December 31, 2008

Remember, Cardinals... You're Just Borrowing Our Crown.

The Cardinals still have 6500 unsold seats for Saturday's NFC Wild Card Playoff game.

Think about that for a moment. This franchise has not hosted a playoff game since 1947... That's before The Marshall Plan, before the integration of the US military, and before Bobby Orr & Ozzy Osbourne were alive. Yet, they are having a bitch of a time selling the mister-falcon game out.

The Seahawks have hosted eight playoff games in team history... all of them packed to the rafters by the 12th Man. Can you imagine ANY scenario where Seattle would possibly suffer a BLACKED OUT playoff game? I can't.

Pathetic. Almost as pathetic as the team's performance over the second half of the season. Yeah, yeah.. They just beat us. I'll quote W. and Cheney when I reply "So What?" Right now the Hawks are a shell of the team they have been most of this decade, and of the team they will be next year.

In 2009, the natural order of the NFC West will be restored. AZ.. y'all are Denethor to Seattle's Aragon. You're just keeping the throne warm for the inevitable return of the kings.

I will RELISH watching the Falcons blow y'all out of your building Saturday afternoon. Just like Larry Fitzgerald's Baby Mama will, I'd imagine...

December 29, 2008

Mangini Whacked!


When your team is 4-12, it's pretty awesome to know one of your wins led directly to another coach getting shitcanned. It's even better when the coach in question is a whiny little doucher.

NFL Playoff Predictions I Just Pulled Out of My Ass

First Round
Falcons 44, Cardinals 27
Colts 26, Chargers 21
Ravens 17, Dolphins 9
Vikings 24, Eagles 23

Divisional Round
Ravens 20, Titans 17 (OT)
Panthers 35, Vikings 16
Giants 31, Falcons 23
Colts 22, Steelers 19

Conference Championships

Panthers 28, Giants 24
Ravens 26, Colts 23 (OT)

Super Bowl XLIII

Panthers 27, Ravens 20
MVP: DeAngelo Williams

December 28, 2008

2009 Seahawks Opponents Set

Dates will come in April, but we now know Seattle's 2009 opponents:

St. Louis
San Francisco
Tampa Bay

St. Louis
San Francisco
Green Bay

I'm going to wager we get ZERO Sunday or Monday Night games in '09....

We survived.

Thank God it's over. We've endured one of the 3 or 4 worst seasons in team history and have lived to tell the tale. Aside from last week's magical win inside the Qwest Field snow globe, this season was drably forgettable.

Here's the good news:

-We get the 4th pick in the draft next April

-We still have a bunch of talent on this roster

-We are still in the weakest division in the NFL

-We killed the Jets' season.. I'm still pretty happy about that.

What do you think? What else are you telling yourself as you try to be optimistic about 2009?

December 24, 2008

Merry Xmas, Seahawks Nation!

(I stole that gif from user Brian L. on Field Gulls, but damn, isn't it just too awesome?)

Go Hawks!

Top 10 Seahawks Xmas Present Wins

Admittedly this list is pretty specific... but now that I'm back home in the Tri-Cities, I thought it'd be cool to look at the wins in Seahawks history that made us feel even better than that time we found the Led Zeppelin Box Set under the tree. The rule? The games had to happen between December 18-26th (Woo! Boxing day!).. Enjoy!

10. 12/21/97 Seahawks 38, 49ers 9

The Niners came in with HFA locked up, and treated this like a glorified preseason game. Despite that, this was still a very satisfying win. Warren Moon wrapped up his spectacular 1997 season with four TD passes, including two to Joey Galloway.

9. 12/26/04 Seahawks 24, Cardinals 21

This is what I had to say about it at the time... SA rambled for 154 yards and three TDs, but that '04 squad came perilously close to shitting the bed yet again. It took a 3rd down scramble by Trent Dilfer to ice the victory and clinch a playoff berth for Seattle.

8. 12/21/08 Seahawks 13, Jets 3

Y'all know all about this one... I just want to add this: Mangini is a whiny pussy.

7. 12/20/86 Seahawks 41, Broncos 16

Hey kids! You know how you hate the Steelers now? Back in ye olden days of competing in the AFC West, we hated the Denver Broncos ALMOST as much! In a Super Bowl season for Denver, we sent them to the post-season with their ass smarting from a severe beatdown at the Dome.

6. 12/26/99 Seahawks 23, Chiefs 14

In the final regular season game at the Kingdome, the Hawks momentarily awoke from their 1999 late-season stupor to get the win that would catapult them into postseason play for the first time in 11 years. I was there, and I can tell you the 12th Man had never been louder in a quarter century of playing indoors.

5. 12/24/05 Seahawks 28, Colts 13

My write-up from back then is here... here's my pics from the game.

HFA clinched, and an amazing conclusion to the magical 8-0 Qwest campaign of '05. Who cares that Indy treated this one like a preseason game?

4. 12/18/88 Seahawks 43, Raiders 37

Like the Broncos/Chargers tilt this Sunday Night, the Hawks and Raiders met on the final day of the '88 season to see which mediocre AFC West team would sneak into the postseason tournament.

Despite coming in with a 7-8 record, the Raiders were favored to take this one at home (just like the Chargers are this week)... The Hawks prevailed in a sloppy but entertaining dust-up, cinching the first division title in team history.

3. 12/18/83 Seahawks 24, Patriots 6

My first trip to a Seahawks game, and the first playoff berth in team history was on the line. To my 8-year-old brain, this win was a better gift than the black & white TV I got for my bedroom the year before. I even got to see the great Steve Largent score a touchdown that day. It was pretty sweet, and it helped make me a Seahawks fan for life.

2. 12/24/83 Seahawks 31, Broncos 7

A week later, the Hawks smoked Denver for the first playoff win in franchise history. This one tends to get forgotten a bit given what happened a week later in Miami, but it was still a milestone victory for Seattle pro football.

1. 12/22/84 Seahawks 13, Raiders 7

The only thing better than beating the Broncos in the playoffs? Beating the defending World Champion Raiders, and beating them by physically dominating their preening, fugatz-tough-guy asses. This was Chuck Knox's proudest moment as Seahawks coach.... Ground Chuck reigned supreme, my friends.

December 22, 2008


As commenter Mind of No Mind pointed out, we finally got a measure of revenge for Vinny Testaverde's Phantom Touchdown yesterday. That awful call a decade ago killed our playoff chances in '98, led to the return of Instant Replay to the NFL, and got Dennis Erickson shitcanned. It is fitting that memorable games against the Jets unofficially represent the beginning and end of the Holmgren Era.

At least we didn't need the help of one of the biggest bullshit calls in NFL history to murder the 2008 Jets, did we?

Lendale White, your next gorging at Black Angus is on me

Big ups to KSK's Captain Caveman or creating that gif... His post about this is right here...

December 21, 2008

Seahawks 13, Jets 3

Project Mayhem and its crew of Space Monkeys finally claimed a victim today, and it was a doozy.

That was one of the most viscerally satisfying regular season wins in team history, instantly vaulting to the top of this list...

Against a team that absolutely had to win in order to keep its playoff hopes reasonably viable, our band of ragamuffins turned in their best performance of the season. The Hawks sent an unreasonably large and loud Qwest Field throng home happy, thanks in part to a couple of typically inexplicable interceptions from Mr. Wrangler Jeans and a pair of coaching moves from "Mangenius" that made you wonder if he bet against his team Chief Wiggum-style

-Down 10-3 early in the 4th, he passes up a makeable FG try from Jay Feely to... Punt. Was he petrified that Feely might remember what happened to him at Qwest back in 2005? If he had gotten three then, this next move MIGHT have made sense.

-Still down 10-3, late in the 4th... Jets face a 4th down from their own 20. Instead of punting and using their time outs to get the ball back, they go for it and fail, handing Seattle a 13-3 lead late in a game being played in blizzard conditions.

And this guy got a cameo on The Sopranos? Cripes.

Holmgren badly outcoached Mangini today, which should have surprised no one. The fact that Seattle has continued playing this hard long after a playoff trip became impossible is the best example of The Big Show's coaching skill.

There's so much great stuff to plow through here...

-The guys in the Hawks Nest who made the snowman... Classic! Overall the Qwest Field crowd was in top form.

-Seneca was once again mistake free, and made a number of perfect throws, including dropping a beautiful toss to JC for the game's only touchdown.

-The defense hounded Favre all day, and contained the Jets formidable ground game.

-Our makeshift O-line, just one notch above what you'd find in a scab game, played beautifully... they kept Wallace upright and gave MoMo just enough daylight to tear through NYJ's front seven over and over again.

Then, there is the shaaaaaaaameful joy...

-Favre aint goin' to the playoffs... nyah nyah nyah! Even if they beat Miami next Sunday, they'd need Buffalo to defeat New England to make the tournament.. That aint happening, y'all. Sweet. Have fun in Minnesota next year, Brett.

-Arizona, you suck balls. I have no doubt we'll beat them next Sunday in Glendale, and send them to the postseason at 8-8, ready to get wiped out by Atlanta in the Wild Card round.

Finally, if you'd rather have had the higher draft choice than these last two glorious wins... well, I'd have to say good day to you, sir. You're severely missing the point of being a fan.

The Penguin says... Go Hawks!

UPDATE: I almost forgot... This was also glorious, sweet revenge for the playoff loss last January at Favre's hands. Mu-ha-ha-ha!!!!!

December 20, 2008

The Streak Lives!

The weather in both Minneapolis and Seattle for Sunday looks so awful that Northwest let us switch our flights to Tuesday morning for free... Which means we (hopefully) won't get stranded in some airport.

It also means I'll get to watch the Seahawks/Jets tilt on my dish... Hooray!

Time to kill another team's season, y'all!

December 19, 2008

The Streak Ends: October 23, 1983 - December 14, 2008

I've seen the last 423 games the Seahawks have played (I've attended 47 games, and the rest I watched on live TV).

Cal Ripken aint got shit on me, y'all. But just like that streak had to end, so does mine. Our flights to the Tri-Cities for Xmas would only really work out on Sunday, so I'll be in the air while the Seahawks and Jets are hashing things out.

423 games. 215 wins. 208 losses. Every fall weekend over the last 25 years, I've devoted at least three hours to the Seahawks. In that time:

-We've had four different US Presidents.

-The Earth's population increased by 2 billion people.

-Barack Obama graduated from Columbia University in 1983, and rose to the US Presidency while I was inseparably glued to my Seahawks.

-R.E.M. released 14 studio albums

So while I know other people haven't had the opportunity to start or maintain a streak like that, I'm still pretty melancholy about it ending.

By the way... The first person who says "why don't you just tape it?" is going to get my DVR shoved up their corn chute.

It's. Not. The. Same!

Too cheer myself up, here's R.E.M. on Letterman from 1983...

December 17, 2008

The Top 10 Most Underrated Holmgren Moments (1999-2008)

Top 10 Holmgren moments with the Seahawks? Yawn. We all know those by heart. Here's my list of the top 10 underrated, forgotten, "oh, yeaaaah" Holmgren moments:

10. Drafting Darrell Jackson
9. Drafting Rocky Bernard

We tend to focus on the failures Holmgren had running the draft from 1999-2002 (Jerramy Stevens, Koren Robinson, etc), but he also collected a lot of key pieces for our playoff run from 2003-2007. D-Jack and Rocky are just two of the key contributors The walrus drafted.

8. Win at SF to end the 2003 regular season

Needing a win to stay alive for a playoff berth, the Hawks fell behind 14-0 early, but rallied for a season-saving win against former Hawks coach Dennis Erickson. This win vindicated Holmgren's decision to stay in Seattle after being stripped of his GM duties.

7. The MNF win at Green Bay in '99

1999 ended in a horrifying tailspin, but that blowout win at Lambeau said this to the football world: Our talons are sharper than ever! Fear our Osprey wrath!

6. Calling time out in OT during Jay Feely NYG game

Without the ability to challenge, Holmgren called time-out after a Jeremy Shockey catch & fumble in OT. A booth review reversed the catch, costing NYG precious yards of field position before another Feely miss. That's just savvy vet coaching.

5. Calling the deep ball to Seneca Wallace early in the 2005 NFC Championship.

Holmgen's conservative play-calling disappeared early in the NFC Championship, and it paid off. Wallace beat Ken Lucas deep, Hass threw a perfect pass, and Seneca made a spectacular catch. It set the tone for the most perfect day in Seahawks history.

4. Drafting Steve Hutchinson

It wasn't his fault that Hutch walked in 2006, but The Walrus drafted the dude, didn't he? Two years in a row, Holmgren scored big-time on mid-first round picks.

3. Drafting Shaun Alexander

Once again, we never give GMs enough credit when they make the right choice, even if it's obvious. Without Shaun, our Super Bowl trip never happens.

2. Swallowing his pride and giving up his GM duties.

Ever get demoted at your job? It's a pretty sucky feeling (unless you're James T. Kirk, and you hate all that Admiral bullshit anyway). Holmgren could have demanded that he keep his GM position or he was out... but he believed enough in this organization to accept being publicly humbled and focus on what he does best: Coaching.

1. Trading for Matt Hasselbeck

After the disastrous 2000 campaign, The Big Show probably had nightmares involving Jon Kitna throwing interceptions while Holmgren was buck naked, riding a unicorn (hey, dreams are weird). Even after Miami made a strong trade offer to Green Bay for Hass, Holmgren stepped up his offer and got his franchise QB.

December 16, 2008

God Bless You, Captain Caveman

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Here's a taste:

These are the intellectual midgets who will point out that I, as a Seahawks fan, am only bitter because of Super Bowl XL. To which I say, FUCKING GODDAMN RIGHT. And I will be until the day I die. I’m entitled to this bitterness. It’s what Seahawks fans got instead of a victory parade. Because, you know, some fans cheer for teams that DON’T go to the playoffs every year, some fans DON’T bitch about the offensive line’s play when the team is 11-3, and some fans DON’T still bitch about Kordell Stewart a decade later when other fans suffered through Kelly Stouffer at quarterback.

FUCK YOU, Steelers fans. Fuck your shitty city, fuck your shitty field, fuck your excellent football team, and FUCK YOU.

The Holmgren Legacy

Immediately after the 1998 season ended, I remember bounding about my apartment in Bellingham... absolutely, deliriously joyful.

Mike Holmgren was the new Head Coach and GM of the Seattle Seahawks.

Visions of multiple Super Bowls danced in my head. After 10 years of absolute, complete irrelevance in the NFL, the Seahawks were going to be a force to be reckoned with.

If the only standard we use is Lombardi Trophies, The Big Show fell short in Seattle. Plus, from a "glass half full with bitter tears and bile" perspective, The Walrus wasn't a success as a GM, and ended up presiding over a couple of the worst teams in franchise history (2000 and 2008).

However, he broke Seattle out of that pathetic fraternity of cities that have never seen their team go to the Super Bowl. Cleveland, Houston, Jacksonville, New Orleans, Detroit, and Phoenix? Suck. Mah. Ballz.

Plus, by posting 5 division titles, 6 playoff appearances, 4 playoff victories, and an NFC Championship since 1999, he's ensured that only the following teams can talk ANY shit to us (based on recent history).

St. Louis (XXXIV)
Baltimore (XXXV)
New England (3 rings)
Tampa Bay (XXXVII)
Pittsburgh (XL... fuckers)
Indianapolis (XLI)
New York Giants (XLII)

That puts us in the top quarter of the NFL since 1999. Not bad for a team that was at best ignored and at worst a punchline before The Big Show arrived.

Thank you, Mike. You will be missed.

December 15, 2008

RoboCop: Seahawks :: Clarence Boddicker: NYJ

How often does a 3-11 team get to play a game this meaningful?

-The last home game of Mike Holmgren's Seahawks career
-Possibly Holmgren's last game v. Favre (but I wouldn't bet the house on that)
-A chance to kill another team's season.

Seriously. If the Jets lose this game, they aren't going to the playoffs. It'll kill their shot at winning the AFC East (particularly because I see Miami winning @ KC and the Pats taking care of AZ at home), and there's no way the AFC East is going to snag that last wild card slot over Baltimore and/or Indy.

Other than going to the playoffs ourselves, what could be better than sending The Big Show out victorious, gatorade bath and all, in front of a delirious Qwest Field crowd?

It could be better if across the field, Mr. Wrangler Jeans was standing there dumbfounded... knowing his little adventure in NYC was going down in glorious, terrible failure.

Yeah, I'm pretty geeked for this game. How about y'all?

Bonus: an even better (and longer) version of the end of RoboCop:

December 14, 2008

Stupid Seahawks! Don't they know they're supposed to lose?

I mean, we all KNOW that higher draft picks are ALWAYS better than the players picked later on, right? Remember the 1998 draft? Remember how much better Ryan Leaf was than that sixth-round fuckstick Matt Hasselbeck? Since this is so simple and obvious, the Seahawks organization must be staffed by drooling mongoloids! Don't they know it's common practice for teams to intentionally lose all their games once they are out of playoff contention? It's a proven strategy that has always worked, particularly in the era of free agency and the salary cap!


A controversial call in a big game goes Pittsburgh's way? Shocking!!!

I'll update this as needed, but there's no way that there was indisputable visual evidence to overturn the call on the field: Down inside the 1-yard line, no touchdown.

Welcome to our world, Ravens fans.

Seahawks 23, Rams 20

For the third year in a row, the Rams blew a big lead at home against the Hawks. Even in the midst of our lost 2008, Seattle showed heart, guile and dare I say moxie in coming back to win... Even if it was against the historically fecal '08 Rams.

Some quick facts:

-Our third win ensures that this team won't go down as the worst team in franchise history. 1976 and 1992 will remain the only 2-win campaigns in the annals of Seahawk-dom.

-We're actually 3-2 in our division! We can finish 4-2 with a win at AZ in two weeks.

-We have a better record on the road than at Qwest right now, which just ain't right.

What else?

-Bite shit, Josh Brown.

-Seneca Wallace? I'd like you to stick around as Matt's back-up. 89 rating and no picks? I'll take that.

-Can we please find a way to keep MoMo? Pretty please?

-In 2009, DB and J-Carl are going to be Hass's two favorite targets.. Mark it, dude.

-People like to dump on Babs, but there he is again, taking one to the house. Big Play Babs indeed.

-I heard that folks in Seattle had big probs with the Fox-TV signal. Let me
introduce you to my good, reliable friend NFL Sunday Ticket by DirecTV. Woooo!

In conclusion, I think NYJ is walking into a Admiral Ackbar-level trap next Sunday. Also, the first person who bitches about this hurting our draft position is going to get fucking banned for life from this site.

End of line.

December 13, 2008

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold

Four Seahawk Legends, at the high water mark...

With the news of Walter Jones' microfracture surgery still stinging all of our ears, it's time to admit it: An era is ending in Seattle Seahawks football. I fancy myself an amateur Seahawks Historian, and I think we can clearly divide team history into these eras...

1976-1982: The Expansion Years
1983-1991: The Knox Republic
1992-1998: The Dark Time of Behring
1999-2008: The Holmgren Renaissance
2009-????: ?

I'm not talking doom & gloom here. In today's NFL, we could EASILY be a playoff team again in 2009. Just look at Miami and Atlanta's resurrections this season, for example. However, the team we've grown to know and love is going to be substantially different next year. No Holmgren. Already no SA. Possibly no Walter Jones. Hutch and Mack already long gone.... The era of The Big Show is truly drawing to a close.

These guys never won a ring (even though we all know they got royally screwed out of one), but they brought more joy to The 12th Man than any other group of players in franchise history. Even in this season of pitch black darkness and despair, we should take a moment to thank all of them for these great memories (yes, even The Traitor Steve Hutchinson).

The future is not hopeless, by any means. But the last few years can only be topped by a Lombardi Trophy, no?

Maybe I'm just sentimental, but I still think Hasselbeck can be the one holding that trophy for us in the next few years. He can still play, and will be the only real bridge between the Holmgren and Mora eras.

Your 2008 NFC West: The Worst NFL Division Ever?

Hat tip to the PFR blog...

This will be your prize, Cardinals! Champions of the worst NFL division since the merger. Hooray! If the Cards lose to Minnesota and New England over the next two weeks, they will finish 3-7 outside the division. Have fun getting ass-blasted in the Wild Card game, you burgundy flying rats!

The futility of rooting for your team to lose

The Seahawks are in that spot where a lot of fans are hoping the team loses its last three games in order to secure the best possible draft choice. The reality is that the Hawks are likely to win at least one more game, and could horrify the draft-obsessed part of our fan base by winning the last three games. How, you say?

-STL is simply god awful. They've put up a league worst -225 point differential. That's 127 points worse than Seattle. That's analagous to the gap between the top team (Titans at +148) and the 16th (!) rated team (Bears at +29). Even without Big Walt and a bunch of other guys, the Hawks should roll tomorrow.

-NYJ: How are things on the West Coast for the Jets? Shit-ay.

@ SD? loss by 19
@ OAK? loss by 3
@ SF? loss by 10

Throw in the intangibles of Holmgren's possible final game against Favre, and his certain last home game as Seattle's head man, and you get a great shot for a Seattle victory.

-AZ: Arizona will likely have nothing to play for, and the Hawks COULD be playing for a winning record in the NFC West (wins v. STL and AZ would put the Hawks at 4-2 in divisional play). Another winnable game.

So... Horror! The Hawks could finish 5-11, tumbling down the first-round draft board. We've seen this happen over and over again around the NFL. Why?

Players have no incentive to lay down for the team to get a higher draft pick. They are hoping to keep their own jobs, or at least maximize the chances that they'll get picked up by another squad. In addition, playing half-assed is an excellent way to get greviously injured.

In our specific case, the players are auditioning for Jim Mora, and I'm sure no one wants to be seen as "running for the bus" by the incoming head coach.

So, don't be surprised if the team ends with a flourish... and don't be pissed at them if they do. That's plumb dumb, y'all.

December 12, 2008

I am a bitter, spiteful bastard.

The Seahawks season is deader than Gov. Blago's career, and the Cardinals already have the NFC West crown wrapped up. So why will I be rooting hard for Minnesota and New England to beat the Cards the next two weeks, setting us up for a "big" season finale in Glendale?

I want those little red flying douchers to finish 8-8.

Why do I care? Let me count the ways...

1. The Seahawks at least managed 9-7 each year they've made the playoffs. We never snuck in tainted by utter mediocrity.

2. The hot, sexy Cards, who are SOOOOOOO much better in 2008, went 8-8 last year. If they win the west at 8-8, it will only because the rest of the division suuuuucked, not because they got any better.

3. If they go 8-8 and get plowed in the first round by a team like TB, ATL or Philly, they'll finish with a losing record for the year... Sweeeeeet.

At 8-8, the Cards' NFC West title banner better come with an asterisk.

*Hoo Boy, we actually were just fucking average that year.

So, if we have a chance to make 8-8 happen, I don't care if it costs us a couple of spots in the draft. I'd love to spend the winter reminding AZ "fans" they they barely suck less than we do.


December 11, 2008

In Defense of Mike Holmgren

You've all read about Coach Holmgren's claim that his overtures to delay his retirement were rebuffed by management, and over on Seahawk Addicts there's a healthy debate about whether The Big Show should return, and/or if Ruskell has done him wrong.

My take? Holmgren is clearly a Hall of Fame Coach, the greatest leader in team history. At the same time, 10 seasons is long enough with any franchise for damn near every coach. This team clearly needs a shake-up, and I think Jim Mora is going to be the right change of pace after the Walrus departs.

If he does come back to coaching in 2010, it's way too soon to speculate about where he'd land, other than I don't think he'll end up coaching the Niners.

I do want to point out that the Hawks have played hard week in and week out despite their awful record. Seeing a 2-10 club scratch and claw as hard as the Hawks did last week is a sign of exceptional coaching.

Not that this is a great team, but a few breaks going Seattle's way over the last few months would mean this team is 7-6 instead of 2-11. The Big Show deserves some credit for how these players have continued to fight long after hope for the playoffs has died.

December 8, 2008


That's the current price of a ticket to Sunday's Seahawks/Rams game on stubhub. Even at that price, I still haven't decided if I am going to make that 90-mile trek to the Edward Jones Dome. Here's the pros and cons, in my mind:


-Getting to yell at Josh Brown in person again
-Possibly seeing us run our winning streak over STL to EIGHT games
-Being able to say that I saw two of our meager 2008 wins in person
-Going to a Seahawks game. In any year, that's still an awesome thing to do.


-If they actually lose, that would be the most humiliating experience I've ever had at a game.
-The EJD has about all the charm and football atmosphere of a TJ Maxx.
-I'd be spending an entire day trekking to see two teams that have combined for FOUR wins this year.

It's a tough call. Is anyone else punishing themselves by seeing this on in person?

December 7, 2008


Why do the losses still hurt this bad when you are 2-11? I feel like my heart has been dug out of my chest with a garden trowel.


More coherent reactions later, y'all.

December 6, 2008

The World's Tallest Midget

With four games left, I'm already calling it: John Carlson is the Seahawks' 2008 MVP (or, more accurately... LCP: Least Crappy Player). As said perfectly on

In the season’s final four games, Carlson needs just 9 receptions, 99 yards and three touchdowns to set franchise highs by a tight end in those categories. Carlson has been one of the lone bright spots on offense this season, leading the team with 38 receptions, 456 yards and 3 touchdowns. If Carlson continues to lead the team in receiving, he’ll be the 1st Seahawks rookie to do so since 1995 (Joey Galloway)

JC is going to be an all-pro tight end in this league, and will be a reliable target for Seahawks QBs for the next decade or so. However, being MVP/LCP in one of the worst seasons in franchise history is a sort of dubious honor... Kinda like these "honors"

-First Steelers Fan Able to Read at a High School Level

-Loudest St. Louis Rams Fan

-First Raiders Fan to use Deodorant

-Best Chicago Bears Quarterback Ever

-All-time greatest Chicago/STL/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals Playoff Victory

-Greatest Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl Performance

-Least Arrogant Redskins Fan

Add more in the comments, y'all!

December 1, 2008

The Worst Seasons in Seahawks History

With the season winding down and the debate already starting about who the Hawks should draft next April, it's time to put this wind-blown hellscape of a season in some perspective. Enjoy!

5. 2004 (9-7)
What the deuce??? A playoff season among the worst in Seahawks history? How? Why???

Just step back and ask yourself this: Has any playoff team traumatized its fans more than the '04 Hawks?

-The collapse v. STL at home, blowing a 27-10 lead late in the 4th quarter.
-The mind-melting 43-39 MNF loss at home to Dallas (Hawks blow a late 39-29 lead)
-The home playoff loss to STL, ending with Bobby Engram's dropped TD pass on 4th down.

There's more, but I don't want to make myself cry. Even the positive memories of 2004 have serious baggage. Michael Boulware's game-winning INT return? That came against the one-win Dolphins. That two-point conversion stop to win the division? That came against a playoff-bound ATL squad sitting most of its starters.

I'm wincing just thinking about 2004. Ick.

4. 1994 (6-10)
There were four 6-10 campaigns to choose from in Seahawks history. Why does this one make the cut?

-The Hawks were forced out of the Kingdome by falling tiles, which gave Behring the pretext he needed to try to bolt for L.A.

-The Hawks teased us fans with a 3-1 start, before going 3-9 over the season's last three months.

Low point of 1994?
A 20-17 OT loss to the previously 0-8 Bengals. At home.

3. 1980 (4-12)
I'm too young to remember this season, but it was bad enough that there was a reference on the TV show Taxi to something being as likely as "Seattle winning the Super Bowl." The Hawks were coming off two 9-7 seasons and looked to be on the verge of big-time success... Cripes, in '79 their expansion brothers in Tampa made it all the way to the NFC Champeenship. Why not us??

The even bigger tease? The team started 4-3 before finishing with NINE losses in a row. Fuck. I'm glad I was only five years old that fall.

Low point of 1980?
Thanksgiving day. Dallas 51, Seahawks 7.

2. 2008 (2-10)
Yeah, this year is already almost at the top, and if we end up 2-14 it'll take the top spot. Why? Simply because of the yawning chasm between expectations and results for this team. I know it seems insane now, but back in August this team looked like a true NFC contender. We can talk all we want about the rash of injuries, but it doesn't make this season any less of a clusterfuck and shitpile sandwich.

Low point of 2008?
As scary as it sounds, we might not have seen it yet. For now I'd pencil in the 44-6 plowing we took @ NYG back in October.

1. 1992 (2-14)

Tom Flores. Dan McGwire. Stan Gelbaugh. Ken Behring. These names send a shudder through the souls of every Seahawks fans who endured that awful autumn of 1992. Not much else can be said about it, other than to note that there seems to be a correlation between winning First-term Democratic Presidential Candidates and AWFUL Seahawks seasons...

1976: Carter wins; Hawks go 2-12
1992: Clinton wins; Hawks go 2-14
2008: Obama wins; Hawks are at 2-10 currently.

Side note: The Seahawks have made the playoffs in 3 seasons where a Republican won the election (1984, 1988 and 2004).

The conclusion is clear: Those damn commie socialist demmycrats are out to destroy the Seahawks!

Low point of 1992?
October 11 @ Dallas (27-0)

November 27, 2008

"I cannot spare this man. He fights."

Lincoln said that about General Grant during the Civil War, but it should now be the mantra of the entire Seahawks organization and fan base regarding Matt Hasselbeck. His stat line was not impressive today: 22/38 for 287 yards and a pick. But just in maintaining some sembelance of an offensive attack while absorbing brutal punishment for 60 minutes, he proved his value to this franchise.

For everyone on the "dump Hass" bandwagon, I hope your little cart of pessimism careens into a ditch filled with broken glass and used hypodermic needles. For everyone who thinks that Hass is too old at 33, check this action:

Kerry Collins: Age 35
Brett Favre: Age 39
Kurt Warner: Age 37

Yeah, none of those old fucks are MVP candidates this year are they?

So now the Seahawks are staring down their worst season since 1992, and it's time to start thinking about preserving their most precious resource: An elite QB with a lot of gas left in the tank. As we move into the Mora era, no player is as irreplacable as Matt Hasselbeck.

Anyone who fails to see that is an ignorant fool. End of line.

November 25, 2008

Sign of the Times

That's from the "Just Sports" store at the Columbia Center Mall in the Tri-Cities.

The huge rack of Cowboys gear? That's still full price of course.

I guess the good news is that this a great time to stock up, if one has the necessary means. It's mostly just a painful reminder of how we've gone back to being the "Sea Chickens" in the popular imagination.


November 24, 2008

Redskins 20, Seahawks 17

First of all, here's my pics from the game.

Secondly, a reader came up to me and gave me props on the blog before the game. However, I was kind of out of it and didn't really know what was going on until my friend KT explained it to me.. So, dude in the Big Walt jersey and Hawkhead: Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry for being a fucking dunce yesterday. :-]

What else?

-The Seahawks are going to post their first losing season since 2002. Realistically, they look headed for 4-12.

-This was the first time I sat in Qwest's lower bowl, and the first time I've attended a loss at Qwest. Sitting in 125 was fun, but I missed being higher up and seeing more of the field.

-Seahawk Addicts and Field Gulls have already broken down the game, so I just want to say that I was happy to see the team still fighting, even at a point where any realistic hope for the playoffs is long gone.

-Hasselbeck. I know he had a poopsmith-esque game, but I found myself incensed with the fans who showered him with boos and jeers. Beck is playing hurt, and we can debate whether he should be on the field at all, but to boo him pisses all over what he has done for this team. It's ignorant fucking horseshit to boo the greatest QB in team history, a three-time pro bowler who led Seattle to its only Super Bowl, and who has proven over and over that he spits and pisses blood for this team, this town, and us fans. Dude isn't playing very well, but neither are most of the other players. Does anyone really think Seneca or Frye would have led us to victory? Cripes.

As I left the game, a little kid right in front of me said "I hate Hasselbeck." His dad said.. "Where is Hasselbeck? I wanna boo him!"

I've never shot two people a dirtier, more disrespectful look in my 33 years on this planet.

I'm not kidding... If you were booing Hasselbeck yesterday, you are a big dumb fuck, and it's hard for me to fathom how you can call yourself a Seahawks fan.

November 20, 2008

2-8? I'm still going to have a blast on Sunday.

That's my friend KT, and I'm going to the game with her this Sunday. Back in September, we went to the Rams game and had a kick-ass time at Tailgate Heaven. This time around, I'll be coming down from my perch in 325 to sit with her in 125. I've never sat in the lower level at Qwest, so this should be a fun change of pace. So if you're at Tailgate Heaven or down around 125, hunt me down T-800 style and say hello. I'll be giving a nice little ovation to Zorn and SA during the introductions... After that, DC is going to feel my boundless wrath for three hours plus. I expect nothing less from all y'all, either.

November 19, 2008

Dear PFT Guy: Be Fucked.

I've documented the fucktardery of PFT's Mike Fuck-o a few times before.. You may want to catch up here, here, and here.. But the bottom line is this grimy little turd of a man goes out of his way to dump on the Seahawks pretty much on any day that ends in y.

In addition to wishing 80-year-old rules were different so the Seahawks would lose, and idiotically arguing that the Hawks have TOO MUCH of a homefield advantage, Fuck-o has recently added new grist to my mill of hate.

From his "Sporting News 10 Pack" this week, talking about the Cowboys:

And things get considerably easier over the next 10 days for Dallas, with a Week 12 visit from the 49ers and a Turkey Day treat featuring stuffed birds from Seattle, who at 2-8 would be playing for pride if they actually had any.

Yeah, I know it's easy to kick us while we're down, fuckface... But do you actually, you know, WATCH THE GAMES? In the last two weeks Seattle lost to two potential playoff teams by a total of eight points, and almost erased a 26-7 deficit on Sunday. We might suck, but to say that we have no pride is willfully ignorant. But what do you expect from a guy who thinks the Rams are going to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl every year? Asswedge.

Here's another gem: Fuck-o uses Hasselbeck's weird press conference rant as an excuse to show the 2003 Wild Card int again. Hilarious! Hmm.. Fuck-o claims to "dislike all NFL teams equally," but I don't see him posting youtube clips of every shitbrained Brett Favre playoff INT each time Wrangler Brett says something stupid or weird. Hypocritical Steelers-loving bullshitter.

Please beat DC on Sunday, Hawks... If only to ruin PFT's day.

In conclusion, go fuck a broadsword, crapstard.

November 16, 2008

Con Sarn It!

Well, the season is OFFICIALLY over. The Hawks were outclassed by a superior team today (holy shit... Boldin and Fitz worked over our DBs like they were prison snitches), but thankfully I saw a team that still gives a crap. They refused to run for the bus after falling behind 26-7, and gave us reason to have hope going into 2009.

Once this team gets healthy and retools through free agency and the draft, they'll be competitive next season. I want to see more fight over the last six weeks though... Even at 2-8, next week is important. Why?

I'm going to be at next week's game, and I've never attended a Hawks loss at Qwest. Yup, with me at the game the Hawks are 11-0 at Qwest/Seahawks Stadium.

What do you think, sirs?

November 15, 2008

Inexplicably Excited

I'm way too psyched up about tomorrow's game, and way too optimistic about our chances. I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't feel like a meaningless game for a 2-7 team trudging through the remainder of its schedule, does it?

November 13, 2008

The Change We Need

I know President-Elect Obama has a lot on his plate right now, but I'd like to make a humble request as one of his voters/contributors/volunteers/constituents:

Bring back the Post-Super Bowl Presidential Phone Call to the victorious locker room! (Ok, now they do all the post-game stuff out on the field, but the principle is still the same.)

Nothing is more awkward/entertaining than a President trying to make small talk with an athlete... Remember when Reagan made that crack about using Marcus Allen as a weapon against the Russkies? Obama could top that by telling, say, Ray Lewis that he could sure use his help "intercepting" Bin Laden... Hilarious!

Shit, you could even have verizon sponsor it.. have Bob Costas hand the MVP the phone, and Obama shows up on the stadium jumbotron. Easy Peasy.

Who's with me on this one?

November 12, 2008

2002 Redux?

Ahh, the 2002 season. Remember how much we sucked the first half of the season? Unfortunately that team was slightly better than the '08 bunch at this point (3-6 v. 2-7).

However, behind a healthy Matt Hasselbeck, the Hawks finished with a 4-2 flourish. I can't help but think we have the potential to do something similar over the stretch run this season with Hass back under center. Yeah, I know a lot of you out there are rooting for that super high draft pick, but 7-9 sounds a lot better to me than 4-12, you dig?

I know that the upcoming sked looks rough, but remember that in '02 we won a number of games that were supposed to be cakewalks for the opposition (@ ATL and @ SD come to mind). Given the talent level of this bunch, there's no reason to think that they can't seriously fuck up other teams' playoff chances over the last 7 weeks.

AZ? Well, they'll be in the playoffs, but we can humble them a bit by sweeping they asses.

DC? I love me some Jimmy Zorn, but I'd love to keep him and his boys out of the playoffs even more.

Dallas? Jeez, do I even need to say it? Fuck Dallas. Fuck them right in the ear.

New England? See Dallas.

NYJ? Holmgren's last game at home? Against Favre? With them fighting for a playoff spot? I can't think of a sweeter win on the rest of our schedule.

What do you think, sirs?

November 11, 2008

Sunday Still Matters.

Arizona is cruising to a NFC West crown, just like we used to back in the old days of the Second Bush Administration.

However, we don't have to make it easy for them.

We can leave Kurt Warner limping, spitting blood and wondering why the Lord hath forsaken him. We can remind those red bastards that it aint gonna be this easy next year. We can put that nugget of doubt in their peanut heads: "Are we a one-year wonder?"

One more loss means all hope of the playoffs is extinguished. I'd prefer to have false hope for at least one more week, boys. Let's make those Cardinals fly back to Arizona with a team full of bum wings.

November 7, 2008

Almost 25 Years Ago....

I was only eight years old, but December 31, 1983 is forever scorched into my memory: Seahawks 27, Dolphins 20. Until 2005, the greatest day in Seattle's NFL history. Hell, that highlight above (thanks seahawksblue) is even narrated by the late great John Facenda.

When I am sitting in some Columbus sports bar watching the game this Sunday, I'll be wearing my Easley throwback and my mind will drift back to that soggy afternoon (probably in inverse proportion to how well the current Hawks are playing)... It's one of a handful of games in the '83 season that made me a Hawks fan for life.

Finally, sorry for being absent this week... I'm dealing with some personal issues, and was also trying to avoid the urge to gloat about the election in this space.

As always: GO HAWKS!

November 2, 2008

Eagles 26, Seahawks 7

The defense played gamely, but aside from that opening 90-yard spasm the offense could get NOTHING done. Watching this game was like driving around on a tire with a slowwwwww leak, wasn't it?

For the first time since 2002, I have to admit that the season is effectively over at midseason. Too many injuries, too much complacency (from both coaches and players). It's still important to see improvement in the second half of the season, and hopefully we'll see players busting ass to keep their jobs in the Mora regime next year.

Y'all know my position on packing it in.. I'm against it. But shutting down Hasselbeck for the rest of the season is just the smart thing to do, isn't it? With a healthy Hass in 2009, why can't we make a big turnaround?

It is profoundly depressing to see the Holmgren era ending like this, and I wish I could be there for his final home game v. NYJ. No such luck, though. Hopefully he'll get a hero's send-off from the Qwest faithful.

I'm off to see Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Staring at Elizabeth Banks MIGHT cheer me up.

October 26, 2008

Seahawks 34, Niners 13

There's lots of room for you on the bandwagon,
The road may be rough, the weather may forget us
But won't we all parade around and sing our songs,
A magic kingdom, open-armed
Greet us hello, bravo, name in lights
Passing on the word to fellow passengers and players, passing in,
Until you're tired looking at all the flags
And all the banners waving
This is some parade, yesiree Bob
Could we have known?
Yesiree Bob, could we have known?

For only the 2nd day all year, the Seahawks somewhat resembled the team we thought they'd be in 2008. The defense put the clamps on SF, and the offense avoided any major mistakes. 2-5 is still an ugly record, but this team suddenly has new life. They're out of the NFC West dungeon and only trail Arizona by two games (with a possibly huge dust-up looming in Seattle three weeks from now). Leonard Weaver and Patrick Kerney had standout performances, and K-Rob deserves special props for the block he threw to spring 43 for the deathblow TD.

The best news is that these games, for now, are still meaningful. The same can't be said for the Niners anymore, can it? Philly is coming to town next Sunday, and I request and require all y'all to leave McNabb with burst eardrums.

To steal a line from Andrew Sullivan... Know Hope.

October 22, 2008

Top 10 memorable wins from forgettable seasons

The Seahawks Space Monkeys bandwagon is getting better gas mileage everyday as the faithless and faint-hearted hop off. No matter how bad it gets, I'll still be watching though.. and not just out of obligation or loyalty. I don't want to miss out on a game like any of these... The only rule for this list is that the games must be from seasons the Seahawks finished with a losing record.

10. 10/17/76 Seahawks 13, Buccaneers 10

I was a one-year-old crapping in a diaper at the time, but I thought the first win in franchise history should make the list....

9. 12/22/02 Seahawks 30, Rams 10

This was a pretty unremarkable contest, but it was my first game at Seahawks Stadium, so it makes the list.

8. 12/15/02 Seahawks 30, Falcons 24 (OT)

Mike Vick and the playoff-bound Falcons were expected to roll the 4-9 Hawks, but Shaun Alexander gave them what-for until they cried sasafrass! His TD in overtime capped a 128-yard rushing performance and sent all those with black #7 jerseys home confused and unhappy.

7. 11/3/96 Seahawks 23, Oilers 16

1996 was an utterly forgettable 7-9 dirge of a season, but how can anyone forget the way this one finished? Instead of Houston hitting a chip-shot FG for a 19-16 win, the Hawks blocked the kick and returned it for the winning TD on the last play of regulation. This was during my six years at Western, and I was too busy having fun to remember much about those faceless Seahawk teams.. But this one really stuck in my head.

6. 9/29/02 Seahawks 48, Vikings 23

SA's FIVE td half... on Sunday Night Football, no less! This one is also significant as the first great performance at Seahawks Stadium.

5. 12/6/81 Seahawks 27, Jets 23

In Dave Krieg's first NFL start, Jimmy the Greek famously gave the Seahawks zero chance against the playoff-bound Jets. Oh well, the guy also said this:


That loss to the Sad-sack Hawks kept NYJ from the AFC east title in '81, and they went down against Buffalo in the wild card game that year. Ha-ha!

4. 12/16/00 Seahawks 27, Raiders 24

As I said before in this space:

Despite a 5-9 record at the time, we gave the AFC West Champion Raiders all they could handle. Y'all might remember this: trailing 24-17 in the 4th quarter, Ricky Watters broke off a huge run, but was caught near the goal line and fumbled. However, the Raiders rolled back into the end zone with the ball and it was ruled a safety! The legions of Oakland fans in attendance bitched and moaned like Dino Rossi, but the Hawks had the ball down by 5... Jon Kitna had his last memorable moment as a Seahawk when he drove Seattle the length of the field for the winning score and 2-point conversion.

It was a rare moment of joy in a lost season, and the sweet lamentations of all those Raider rooting assfucks still echo in my brainpan.

3. 10/27/02 Seahawks 17, Cowboys 14

Emmitt Smith did masturbate the ball down the feel enough to get the all-time rushing crown that day, but the afterthought Hawks left Big D with a last-second win that no one outside of our fan base remembers.

2. 11/16/81 Seahawks 44, Chargers 23

The mighty Chargers rolled into town for a MNF showdown against Seattle. Considering SD had not yet EVER lost to the Seahawks, it looked like an easy romp over the 3-7 Hawks. Right? I'll let Col. Matrix take it from here...


1. 11/30/92 Seahawks 16, Broncos 13 (OT)

I wrote a whole post about this one earlier... Here's a taste:

Both offenses flailed about like two drunk sorority chicks in a cat fight, and the Hawks were somehow only down 13-6 in the final minutes... A face-mask penalty on a punt return set us up at the Denver 35, but it still felt like it would take a miracle to put 7 on the board. Somehow Stan Gelbaugh got us inside the 10, and on
4th and goal he hit Brian Blades for the tying TD. Blades did some stupid early-90s celebration dance and the Kingdome crowd erupted like it was 1984 all over again. In OT John Kasay booted Seattle to only its 2nd win of the season, and Denver spiraled to a 8-8 collapse and an Xmas at home just like the pathetic Seattlites.

It was one of the only bright spots of 1992; I remember running out onto my front yard and screaming "SEAAAAAAHAWWWWWKKKKKSSSSSS!" into the night after that win. I had no idea it was the start of a lost decade for my Hawks. Ugh.

October 20, 2008

Project Mayhem

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
-Tyler Durden

"And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom."

At 1-5, the future looks like the "land of wind and ghosts." What can we do to bring any sort of meaning to this season? Destroy the hopes and dreams of others, that's what. Pull a Khan... activate the ol' Genesis device, and hope our opponents lack a Spock figure.

Each week is an opportunity to drag another team that much closer to our level of degraded hopelessness. Mike Singletary's first game as Niners coach? Let's send that bug-eyed bastage home 0-1. Let's get other coaches fired. Let's get other players cut. Let's make other fans weep as the feeble Seahawks ruin THEIR seasons too.

Let's salt the earth so nothing will ever grow again.

Let's be Space Monkeys.

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke."

October 19, 2008

The World of Suck

Last place. 1-5. I've got no pep talk for y'all right now. This is where we learn some things about this organization and its fans, because it's been six loooong years since we've been in this spot.

More after I've slept on this...

October 18, 2008

I'm DKSB, and I approve this beard.

So Yook and the rest of the Sawx force game 7 Sunday night. Whatever shall I do??

The Red Sox will be on my TV, and I'll watch the Hawks on my laptop, thanks to the magic of the internet, and the good sense of the NFL and NBC.

Speaking of that, can you EVER imagine the NFL fucking up TV coverage of a playoff game as badly as TBS/MLB did tonight? I sure can't.

I love baseball, but this is another reason the NFL is the best sports league in the universe.

GO SOX! GO HAWKS! 2-0 Sunday coming up!

UPDATE: Of course, the Chargers/Bills game is having a very similar problem today. That oughta shut my ass up, huh?

October 17, 2008

Your football team is 1-4? And you say the season is over?

Try being down 7-0 with two outs in the 7th inning, facing elimination.

THAT'S a "the season is over" moment. 1-4? In a weak division? With 11 games left? That's not "the season is over."

I know most of y'all aren't Sox fans; in fact, most of you are probably rooting for Tampa Bay. But I hope the Seahawks coaches and players watched that game, and I hope they took away this lesson: Nothing is over until WE say it's over.

Right here, I'm saying Sunday night will be a shitty one for the Tampa/St. Pete area. Not only is their baseball team going to be sent home for the winter... Their mighty Bucs are going to fall to 4-3 too.

It's also just nice to know that my favorite player, Matt Hasselbeck, was probably screaming at his TV last night just as loud as I was. :-]

October 15, 2008

Young Nastyman to Return Kicks

Why, you ask?


How great would it be if 30 Rock spearheaded a Seattle resurrection? Stay tuned.

(He is still #30, right?)

October 14, 2008

Good Luck in DC, Shaun

DKSB is one fan who is going to give Shaun a standing ovation when he takes the field for the Skins at Qwest on Nov. 23rd.

The greatest running back in Seahawks history, and Seattle's only NFL MVP, deserves at least one more warm welcome from the 12th Man, don't you think?

Someday SA will be in the Ring of Honor, but for now I wish him luck in DC (but not on 11/23, of course)...

October 13, 2008

Seahawks Fundamentalists... UNITE!

I'm not religious. At age 8, I started refusing to go to church because I became entranced by the rich pageant of the National Football League. I got older, and just realized that religion wasn't for me (as a born skeptic, I don't buy atheism either.. so I became militantly agnostic).

But I am not without faith in my life. It took faith to be a Red Sox fan from 1986-2003 (don't ever forget that Red Sox Nation was desolate as the heart of a Cubs fan just 4 short years ago), and it took faith to keep watching the Seahawks through the dark times of the 1990s.

On a rational level, this Seahawks team looks done. Defeated. Spent. They look like Balboa in the first act of Rocky III. At Seahawks Addicts, they're calling this the end of an era. At Field Gulls, there are brilliant breakdowns of how massively this team is fucking up. My intellect says that they are probably 100% right.

But my lizard brain says FUCK THAT! There's no way that this team got THIS bad over night. They have to have something left. They must have some reserve of pride, skill and rage left, buried under these layers of complacency and ineptitude. They CAN'T give up dominion over the NFC West this easily, can they?

Eleven games left. Seattle needs to go 8-3 the rest of the way, including a sweep of Arizona, to win this division (don't tell me that AZ will go better than 5-3 through the rest of their sked)... It can be done!

By the way, the next person who says they'd rather get a higher draft pick than "just" go 9-7 and win the division again is going to get a brutal cockpunching from yours truly.

Yeah, we're underdogs next Sunday Night, and you'll read stuff all week about how much we suck and how big of a shame it is that Flex Scheduling can't start early this year. It will be portrayed as an utterly hopeless trip to Tampa.

Hmm.. Looks like we are 4-0 all time at Tampa Bay. 5-0 sounds pretty good to me. How about y'all?

Who the fuck is with me???

October 12, 2008

Smells like a litter box down here

So here we are, in the NFC West's dank, smelly unfurnished basement, rooming with our old pals Josh Brown and STL. Today's loss falls squarely on the defense.. You can't really fault a 3rd string QB for fucking up a frantic comeback effort the way Frye did.

I'm not giving up until mathematical elimination day, but one starts to wonder if this team simply isn't very good. I hope this notion is dispelled next week. I can deal with rooting for a team that tries hard and fails... Right now, it looks like these guys have just stopped giving a goat's fucking ass about winning games.

This goddamn team better stop being all emo about this season and start punching mother fuckers in the neck.

Fuck! Come on, you assholes! Get pisssssed!

October 10, 2008

Are you hungry for Frye'd cheese?

Unfortunately Hass looks to be out on Sunday. This sucks balls.

However, I'm looking around the blogosphere, and seeing a lot of stinkin' thinkin'... I hope these morose mother fuckers aren't going to Qwest on Sunday, because they'll probably be useless, or worse, start booing at the first sign of trouble.

These goddamn chickenshits running around saying "season's over" or "1-4, here we come" need to hop off the bandwagon and stay there. Fuck you. I lived through the Behring years, and I'm not going to let four games make me abandon this team.

Remember that bit in Apollo 13, where the one dude gets all negative nelly and Ed Harris gives him this verbal smackdown:

"With all due respect, sir, I believe this is gonna be our finest hour."

The defense is going to step up. Julius Jones is going to grind it out, Frye will avoid turnovers and the Seahawks are going to fucking win.

As fans, you can choose to be Ed Harris, or NASA Bureaucrat Douche. I choose to be Ed Harris. Who are you?

UPDATE: I want to make a couple of things CRYSTAL clear...

1. I will not give up on this season until the team is mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. We're a long way from that, particularly in the NFC West.

2. If you root for the Seahawks to lose games in order to get a higher draft pick, you are committing Fan Treason, pure and simple. In the free agency/salary cap era high draft picks are not as valuable as they used to be, so there's not much point in hoping your team goes 3-13. I'd rather see my team show some heart and win some fucking games.. That way you aren't so hopeless that free agents sprint away from you in the offseason (not to mention shit teams need to over pay for FAs).

3. If you'd rather the Hawks go 2-14 and get the #1 pick than go 9-7, win a wild card playoff game and lose in the divisional playoffs.... You are a fucking moron. Two out of the last three years a #5 or #6 seed has won the Super Bowl, shit-for brains! If the Hawks got hot at the right time, it could be them, even if they just sneak into the playoffs out of the weak NFC West.

October 7, 2008

The 10 Most Humiliating Defeats in Seahawks History

First of all, last week's game won't be on this list. There's plenty of embarassing moments in our franchise's history, and our 44-6 drubbing last Sunday can't be seen in context quite yet. So here's the 10 most degrading, disgusting losses in Seahawks history. These are the losses that made you want to put away your Hawks gear until the next gameday... The ones that made you dread running into opposing fans at work or school the next day. Here we go.. Ugh.

10. October 4, 1992: Chargers 17, Seahawks 6
9. October 11, 1992: Cowboys 27, Seahawks 0
8. October 18, 1992: Raiders 19, Seahawks 0

I'll bunch these three games together to kick-off the list. This was the nadir of the lost 1992 campaign: Six points scored over three games & ZERO touchdowns.

7. October 7, 2007: Steelers 21, Seahawks 0

Revenge for XL? Not so much. Instead, the Hawks turned in a flaccid, zombified performance in a 10 am road game... Where have we seen that before?

6. December 23, 1989: Redskins 29, Seahawks 0

I was there for Steve Largent's last game. I cried profusely. It didn't help that Largent only notched three catches while his teammates sent him into retirement with an absolutely shameful effort.

5. November 27, 1980: Cowboys 51, Seahawks 7

This was the most torturous afternoon of the sad 1980 season. While Americans enjoyed their Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie, the Cowboys feasted on roasted Osprey. This is still the biggest single-game margin of defeat in Seahawks history.

4. September 3, 2000: Dolphins 23, Seahawks 0

The Seahawks opened the 2000 season in Miami, and aimed for payback after losing to the fins in the '99 Wild Card game. I was aiming to familiarize my new girlfriend (and eventual wife) with my weekly ritual of watching the Hawks. We went to a sports bar, and watched Seattle fall behind 23-0 by the half... Amy immediately wondered why I spent three hours each fall sunday watching such losers. Here's Kitna's line for the afternoon:

6-13, 54 yards, 0 TD, 4 INT

3. August 31, 1997: Jets 41, Seahawks 3

The first game of the Paul Allen era! My first game as a Seahawks season ticket holder! It didn't go well. At some point in the 3rd quarter, I said this:

"What a day. First Princess Di gets killed, then so do the Seahawks!"

2. November 30, 1987: Raiders 37, Seahawks 14

The Bo Jackson MNF game. The less said about it, the better. They just beat the christ out of us, and on national TV no less.

1. November 4, 1979: Rams 24, Seahawks 0

Even though I was only 4 when this game happened, it has to top the list. Why? That day the Seahawks turned in the worst offensive performance in NFL history. Sure, they got shut out... but they also racked up -7 total yards.

Negative seven yards.

That's seven yards less than my toddler ass racked up that day.

October 5, 2008


That's the aggregate score of our two road games this season.

A fucking travesty.

I'm not one of these guys who bemoans the "lazy pro athlete." NFL players are very handsomely compensated, but each week they risk serious injury, permanent disability and even death. On top of that, they have zero job security and even a brief NFL career results in a significantly diminished life expectancy.

But when it comes to the Seattle defense, I have to quote Heath Ledger's Joker...

"I mean, what happened? Did your - did your balls drop off? Hmm?"

There were moments during today's game where I almost thought they changed the rules of the sport and didn't bother to tell the Seahawks. I don't put this on the coaches, and I'm not going to make excuses about jet lag or any other bullshit. Those 11+ guys on defense played like gaggle of fancy lads having a slap-fight during recess at the boarding school.

I've got a dish. I watch a metric fuckload of NFL ball. You know what I've learned? As complex as the pro game is, defense is still mostly about naked animal aggression.

I HATE saying this, but it's obvious to me that the defense has gotten lazy about relying on the 12th Man to provide them with a jolt of adrenaline. I fully expect them to go buck wild on Aaron Rodgers and the Pack next Sunday, and I also expect us to win the game.

But two weeks from now in Tampa, will they bring that level of intensity & focus? Or will they stumble around the field like a bunch of goth kids forced to play football as some sort of twisted punishment?

I love you Hawks, but I am calling you out. Are you this:

or this:

It's time to redeem yourself, Hawks. Stop embarrassing us and start putting foot to ass.


That was one of the WORST losses in Seahawks history (I'll put it in greater perpective later this week). I'm ashamed of them today. The only player who showed any fucking heart was Hasselbeck. That dude is a warrior.

Two road blowouts in four games. This team really seems to have regressed this year, and I don't have any answers.

I'm disgusted, but I'm not hopeless. We have time to figure this out, but it's gotta start with a win over Team Cheese next week.

More to come... FUCK!

October 4, 2008

We interrupt this Seahawks blog to say... Woo! Red Soxxxxx! Fuck YEEEEAH!

We wrap a trip to the ALCS Sunday night, after the Seahawks conquer the NYG... It'll be a rough day for this doucher, huh?

October 3, 2008

Uniform Nerdage

If I was ever put on trial for excessive geekery, you'd have thousands of pieces of evidence to use against me. Here's exhibit 1,467 for the prosecution: My obsession with the minutiae of sports uniforms. I found kindred spirits in the folks over at Uni Watch, even though they pretty much despise the Seahawks' current uniforms (booo!). So buckle in... this post is going to get nerdy as fuuuuuuck.

-Based on the following picture, I can immediately tell you that it was taken at a game that was NOT played at Qwest Field. Why? Because in their 32 years of existence, the Seahawks have NEVER worn white jerseys at home. After Oakland wore white last week at home v. SD, the Hawks are the ONLY NFL team that has never worn white jerseys at home. I vote we keep it that way, personally.

-Pet peeve: Jim Zorn throwback jerseys. Am I mad that he's coaching another team now? Perhaps. But look at what people are shelling out $125 a pop for:

You know how many games Zorn started in his career wearing that jersey? Eight. He wore THIS the other 92 times he started for the Hawks:

Yup, the old 76-82 striped sleeves. I'm all about being old school, but how about being accurate when you do it? Sure, he wore the 83-01 uni a few times, but it's not representative of his career at all.

-Speaking of the old uniforms... Since the NFL is so keen on teams wearing throwback unis on Thanksgiving, does anyone know if we are planning to go retro in Dallas this year? I'd love to awaken the echoes of our visit in '86 (for all you young'ns out there, the Hawks walloped the 'Boys 31-14 on thanksgiving that year).

-Personally I love the all-blue home unis, but am not very fond of any of the other various combinations (The last time we wore white pants with blue jerseys was the 2005 opener at Jacksonville, and I'm pretty sure the last time we went with blue pants/white jerseys was at Minnesota in 2003, but I could be wrong). What do y'all think?

"What one man can do, another can do!"

Guess what? FIVE teams beat the Giants at the meadowlands last season. Why not us? Why not now?

On Sunday, we're gonna kill the mutha fuckas... Just like Sir Anthony Hopkins says.

October 1, 2008

October: Great for my Red Sox, Decent for U2, BADDDD for the Seahawks

If the Seahawks are going to reach their first 2008 goal of an NFC West title, they first have to improve their performance in the month of October. Anyone want to guess what Seattle's October record is during the Holmgren era?

No cheating, now....



Yup. 13-20... Just about a 6-10 season. Positively Cardinal-esque, huh? For the "non-October" portions of the regular season since '99, the Hawks are 61-37 69-42, working out to about a 10-6 record over a "full season".

Why the struggles in October? In 2008 at least, the schedule is a decent excuse:

@ TB
@ SF

Ouch. That's rough. Not the best draw if you're looking to break a tendency.

To have a realistic shot at postseason, the Hawks need to at least split these games. They'd then be 3-4 going into a HUGE showdown with the Eagles at Qwest on Nov. 2.... That one's tough, but winnable.

Show us something new, Hawks. Win a game on the east coast you aren't expected to win. Here's a good U2 song to inspire you:

Have you seen this man (on tv)?

That's me with the mind-blowingly awesome Kangaroo TV device after our 2007 win over the Bengals... An anonymous tipster thinks he saw me on TV:

Did you know they showed a clip of you in a Fox Sports commercial last night? I think it was during the "Mack Strong, In His Own Words" program. You're famous! ...this was definetelely DKSB at Qwest Field. You were using one of those little TVs you can rent at the stadium.

If this is fo' realsies, I'd love to see the ad. Has anyone else seen it? If so, does anyone have the necessary means to put it up on the youtubes?

September 29, 2008

Giants Schmiants...

Patrick Kerney: Ready to feast on Eli's soul.

I'm not here to talk trash about the Giants. They're the defending world champs, and they are once again a formidable team. They are what the Seahawks are trying to become.

However, I'm not about to concede Sunday's game. Why?

-If you watch ESPN enough, you start to believe the NFC East is populated by Terminators, T-Rexes and Tasmanian Devils. Surely the puny Seahawks must have an awful record against such an dominant division, right?

How about 9-1 since the start of 2005 (including the last nine in a row), with the single loss in OT at FedEx Field?

-Yeah, Seattle is only 18-27 on the road since 2003, but NYG is only 19-29 at home over the same period. The G-men have a long history of simply failing to show up for games at the Meadowlands, so this would be a PRIME spot for the Hawks to break through with a big win in the Eastern Time Zone.

-While the Hawks get a bunch of players back this week, the Giants are of course without Plax. Shouldn't the Seahawks take his suspension almost as bulletin board material? If the next game was against the Cowboys or Eagles, I HIGHLY doubt that Burress would have been suspended by the team.

Time to step up, Hawks... Don't lose and make me look like a Schmuck.

September 28, 2008

The Seahawks just had a better day off than Ferris Bueller

"Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

-Ferris Bueller, surely urging us to sit back and enjoy this bye week.

Jipes. The Niners and Cards both just took SEVERE beatings back east (don't let AZ's comeback attempt to dignify the final score fool you... they got pwned).

After a traumatically awful 0-2 start, the Seahawks are only a half-game out of first place in the admittedly pathetic NFC West. With SF playing the Patriots and AZ tangling with Buffalo next week, a win at the Meadowlands could quite possibly put Seattle back atop the division.

No matter what the national media says, we don't need to make any apologies for winning a crappy division. How many times did the Niners do that back in the '80s? We need to copy something else those old Niners did a few times: Win playoff games on the road.

Living out here in the NFC West gives the Hawks the opportunity to get healthy and then start rolling towards Championship-calibre January football. For now, just thank the maker that, like Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles, we're "King of the Dipshits."