April 2, 2010

Living Receivers: The Tangent Universe 1986 Seattle Seahawks

The other night I finally saw Hot Tub Time Machine, and I gotta agree with Roger Ebert: Solid Fucking Flick. But since I can yoke literally anything to our beloved Seahawks, the 1986 setting of the film (including the Broncos/Browns AFC title game, which was actually in January of 1987), made me think... What if those white-hot '86 Hawks actually had made the playoffs?

Long-time readers probably know that I love the 1986 Seahawks more than any squad in team history besides the 2005 NFC Champs. Here's a rambling explanation why. Please read it if you aren't familiar with the mythical '86 Seahawks. Back? Good.

The excruciating reality is that if Nick Lowery had missed a single FG, and if Buffalo had won an OT game at Cincy instead of the Bengals, The Seahawks would have rolled into the postseason. This is the history that never happened...

December 28, 1986: AFC Wild Card Game
Seahawks 31, Jets 14
On November 17, Seattle was 5-6, and had just lost 34-7 to Cincinnati. The Jets were 10-1 and an all-New Jersey XXI seemed like a real possibility. However, while the Seahawks were kicking more ass than Sledge Hammer!, the Jets lost 5 games in a row, all by at least 14 points. NYJ's defense gave up at least 45 points three times during this stretch, but were still home favorites over the surging Seahawks.

Bobby Joe Edmonds set the tone by returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown, and the rout was on. Jacob Green and Joe Nash both sacked Pat Ryan twice, and rookie fullback John L. Williams scored his first two NFL touchdowns. The fading Jets didn't put up much of a fight... The next game at Cleveland wouldn't be so easy.

January 3, 1987: AFC Divisional Playoff
Seahawks 23, Browns 20 (OT)
The Seahawks were double-digit underdogs heading into decrepit Cleveland Municipal Stadium, and for 57 minutes the top-seeded Browns were in control. Schottenheimer kept it conservative in an attempt to hold a 20-10 lead, and it seemed to be working until Norm Johnson banged through a 50-yarder to cut the lead to 7. Seattle's ensuing onside kick failed, but Cleveland was stopped cold on 4th-and-inches when Fredd Young stuffed Kevin Mack in the backfield.

Seattle took over at their own 41, and with 1:31 left and no time outs, needed a touchdown to tie. Against the din created by 81,000 Cleveland fanatics, Dave Krieg completed all 5 pass attempts on the climatic drive, three of which were hauled in by Steve Largent. The future Hall-of-Famer's spectacular, toe-dragging 17-yard TD catch tied the game with only 22 seconds left.

The Browns took a knee and settled for OT. They would never get the ball back.

Edmonds once again came through for Seattle, returning the OT kickoff to midfield. Krieg dropped a 35-yard bomb into Darryl Turner's hands, and three plays later Johnson's 30-yard attempt was true. The ancient stadium fell as silent as a tomb, and Seattle was headed to Mile High Stadium for their 3rd meeting of the season with the hated Broncos.

January 11, 1987: AFC Championship Game
Seahawks 31, Broncos 27
Three weeks earlier, the Seahawks steamrolled Denver in the regular season finale 41-16. The AFC title game seemed to pick up right where that game left off, with Seattle converting two early Elway interceptions into Curt Warner TD runs. After one quarter, Seattle led 17-0. At the half? 24-7. The 4th quarter started with the Seahawks comfortably ahead 31-13, and Coach Knox repeated Schottenheimer's error from the week before: He sat on the ball and hoped the clock would run out before Seattle's lead evaporated.

Then John Elway terrorized every Seahawks fan alive...

With 10 minutes left, an Elway touchdown scramble. Then a meek Seattle 3-and-out. With 5 minutes left, Elway drove a dart into Steve Watson's chest to cut the Seattle lead to 31-27. Mile High Stadium was shaking like David Byrne in his big suit, and it looked like the Seahawks were set to pull one of the biggest choke jobs in playoff history.

Another brief possession, then a Seattle punt. The Broncos had just under three minutes to drive 80 yards. Twice it appeared the Seahawks would stop Elway, only to see Denver convert on 4th down. The Orange Menace made it all the way to the Seattle 12, and had a first down with 35 seconds left.

Elway spotted Mark Jackson open in the back of the end zone. Touchdown. Super Bowl... but then a flash of white: Eugene Robinson, diving in front of Jackson for the game-clinching interception. Silence in Denver... Delirium in Seattle. The Seahawks were headed to Super Bowl XXI.

January 25, 1987: Super Bowl XXI
Seahawks 24, Giants 23
A giant horde of Twelves greeted the Seahawks when they arrived at Sea-Tac after winning the AFC title, and if you paid attention to the national press, those were practically the only people who gave Seattle a chance in XXI. The New York Giants were the class of the NFL, and to the football elite it didn't seem particularly relevant that NYG's last defeat was at the Kingdome three months earlier.

"The Seahawks needed four Simms interceptions to win by 5 at home," the conventional wisdom went... "it was a fluky win that won't be repeated." The focus of the pre-XXI hype was almost entirely on the Giants, and the Seahawks took the field at the Rose Bowl with a palpable "us against the world" mentality. They were 15-point underdogs, and despite the west-coast setting, the crowd was overwhelmingly tilted towards New York.

NYG's defense was the best in the league against the run, so Dave Krieg would have to play the game of his life for Seattle to have a chance. Curt Warner was held to 47 yards on 15 carries, but Milton College's most famous graduate went 22-25 for 268 yards and three touchdowns. In what was instantly regarded as the greatest Super Bowl ever, two teams on a combined 19-game winning streak went to war for 3+ hours.

The Seahawks led 21-14 with 7 minutes left when Lawrence Taylor made what looked like a game-changing play: LT sacked Krieg in the end zone and forced a fumble; in the ensuing chaos the ball skittered out of bounds for a Giants safety. Phil Simms found Mark Bavaro for the go-ahead touchdown with less than three minutes on the clock, and it looked like the Seahawks would have to settle for the respect gained from a valiant but losing effort.

Then the play that would make John L. Williams a football immortal: The bubble screen. JLW rambled 64 yards down to the Giants 14-yard-line behind a series of perfectly executed downfield blocks. Only Lawrence Taylor's spectacular effort to catch Williams from behind kept Seattle out of the end zone. A Norm Johnson chip-shot put the Seahawks up 24-23 with 1:58 left.... unfortunately, that left plenty of time for Simms to get NYG in FG range.

The largest TV audience since the M*A*S*H finale was riveted to the final drive. It came down to a 41-yard game-winning FG attempt by Raul Allegre with 3 seconds on the clock... Snap. Hold. Kick. Wide right. BARELY wide right.

The Seattle Seahawks were Champions of the World, and Dave Krieg was headed to Disneyland. From Anchorage to Boise, fans celebrated like Ewoks singing Yub-Nub. The victory parade in Seattle drew a crowd of 500,000 delirious Twelves. The Lombardi Trophy was ours, and nothing would ever be the same.

Postscript
Coach Knox retired on top a week after the XXI win, and was replaced by DC Tom Catlin. In the wake of a Super Bowl win, the Seahawks gambled a late-round pick on Heisman Trophy winner (and Kansas City Royals outfielder) Bo Jackson. It paid off with a spectacular rookie campaign, highlighted by a 257-yard explosion on MNF against the hated L.A. Raiders.

The Seahawks rolled to a 13-2 record in 1987, but couldn't overcome an injury to Jackson in the divisional playoff win over Houston. Denver got its revenge in the AFC Championship. In 1988 the Seahawks returned to the Super Bowl only to lose a heartbreaker to Joe Montana and the 49ers.

Seattle's decline started in the 1990 playoffs with Jackson's career-ending injury in a playoff loss at Buffalo. After a sub-par 1991 campaign, Catlin and Super Bowl MVP Krieg were run out of town. The Nordstrom family made a splash by luring Miami University coach Dennis Erickson back to the Pacific Northwest with millions of dollars and the promise of total control. Erickson's series of weak drafts and dubious free agent signings led to his firing after the 1996 season, and the Nordstroms replaced him with Patriots Head Coach Bill Parcells.

Hey, it could have happened.

March 22, 2010

I'm the Grand Marshall of the Parade of the Deluded

Our new QB!

I will admit this to y'all, at the risk of eroding my street cred within the 12 Army: As long as the Seahawks are decently competitive and entertaining, I'm a pretty happy fan. If Seattle was mathematically alive going into the week 17 every year, I honestly wouldn't have much to complain about.

I know that the idea of going between 7-9 and 9-7 every year sounds like torture to a lot of you (as well as sounding a lot like the vast majority of franchise history), but I have a highly developed ability to flat-out lie to myself about the Seattle Seahawks. No matter how solid the evidence is to the contrary, as long as the team is still mathematically alive, I'm still DEEPLY emotionally invested.

Even in a year like 2004 or 1999, when it was clear to any well-informed observer that the Hawks had ZERO chance at winning it all even if they stumbled into the playoffs, I told myself "hey, they could still get hot and go on a Cinderella run! I don't want to miss that shit!"

How is this relevant? Folks like John Morgan over on Field Gulls make a pretty compelling case that the Carroll Administration couldn't pour Jones Soda out of a pair of football cleats if the instructions were written on the heels. It's absolutely possible that the next couple of years could be a Flores-worthy death march of crappy, crappy football from our Seahawks.

But to paraphrase a Fox Mulder line, I HAVE TO believe. It's not that I think we should all shut up and never criticize the players, coaches, or management... It's more that the idea we are doomed to fail is too depressing and morale-crushing for me to accept.

So until proven otherwise, I have to believe that Pete Carroll is Chike Knoxgren. Until a big-ass pile of defeat and degradation smothers me, I have to believe that Charlie Whitehurst will kick more ass than Beef Supreme.

Who's with me?

March 18, 2010

Don't Shave, Charlie!

As you all know, a beard makes any guy instantly 1000% more awesome. From Jesus to Zach Galafinakis, beards have been THE SHIT. Even Saddam Hussein looked cooler with a beard before taking a ride on the ol' neck swing, and though I shave mine off once in a while, I always come crawling back to my glorious face-parka.

Charlie Whitehurst, you look fucking DOPE. You're gonna get a lot of pressure to trim that hair and shave the beard. DON'T! Who needs another naked-faced, short-haired QB? I love Hass, but from the neck up he's Mr. Bigglesworth. You're in the Pacific Northwest now, and the Vancouver-Seattle-Portland corridor is probably the beard capital of North America. Don't pull a Johnny Damon, my man... Us beardos need a champion, and you could be the one to lead us into a hirsute golden age!

If you lead Seattle back to contention, they'll be selling wigs and fake beards as "Whitehurst costumes" at fucking QFC, bro. Hell, they might give em out to the fans at Qwest! Just imagine 65,000 screaming lunatics striking a Jesus Christ Pose in your honor... Succeed, and you will be a legend. Succeed with that mighty beard, and Gillette might have to close up shop in South Alaska.

What do you think, sirs?

March 17, 2010

Ummm... Even I'm starting to panic a little... Umm... Even I overreact sometimes

I'm going to keep what I wrote in the heat of the moment up here, if only to keep myself humble. With some time to digest this move, and after reading some things from people I respect deeply, I feel better about this trade... For a good explanation why, head over to Seahawks Addicts...

So the Seahawks have just given Charlie Whitehurst a 2-year, $10 million contract, dropped from the #40 to #60 spot in this year's draft, and shipped a 2011 3rd-round pick to San Diego... all for a 28-year-old QB with ZERO NFL starts.

I'm obviously inclined to sit back and see how things play out before marching on the VMAC and hanging Carroll in effigy... But to paraphrase what Grand Moff Tarkin said to Darth Vader, you're taking an awful risk, Pete. This had better work.

We have to assume the Seahawks are not done making moves, and the Whitehurst trade means that Hasselbeck could easily be traded before the draft. Given that Beck is one of my favorite players, my mind wanders to how Behring ran Dave Krieg out of town too soon, and the next season was a 2-14 calamity.

These are either the bold moves that will pay off with a contending team in a couple of years, or the bat-shit crazy, desperate flailings of a cadre of jittery lunatics. Unfortunately, things could get very ugly for our Seahawks before we know which path the Carroll regime has traveled down...

March 16, 2010

OH NOES! They're breaking up our shitty, shitty team!



The overall reaction to the Seahawks off-season moves so far has been, well... negative. Actually, it's getting to be closer to a collective flat-out piss-yourself hissy fit.

Time to cut the fucking shit, y'all...

Yeah, I was the last to figure this out, but I HAVE figured it out: The Seahawks, as currently constituted, suck. And they suck HAAAAAARRRD.

9 wins out of the last 32 games.

4 of those wins were against St. Louis, who has only won THREE out of their last 32.

In the last two years, the Seahawks have a grand total of THREE non-NFC West wins. They have ZERO non-divisional road wins during this stretch.

It wasn't all craptacular coaching. It wasn't ALL Mora and Ruskell...

It's not like the front office is breaking up the 1985 Bears, my friends. We can quibble about the details of these moves, but do we really know any better than the FO? Shit, I didn't want to draft Tatupu in 2005, and I would have drafted Crabtree last year. I clearly shouldn't be running the team, and you probably shouldn't be either....

Shocking news: New management wants to bring in their own guys, and stockpile draft picks and get way younger. I wouldn't have made the Tapp trade, but I also wouldn't have traded Nomar in 2004 either.

I don't know how these moves are going to work out, but I DO know everyone is jumping ahead to blind panic a little soon, even for us Seahawks fans.