
4. It's the kind the Hawks themselves wear (in fact, in this commercial, Hass is wearing the grey version.. which I also want.)

So yeah... the Reebok Seattle Seahawks Speedwick Performance T-Shirt... Endorsed by DKSB, y'all.

Matt Hasselbeck's Top 10 Games

I'll be saying more about this later, but I am firmly convinced that Matt Hasselbeck is headed for the best season of his career: I'm talking NFL MVP, a Super Bowl ring, "I'm going to Disneyland," etc. So before he cements his legend for all time in 2008, I thought I'd look back at Beck's Top 10 single-game performances so far.

(All stats lifted from Pro Football Reference, of course)

10. October 27, 2002: Seahawks 17, Cowboys 14


The numbers don't look good at all, but no discussion of Hasselbeck's greatest games could leave this one out... as I said in this space before:

An underrated chapter in the Seahawks-Cowboys series happened in 2002. The Hawks were 1-5, and might as well have had "opponent" emblazoned on their unis because Emmitt "Blowed Up" Smith was going for the all-time rushing record.

Yeah, his dancing ass got the record; and Trent Dilfer left with a torn Achilles tendon, forcing deposed starter Matt Hasselbeck back into action. In my mind, this has always been the genesis of Seattle's current success. After D-Jack was felled by a vicious, dirty hit Hass reportedly growled in the huddle afterwards:


Beck led the Hawks to the winning FG, somewhat spoiling Emmitt's party and unofficially rebooting his Seattle career. Bite shit, Dallas.

9. November 24, 2002: Seahawks 39, Chiefs 32


Sparked by that performance off the bench in Dallas, Matt Hasselbeck bloomed as potential superstar in the last eight weeks of 2002. One of his finest hours was at Seahawks Stadium v. KC. In the midst of a disappointing season, Beck gave Seahawks fans plenty of reason to believe.

8. December 12, 2004: Seahawks 27, Vikings 23


Hass tends to come up big in games the Seahawks desperately need to win, and very few people outside of South Alaska thought Seattle would keep its playoff hopes alive with a victory against the talented Vikings. This triumph was a rare moment of joy in a frustrating 2004 season.

7. December 9, 2007: Seahawks 42, Cardinals 21


Beck's best performance of his impressive 2007 campaign... Needing a win to clinch a 4th consecutive NFC West title, The Bald One lit up Arizona with four touchdown bombs. The immobile, aged Kurt Warner was no match for #8 that day.

6. December 27, 2003: Seahawks 24, 49ers 17


With the Hawks needing a win to stay alive for a wild-card berth, Beck led a stirring resurrection from a 14-0 deficit and marshaled Seattle into the playoffs (which they haven't missed since).

5. October 9, 2005: Seahawks 37, Rams 31


4. October 15, 2006: Seahawks 30, Rams 28


In consecutive seasons, Hasselbeck led Seattle to heart-stoppingly thrilling wins at STL, including an improbable 2nd half comeback in 2006. The highlight? Beck's perfect 42-yard strike to D-Jack between three defenders.

3. December 29, 2002: Seahawks 31, Chargers 28 (OT)


The high-water mark in terms of yards passing for Hass, but it's this high on the list because of the toughness Beck showed in leading the Hawks back from a 28-14 4th quarter deficit. This is also the game where Matt popped up after a late hit by noted dirtbag Rodney Harrison and told him that he "hit like a fucking fa@@ot."

Brass balls, y'all.

2. January 22, 2006: NFC Championship Game (Seahawks 34, Panthers 14)


Hass came up large in the biggest game ever played in Seattle, shredding the Panthers D while showing off his sound decision-making, accuracy and mobility. This is where #8 took his first steps toward legendary status.

1. January 14, 2006: NFC Divisional Playoff (Seahawks 20, Redskins 10)


A week earlier, things looked bleak after Shaun Alexander left the game with a concussion. It looked like Seattle's run of playoff futility might reach 21 seasons, but Hass stepped up with an efficient performance, including a spectacular TD strike to D-Jack and a rushing touchdown where he beat Ex-Hawk Shawn Springs to the pylon.

July 26, 2008

Springfield Mudbones Update #4

Keep going over to Field Gulls to follow the Seahawks All-Time Fantasy Draft, but here's a quick summary of DKSB's latest picks (13-16):

John Randle

The 'bones pick up another player who built his reputation elsewhere, but
still had at least one standout year in Blue, Silver and Green. Randle is
6th on the all-time sacks list, but most of that happened in Minnesota.
The Hawks picked him up in free agency before the 2001 season, and that
year he contributed 11 sacks while earning his 7th Pro Bowl trip.

The Mudbones want him as much for his non-stop motor and killer instinct
than anything else (that's a nice way of saying his wallet said "Bad
Mother F@$%er"). The guy was a beastly intimidator, and that fits in
nicely with the likes of Easley, Peterson and Kerney.

Steve August

August is unfairly somewhat infamous for being acquired with one of the
picks Seattle got in the "Tony Dorsett trade." August had a solid run in
Seattle, starting at left tackle from 1977 to 1983. Since that was the
period in which I was between the ages of 2 and 8, I have no personally
specific memory of watching him play...

However, according to Pro Football Reference, August is the best Right Tackle
in franchise history... Who am I to argue with PFR?

Joe Jurevicius

Another one-year Hawk, but without him we'd probably still be roaming the
earth waiting for Seattle's first Super Bowl appearance. He made his 55
regular season receptions count, taking 10 into the end zone. He'd be a
nice big target for Warren Moon in the 'bones 3-receiver offense. Why
three receivers and no tight ends? Maybe because there isn't a single
tight end in team history worth being picked in this entire draft.


Ron Mattes

He was no Big Walt, but Mattes manned the left tackle position more than
competently from 1986-1990. I'm not going to pretend that I know anything
specific about him beyond that, but the team had four winning seasons in
his five years playing for us, so it probably wasn't in SPITE of him.

July 24, 2008

Giant Head of Hasselbeck Tells DKSB: Wake Up. Time for Football.

At the Red Sox/Mariners game yesterday, I snapped that picture from my seat inside Safeco Field. It reminded me of the scene in Field of Dreams where Costner and Darth Vader go to Fenway and The Pee-Drinking Fish Man sees that message about Moonlight Graham on the jumbotron.

It was as if Bald Beck was telling me this:

"I feel you on the Red Sox stuff, DKSB. I'm a native New Englander, and I know the Sawx have always attracted bearded geeky academics from around the globe as well. As a fabulously wealthy man, I make it to Fenway when I can. I have MLB Extra Innings and watch many games on NESN-HD. I read Joy of Sox, Surviving Grady and Soxaholix. Let's Go Red Sox, Indeed.

But the time is nigh for you to focus. Not that you won't be into the pennant race or the playoffs, but training camp is about to start and the opener in Buffalo is just six weeks away... and you KNOW the Seahawks come first. I know that if a Red Sox game conflicts with a Seahawks game, you watch the Hawks and listen to the baseball on the radio. You can't fool me. I am the all-knowing Giant Head of Hasselbeck.

We're going to be taking care of business on the field. I expect you and your ilk to do the same. I expect you to represent. I expect you to defend the team's honor. And I expect you to leave any team visiting Qwest with bleeding ears and dazed expressions.

And yeah, Boston's first sweep in Seattle since 1993 was pretty sweet, huh?"

Accounts of my two trips to see the Sox play the M's can be read here and here.

July 22, 2008

Springfield Mudbones Update #3

Keep going over to Field Gulls to follow the Seahawks All-Time Fantasy Draft, but he're a quick summary of DKSB's latest picks (9-12):

Bobby Engram

The Mudbones offense will feature the two most reliable recievers in
Seahawks history in Largent and Engram. 2007 was Bobby's breakout year,
but for seven seasons he has been "Mr. Third Down" for Seattle,
consistently moving the chains thanks to his precise routes and excellent

Since we didn't snag Hass or Krieg to take our snaps at QB, our recievers
need to be exactly where they are supposed to be, and they need to play
like black holes, refusing to let any passes escape thier grasp.

It's a testament to how valued and beloved Bobby is that we've all pretty
much forgiven him for that drop in the 2004 Wild Card game v. STL. If he
ever gets another chance in a situation like that, the ball won't be
hitting the ground.

Fredd Young

Young started out as a dominating special teams player in '84, and at
first he earned his Pro Bowl trips based on his propensity for
kick-coverage headcracking. However, in 1986 and 1987 he evolved into one
of the game's elite linebackers, leading the team with 121 tackles in 1986
and earning All-Pro honors in 1987.

Young's 1987 season ended on a sour note, with his overtime interception
of Warren Moon deep in Oilers territory being waved off and called
incomplete despite clear visual evidence that the ball never touched the
astroturf. Little did we know that was the Genesis of two decades of the
Hawks getting royally screwed by NFL officials... Ugh.

After the '87 season, Young demanded a large new contract, held out, and
was traded to Indianapolis. He only amassed two sacks as a Colt, and was
out of football by 1990. His story is partially one of talent squandered,
but the Fredd Young of 1984-87 is frozen in time forever, spreading mortal
terror in the hearts of Seahawk opponents.

Robbie Tobeck

Tobeck was of course part of the exceptional O-line unit of 2005 (the year
Tobeck earned his lone Pro Bowl selection), but for most of the Holmgren
era he was a key cog in Seattle's offense. He started every game from
2001-2005, and his trip to Hawaii after XL was well deserved.

So now the Mudbones finally start work on their offensive line, sending
the opposition into a downward spiral of trembling fear.. or something...

Warren Moon

In an earlier post, Warren Moon was described as "decrepit" during his
time in Seattle. Even if you give zero weight to the rest of Moon's
Hall-of-Fame career, his performance in 1997 makes him by far the best QB
left on the board. In '97 Warren Moon had the best season for a
"not-Hass-or-Krieg" QB in Seahawks history, racking up 25 TDs and over
3600 yards. He is also the only Seattle QB besides Beck and DK to ever be
named to a Pro Bowl.

I have no doubt that Largent, Engram and JLW can get open, and 41-year-old
Warren Moon can deliver the ball right between the numbers.

July 21, 2008

Safeco Field: Den of Douchebaggery

As y'all know, I'm catching a couple of Red Sox games in Seattle over the next few days. I'm also in town to see my college friends, and we decided to have a nice little outing to Safeco Field to see the M's take on the Indians today.

I decided that since I loathe pretty much everything about Cleveland, I'd be a good sport and root for the Mariners.. just for today. So I threw on my Hasselbeck jersey and my Red Sox hat (don't want anyone to think I'm an actual M's fan, you know), and headed to the park.

It was beautiful out today, and we got a block of seats in the Left Field bleachers. I had some beer, I ate some garlic fries, and a good time was had by all... almost.

I forgot that Mariners fans are NOT like Seahawks fans. Where Seahawks fans value getting into the game and trying to influence the outcome in favor of the home side, Mariner fans apparently think you should treat a baseball game like a trip to the opera or an art house film.

I damn near got kicked out today, without using any profanity and WHILE ROOTING FOR THE HOME TEAM. I started off with a fairly simple "Let's Go Mariners! Woo..." That earned me a few dirty looks and a smattering of "shut up." A few rows in front of me sat a suburban couple in their 40s, and the blond wife was the first to give me the stink-eye.

As a Red Sox fan, I glory in the struggles of the Cleveland nine, and I lustily shouted "You SUCK Grady!" when Grady Sizemore came to the plate. The blond wife wheeled on me and started screeching about how she knew the Sizemores and I should sit down and shut up. Ummm.. mistake #1 for her.

I started bellowing nonsensical taunts like "Hey Cleveland! The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks compared to the EMP!" (Which it does).... The next time Sizemore came up I shouted "LEAVE GRADY ALONE!" That earned me another dirty look before the suburban couple left the section for good.

Seriously... What the fuck, Seattle? Don't tell me it's just the difference between Baseball and Football, because I've been to plenty of major league parks where the atmosphere was more like a college football game. Don't tell me it's Seattle fans in general, because Qwest Field fucking rocks.

Where did the Mariners and their fans go so horribly wrong?

In any event, I'll be there in all my Red Sox finery tomorrow night, and my friends it is ON.

You can see some pictures from the game here...

July 16, 2008

DKSB is coming home (as the enemy)

My son and I are flying out to the northwest tomorrow (with my wife set to join us next week in the Tri), and we're not just going out there to show Jack off to my side of the family, or to just hang out with my friends from Western. Yes, I timed the trip so I could catch a couple of Red Sox games at Safeco early next week.

We've had the discussion about rooting for Non-Northwest teams in this space before, and I'm not super-eager to rehash it. Like I've said before, if the Seahawks are my loving, caring, stable sports "wife," the Red Sox are my smoking hot, slutty, freaky-deaky sports "mistress." I've been a Red Sox fan for over 20 years now, and the Golden Ages of both my sports obsessions are overlapping nicely.

Check this out:

Seahawks & Red Sox 1983-2002

-11 total playoff appearances (in 40 combined seasons)
-5 combined MLB playoff series wins/NFL playoff wins
-1 combined World Series/Super Bowl appearance
-0 World Championships

Seahawks & Red Sox 2003-2007

-9 total playoff appearances (in 10 combined seasons)
-11 combined MLB playoff series wins/NFL playoff wins
-3 combined World Series/Super Bowl appearances
-2 World Championships

If I could somehow trade Boston's two World Series wins for a Seahawks Super Bowl victory I would, but until someone hands me a magic monkey paw I'm gonna just keep enjoying both these great teams I lucked into supporting.

I'm also going to the M's/Indians game on Sunday, and I'll be rooting for Seattle that afternoon (because seriously... Fuck Cleveland). But I'll be wearing my Hasselbeck jersey and Red Sox hat, just so everyone knows the score. Will Beck pull a LeBron and show up decked out in Sawx gear? I doubt it. Even if he attends a game, I assume he'll be a bit more discreet than King James...

Unless something big and/or weird happens in Seahawks land that demands my attention, the next time I post will be on pacific time, y'all.

July 15, 2008

Springfield Mudbones Update #2

Keep going over to Field Gulls to follow the Seahawks All-Time Fantasy Draft, but he're a quick summary of DKSB's latest picks (5-8):

Curt Warner

Yeah, my squad looks like an 80s nostalgia project, but I can't believe Warner has fallen into my lap. The backfield of Warner and John L. Williams produced one of the NFL's best rushing attacks from 1986-1988, and they'll be pounding the rock again in the Mudbones' punishing offense.
Warner burst onto the scene in 1983, helping Seattle reach the playoffs for the first time and scoring the game winning TD in the "Miracle at Miami." His 1449 yards earned him the first of three Pro Bowl selections, but he then suffered a career-altering injury in the 1984 season opener (Damn you, Kingdome astroturf!).

He was never really the same after he returned in 1985, but he had four more productive season after reinventing himself somewhat as more of a power back. He topped 1000 yards in 85, 86 and 88 (and ran for 985 yards in only 12 games in 1987), but the numbers alone miss the excitement he brought to town back in the 80s...

-A 60-yard scamper in his first NFL carry at Arrowhead
-His 207 yards against KC in the dome later in '83
-That winning TD in the '83 divisional playoff at the Orange Bowl
-192 yards and 3 TDs in the 1986 season-ending blowout of the Super
Bowl-bound Broncos
-130 yards in a 1988 MNF win at the dome over the LA Raiders (the first and only MNF game I ever attended in person)

Warner deserves to be mentioned with Dickerson, Riggins, Payton and Allen among the elite running backs of the mid-80s, and is 3rd on the team's all-time rushing leaderboard (one measly yard behind Chris Warren).

After dealing with the Mudbone running game, the opposition will be pissing blood for a week.

Julian Peterson

Finally the Mudbones reach into the 21st century to take one of the greatest linebackers in team history (a reputation established after a mere two seasons wearing the uniform). JP's performance in 2006 and 2007 is comparable to other great linebacking efforts in Seahawks legend: Rufus Porter in 1991 and Fredd Young in 1987. Statistically, even the great Chad Brown never matched Peterson's destructive power over the last two seasons.

A freakish hybrid of speed and power, Peterson is capable of absolutely destroying an opposing offense. I saw this first hand in a preseason game back in 2006... Weirdly wearing number 44 (which gave me Bosworth flashbacks), JP hit Jim Sorgi so hard the poor kid flew backwards a few feet. The ball popped in the air... Interception... Touchdown.

Peterson shows no signs of decline, and can be expected to climb ever higher up this list in coming years.

If the Mudbones can't have Lofa, #59 is the next best thing.

Jeff Bryant

The forgotten link in the "Die Hard" D-line trio with Green and Nash. Bryant never made it to the Pro Bowl, but only Green and Sinclair have more sacks in franchise history. He started 167 games in Seattle Blue & Green, behind only Largent, Green, Nash and Big Walt.

The zenith of his career was 1984, where he notched 14.5 sacks. From 1983-1985, he racked up 31 sacks. Not too shabby, huh? He also was versatile, moving to DT in 1990-91 and maintaining his effectiveness. He might be the best Seahawks player to never be named to a Pro Bowl, and he's a great building block for the Mudbone D-line.

Patrick Kerney

I know this is a very high pick for someone who has only been a Seahawk
for one season, but what a season! Kerney outperformed expectations in
2007, collecting a career high 14.5 sacks and justifying the huge free
agent contract Ruskell awarded him. He's already the ONLY defensive end in
Seahawks history to earn All-Pro honors, and with the upgraded talent
surrounding him he's got a great shot to deliver a similar performance in

Paired with Jeff Bryant, and backed up by Peterson, Easley and Robinson,
the Mudbones are well on the way to building a dominating defensive unit.

Fuzzy Seahawks Memories: Seahawks 31, Rams 16 (11/13/2005)

Y'all remember this game, I'm sure. Shaun ran wild in the cold November rain and the Rams were rightly fustigated. But for me, just seeing the game involved some serious drama.

In the academic racket, you gotta go where the jobs are, and a lot of those jobs are in places you don't really want to be. I mean who WANTS to settle in a tiny town hours from the nearest Target store voluntarily? Coming out of grad school, beggars can't be choosy though. You're lucky to get INTERVIEWS, let alone jobs, so you jump at any potential offer of gainful employment.

I snagged an interview at a school in the "Witness Protection" region of Nebraska, and while my pregnant wife wasn't very psyched about the idea, it beat getting a job at Nationwide Insurance. One big problem: they wanted me to fly in on a Sunday. During football season. Fuck.

I'm not a complete peanuthead... I wasn't about to turn down the interview. But there was no gorram way I was going to miss a Seahawks game, particularly one against the Rams. I made sure that I booked the earliest flight possible on Sunday. I pored over gribblenation's NFL TV coverage maps. I called the TV station in the town I was headed for to make sure they would be airing the Seahawks game. I got a couple of my friends to text me updates on my cell phone until I got in front of a TV, and I packed my Beck jersey.

When we got to the hotel, I told my handlers that I needed to "unwind after that flight." They told me to meet them in the lobby at 6 pm local time for dinner, so I turned the game on just as the Hawks snuffed STL's harebrained fake FG attempt.

I paced around that room for two hours, enduring a late comeback spasm by the Rams and nervously watching the clock... Imagine a guy in a shirt and tie, dress pants, dress shoes, with a Hasselbeck jersey on top of that... My plan was to strip off the jersey and head to dinner as soon as victory was assured, and jusssst in time SA galloped for six to lock down the win.

In a VERY good mood, I might have had one beer too many at dinner that night... and the next day during the interview, I probably blew it when I described my classroom style as "talk show host." The happy ending is that I'm not exiled to the forbidden zone of Nebraska, furthest from the bright center of the galaxy... and the Seahawks won. :-]

July 14, 2008

A Seahawk-Friendly Voice at ESPN?

ESPN has hired our own Trent Dilfer as an on-air analyst, which I think is good news for anyone hoping to see the Hawks getting more positive national press.

If you've seen him before on NFLN, you know that TD knows his stuff, and is already pretty smooth on the air. You also know that he saaaaaaang Beck's praises in the run-up to XL to anyone who would listen. Hell, he tore his Achilles tendon playing basketball with Hasselbeck, so you gotta think he'll at least treat the Hawks with more respect than the rest of those ESPN bobbleheads.

Unless he gets infected by some sort of zombie-like ESPN virus... You know the one that makes millionaire TV personalities do the following whenever talking about the Seahawks..

-"But they need more receivers!"
-"They're screwed without Hutchinson!"
-"They can't win on the road!" (regular season road record since 2004? 16-16)
-"Holmgren's a lame duck!"

and so on....

We're watching Trent... Make us proud.

This is what they think of us...

I found that in the dollar area at Target here in Springfield last night. That's from a US map place mat for little kids, and it's a pretty good indication of how the world looks at us. There was a lobster off the coast of Maine, the Statue of Liberty adjacent to New York, and for us? A rain cloud.

It could have just as easily have been a Starbucks cup or a Microsoft logo, but you get the point (Seattle losing a major pro sports franchise certainly doesn't improve our national image either). As we've heard before from the likes of Jimmy Johnson and Shawn Springs, we're "South Alaska" or "Egypt" in the eyes of the national sports press and frankly to a lot of athletes too.

This actually shouldn't be surprising, given that over a third of all active NFL players are from California, Texas or Florida. Only about three percent of the league's players are from WA, OR, ID and AK COMBINED. So to a wide swath of the NFL, Seattle is just a rainy, cold, remote hippie town. When you combine this with the spectacular bias towards the Northeast-DC corridor among the mainstream sports media, it's not surprising that no matter how good the Seahawks are, idiots will still pick Arizona to win the NFC West.

My pet theory? They keep doing that shit because they HANG OUT IN ARIZONA. They golf there, they hide out there in the winter, they go on vacations there. I have no idea why... I grew up in the Tri-Cities, which is basically Arizona Lite, and it's brutally hot and monumentally boring. But the bottom line is that most athletes and sports writers would NEVER voluntarily visit Seattle. Just listen to schmucks like Kornheiser bleat about having to "fly allll the way out to Seattle." Boo fucking hoo. You occasionally have to visit the 13th largest city 15th largest metro area in the US, which happens to be beautiful and interesting. What a hard road you travel, Mr. Tony!

Anyway, since they hang out in Arizona, it's much easier for them to delude themselves that this is the year the Cardinals "break through." Ha.

We've all said some variation of this before, but the only way this will ever really change is if the Hawks bring home that Lombardi Trophy. This year would be a good time, boys.

UPDATE: Just thought I'd taunt Pittsburgh with these interesting statistics... Since 2000, Seattle's population has grown by a healthy 5.5%, while people have been fleeing Pittsburgh like someone released the Superflu there... It has hemorrhaged SEVEN percent of its population since 2000.

That's why those fuckers with the piss-yellow towels are all over the country... They're running from that decrepit armpit of a town as fast as they can!

July 12, 2008

Revising Revisionist History

One of these things is not like the others.

With all the "where will Favre land" talk, you've already had some wags bemoaning the idea of Lord Favre ending his career with an awful performance in a strage uniform.

I'd have no problem with that, but I do have a problem with writers lumping Montana's two years in Kansas City with Namath in LA or Unitas in San Diego, as if that was a "sad end" to Montana's career.

While Namath and Unitas clearly had held on long after the decline of their skill sets, Montana led the Chiefs to two playoff appearances and to one AFC Championship game (1993). In fact, that's the deepest KC has gone in the playoffs since Super Bowl IV, and the 1993 divisional playoff at Houston is the LAST TIME KC WON A PLAYOFF GAME!

In 25 games as KC's starter, Montana threw a respectable 29 TDs and 16 interceptions (and compiled a 85.0 passer rating).. Not bad for a 38-year-old.

So Favre certainly COULD have success in another uniform like Montana did, but I'm rooting against it. :-]

July 11, 2008

Brett Favre Wants a New Team... Where Would He Be Most Satisfyingly Humiliated?

Back in March, I rejoiced in the end of Brett Favre's Hall-of-Fame-Caliber-but-still-horrendously-overrated career. I'm rejoicing again today, because by demanding his unconditional release, Favre will write another chapter in the hilarious downward spiral of his career. Heck, he only needs to throw 12 more picks to hit 300 for his career! He could pull that off by week six!

Keep in mind that right now the Packers are telling Favre to pound sand. In the end, I think Favre will be traded rather than released. As a Seahawks fan, where do I want him to land, in order for him to suffer maximum degradation and pain? Let's look at the list, shall we?

Teams DEFINITELY not interested: Seahawks, Rams, Patriots, Colts, Broncos, Chargers, Bengals, Browns, Steelers, Eagles, Cowboys, Giants, Saints, Jaguars, Packers, Titans, Cardinals

Teams Green Bay WILL NOT trade Favre to: Vikings, Lions, Bears (although it would be amazing to watch the heads of an entire NFC North fanbase explode due to massive cognitive dissonance)

For the rest of the NFL, let's rate the Favre Schadenfreude Index (FSI) if he lands there from one to five "rocket balls"

FSI LEVEL ONE: Texans, Chiefs, Ravens, Falcons

Favre either fades into "Namath with the Rams" obscurity on these squads or leads them to the playoffs and gets to leave the game on a high note. Meh. Also, Seattle doesn't play any of these teams in 2008, so we wouldn't get to see him throw a pick-six to Tru or Lofa.

FSI LEVEL TWO: Bills, Dolphins

Same as level one, but we play these teams. He could get punished at our hands directly.

FSI LEVEL THREE: Jets, Raiders

Oooh, just picture the media hype around Favre coming to the world's news capital. Imagine the New York Post's back page after he throws four INTs against the Pats! I sense a "FAVRE FROM PERFECT" banner headline.

As for Oakland, a BIIIIIG deal would be made about the Raiders picking another aging "outlaw" up off the scrap heap. Just for the extra attention it would attract, a flame-out in silver and black for Favre would be delicious.

FSI LEVEL FOUR: Panthers, Redskins, Bucs

All these teams have playoff hopes that Favre could fuck up royally with a few ill-timed stupid throws into double coverage. Extra points to the Skins, because they come to Qwest, and to the Bucs, because we play them on SNF.


Why the Niners? Because that would give Rocky Bernard two chances to give Mr. Wrangler Jeans a Squish-Job.

Alright, Seahawks faithful... Where do YOU want Favre to land?

"hey dick fu!"

That's an actual e-mail sent to me on eBay by a character with "blackandgold" in his username... Finally, I've drawn out some Steelers fans with my Polamalu auction... Hooray!

If you're interested in bidding, you have until 9:15 tonight (Seattle time)... It's up to $12.50 as I write this, and shipping is free. If any of you win the auction, I expect a full report on how you torment/destroy it. Stay tuned for updates.

Please bid here and then kill this thing..

Oh, but there is more!

Steelers fan: "hey dick fu!"

Me: "Just the sort of eloquent retort I'd expect from a Steelers fan!"


Me: "Who needed a major assist from the officials to win, huh? Who had the
lowest passer rating for any winning QB in a Super Bowl, huh? And so on..."


Me: "I'm done with you, all-caps boy. You know the refs handed your boys that
ring, and nothing will ever change that."

Steelers fan: "in ur dreams fag! haha!"

Me: "Wow! Your Gay-Dar is amazing! It works over the internet! I LOVE GUYS! You
really should find some outlet for that mutant superpower of yours! Or you should go back to calling people gay on Xbox 360 Live. Either way. Douche."

July 10, 2008

Springfield Mudbones Update #1

Keep going over to Field Gulls to follow the Seahawks All-Time Fantasy Draft, but he're a quick summary of DKSB's first four picks:

Steve Largent

While his career records have been bested thanks to the evolution of the NFL into a pass-first league, compared against his peers #80 was a dominant force at wide receiver in the 1970s-80s.
Largent finishes in NFL top 10 (1976-1989):

Receptions: 10 times
Receiving Yards: 8 Times
Receiving TDs: 8 Times

Largent also was named to 7 Pro Bowls, and was the first career Seahawk in the Hall of Fame.

His combination of deceptive speed, quickness, sure hands and precise route-running would make him an explosive offensive weapon in any era, so he is the cornerstone the Mudbones will build around.

Kenny Easley

No other player has ever given more of himself in service of the Seattle Seahawks than Kenny Easley. #45 literally sacrificed his kidneys to the game of professional football after volunteering to return punts. That team-first move added to a mounting litany of injuries, which led to his disastrous dependency on ibuprofen as a pain-killer.

Until the ugly, sad end of his career (and an aftermath made exponentially worse by Ken Behring) Easley was the most intimidating and talented defender in Seahawks history. Whenever he patrolled the secondary, opposing receivers were bringing knives to a gunfight.

In Seahawks history, only Walter Jones has been named All-Pro more times than Easley. His 1984 season was so exceptional that he was named NFL Defensive Player of the Year, and I can't think of a better leader for the Mudbones' defenders.

John L. Williams

Williams had perhaps the most unique skill set in team history. Playing in the fullback position, J.L. was certainly a devastating blocker. However, he was even better with the ball in his hands. In Seahawks history, only Steve Largent and Shaun Alexander have racked up more yards from scrimmage than John L., and he is still the 3rd leading receiver and the 4th leading rusher in team history.

The stats are very impressive, and the memories JLW conjures up are still as vivid as they were 20 years ago. In Chicago near the end of the '87 season, JLW scored on a 75-yard "middle screen" to silence a crowd who had expected only a celebration of Walter Payton's career, not a Bears defeat. Without JLW's efforts that day, the Seahawks would have missed the playoffs.

A year later in LA, JLW scored on the SAME EXACT PLAY... A 75-yard middle screen for a touchdown that effectively sealed Seattle's first ever AFC West title.

Even when teams should have seen him coming, John L. Williams had a knack for making big plays, and he'll be a fine addition to the Mudbones' offense.

Eugene Robinson

Yeah, a few years after leaving Seattle Eugene got in a bit of trouble
with the law down in Miami before XXXIII (which also made this devout
Christian look a tad hypocritical), but with the Seahawks #41 was nothing
but class.

When I was 15, I actually met Robinson when he visited a church youth
group I was only going to so I could meet girls (yeah, I know.. I'm
hellbound). The dude talked football with us for hours, including dropping
this tidbit: The QB he hated facing the most? Not Elway, Marino or
Montana, but Jim Kelly. Even then, that surprised the hell out of me.

Robinson made it to two Pro Bowls wearing Blue & Green, and is the
Seahawks all-time leader in tackles and takeaways (interceptions + fumbles
recovered). Paired with Easley as he was in 1986, the Mudbones have the
beginnings of an elite secondary.

July 9, 2008


Just two quick items:

-We've added RSS feeds over in the sidebar

-You can follow the Springfield Mudbones' progress in the sidebar now too. Keep your eyes on the entire draft over on Field Gulls.

July 7, 2008

Fred Moody's got you covered from Agee to Wyman

KSK has a great review up of Stefan Fatsis' new book "A Few Seconds of Panic" (which is about the 2006 Broncos season).

I'd love to pick that one up, but mostly the KSK post made me think back to Fred Moody's great book on the 1988 Seahawks: Fighting Chance.

I've blogged about it before, but if you're hungry for a detailed account of one of Seattle's most compelling NFL seasons, you should pick it up... only 46 cents on amazon right now! Of course, it includes this classic snippet of locker room conversation between two unnamed Seahawks:

"What that chick needs is a good stiff dick in the ass."

"I used to do that."

"In the ass???"

In other news, Enjoy the Enjoyment has moved over to the Sports Northwest Magazine blog, so adjust your links accordingly. Also look for a blurb by yours truly in the August issue...

July 3, 2008

This Sonics Thing Worked Out Pretty Well for Paul Allen

First of all, my condolences to all the Sonics die-hards out there.. Here's my post a while back on the Supes imminent departure... and ETE has full coverage here...

I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking this: Paul Allen is secretly smiling somewhere. Why?

1. The potential fan base of the Portland Blazers just massively increased.
2. The money people might have spent on the Sonics? Perhaps they'll spend that dough on the Seahawks and/or Seattle Sounders FC.
3. And oh yeah, he's probably smiling anyway because he's an effing Billionaire.

The Seahawks are the last, best hope for sporting joy in my home state for the near future... Bring it home, guys.

July 1, 2008

Bid, Win, Destroy Creatively!

There's the Hasselbeck figure I just got in the mail, looking all bad-ass on my desk alongside Carlton Fisk and Jonathan Papelbon... The problem is that I also had to buy Troy Polamalu:

So I'm selling the surplus figure on eBay... here's what I said in the product description:

Like most NFL fans outside of Western PA, I HATE the Pittsburgh Steelers. I hate everything from those hankies they wave around (that appear to be urine-soaked) to that completely bullplop "Immaculate Reception." As a Seahawks fan, my hatred and bile is mostly based on the striped-shirt assist Pittsburgh got in Super Bowl XL...

But I'm not here to appeal only to Seahawks fans... In Cincinnati and Cleveland, in Baltimore and Houston, in Boston and Oakland, and in every corner of this great nation are those who know a simple truth: The Steelers, indeed, SUCK.

We know Pittsburgh was Arizona Cardinals-level awful until the 70s, when the Steelers got all hulked-out on 'roids. We know that Mike Renfro got two feet down in the '79 AFC title game. We know that a team coached by Barry Switzer beat them in XXX.

We know Roethlisberger is a big overrated galoot, that Heinz Field has the worst playing surface in the league and CLASSSSY fans who spit on Deion Branch last season.

Finally, we know that D-Jack didn't push off, Big Ben didn't score and Locklear didn't commit holding.

Here's the deal: My hope is that the winning bidder is a Steeler Hater like me, and does something unspeakably awful to this surplus Polamalu figure (and hopefully records what they do to it).

To you Steeler fans out there: I'm a good little capitalist. You can save Troy and his glorious mane by winning this auction.

Polamalu is untouched in the original box. I have just removed Hasselbeck.

Shipping is free.. Get this thing out of my sight, please!

Please post your ideas for destroying Polamalu with as much sadism and cruelty as possible.... and bid if you feel like it.. Shipping is free! :-]

If I get any entertaining hate mail from Steelers fans, I'll post it here.