"Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."
-Galdalf, The Fellowship of the Ring (Yes, I am a total loserdork)
I know that I'm indirectly comparing Deion Branch to Gollum here, but bear with me.
A metric shitload of Seahawks fans see little or no value in Deion Branch right now. You can't go onto a Hawks message board without seeing howling calls of "trade DB!" or "cut Branch." Of course he hasn't lived up to the hype that came with his arrival early in the 2006 season, and up to this point he clearly hasn't been worth that first round pick.
However, I can't shake the feeling that at some key moment this season, we'll be glad DB is still wearing Seahawks blue. After all, the guy has come up huge in the postseason before. Like the old bearded guy said, even the wise cannot see all ends, and if there are ANY injuries in our WR corps, or if Deon Butler's learning curve is steep... and on and on... we're gonna need #83 to be making play for US, not someone else.
That's just what my gut tells me. He also tells me to eat the whole fucking bag of doritos, too... so he may not be trustworthy. I call him Chubra.
The Raiders are coming to Qwest Thursday night, so it's a good time to bring back some old classics of Oakland/L.A. hatred (updated and with a dash of new material mixed in)... Enjoy!
Side note #1: If you are old enough, you might remember the Raiders being the most popular team in the northwest before '76. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Side note #2: Who else was born during the very specific window where, to this day, "Oakland Raiders" sounds weird to you and "LA Raiders" sounds right?
Let's go...
I don't care that the level of play Thursday night will barely be above an '87 scab game. I don't care that both teams will just be desperately trying to avoid any injuries before week 1. I still want to see the guys wearing blue stomp the tainted, evil guts out of the goddamn Raiders.
They say that you have to be taught to hate, and I was a quick study in developing a frothing, rabid loathing of the Raiders. After L.A. snuffed Seattle's Cinderella run in the 1983 AFC title game, my 8-year-old soul was crushed. Since then, everything about the Raiders organization has filled me with disgust and revulsion.
There's so much to hate about these schmucks. Their dirty play is such common knowledge that Lisa Simpson urged Homer to bet on them "because they always cheat." They're run by a curmudgeonly, dried-up relic from a best-forgotten era, who insists on running an offense that went out of style about the same time New Coke did. Did I mention this half-dead wraith of a man has moved his team TWICE and generally tried to fuck up the NFL's shit at every opportunity? Watch this Mr. Show clip, change "Satan" to "Al Davis," and you'll know how I feel about Oakland's owner..
Here's how reviled this team is: They got screwed on an XL-level in the "tuck rule" game, and nobody outside of The Black Hole gave a damn. Why? Fuck the fucking Raiders, that's why.
But wait, it gets worse! Their fans are a particularly wretched lot, who seem to think that rooting for a filthy, scuzzy, outdated team wearing black makes them "bad ass." I've done my research, and Raider fans also tend to like:
-Truck Nutz -Decals of Calvin peeing on things -Dane Cook -Pointless bandannas -Misspelled tattoos
The perfect expression of all this was at a game back in 1997, which the Seahawks won 45-34 behind a huge day from Warren Moon. At the time, my seats were in the very top row of the Kingdome in the south end zone. There was this clump of Oakland fans a few rows ahead of us, and the whole game they never shut up about how tough and bad-ass the Raiders were, and how the Seahawks liked other boys, among other things (not that there's anything wrong with that). Even down by 11 very late in the game, with Warren Moon taking a knee to run out the clock, they would not stop taunting us Seattle fans and preening like dirtbag peacocks. Finally, I snapped and screamed:
"YOUR TEAM IS 3-5!!!!! OAKLAND SUCKS! SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
Only after the words escaped my mouth did I realize my chances of getting shanked in the parking lot just exponentially increased. Thankfully, I lived to tell the tale.
If you are going to the game Thursday night and you run into any similar behavior, remind them of this inconvenient truth for Raider Nation. Since 2003:
Seahawks: 55-41 with 5 playoff appearances, 4 division titles, 4 playoff wins and an NFC title.
Raiders: 24-72. Their 5-11 finish in '08 was their best since 2003.
You know how I told you guys that Mark Tye Turner's new book was Fan-freaking-tastick? Obviously, I think y'all should buy it anyway, but if you buy it from Amazon.com using that little widget on my sidebar, I'll get a cut of the action (which will help me towards making sweary, pop-culture-reference-laden Seahawks blog posts full-time).
Help me out, help out a great author, and help yourself out by packing that brainpan of yours with Complete Seahawks Knowledge.
UPDATE: I've added some more amazon.com links in the sidebar... I hope it's not too obtrusive, but if you buy stuff through those widgets, yours truly will get some much-needed dough. Thanks again!
XLIV will be the first Super Bowl decided in OT... but who will win?????
Something I really hate is implausible preseason predictions. I don't mean things like "the Lions will make the playoffs," either. I'm talking about when some lazy sportswriter predicts the records for all 32 teams and comes up with an impossible aggregate record, or predicts playoff matchups without working through tiebreakers, etc.
That's why at DKSB, we go through the ENTIRE regular season (using a grid like this) and predict the winner of EVERY game, so all the pieces fit together. Here it is, y'all:
NFC West Seahawks 10-6 Cardinals 9-7 49ers 6-10 Rams 2-14
NFC North Packers 11-5 Vikings 10-6 Bears 8-8 Lions 2-14
NFC South Falcons 10-6 Saints 9-7 Panthers 8-8 Buccaneers 3-13
NFC East Giants 12-4 Eagles 10-6 Cowboys 9-7 Redskins 5-11
The #1 predictor of team success in the NFL is outstanding quarterback play. Sure, sometimes a team can have an elite QB performance and miss the postseason entirely (2008 Saints)... and sometimes a great defense can carry a team with merely competent quarterbacking to a Lombardi Trophy (2000 Ravens, 2002 Bucs), but any amount of research into the modern NFL leads to this conclusion: Having an elite QB massively increases a team's chances to reach the Super Bowl, while lacking such a player radically REDUCES the probability of your team playing in February. So, aside from anything else you've seen this August from the Seahawks, these numbers should leave you giddy:
38/53/414/4/1
Passer Rating: 111.7
Those are Beck's numbers in the 2009 preseason. As Dr. Venture might say, "Ladysmith Black Mambazo!" Yes, yes... It's "just preseason." Yes, yes... This doesn't mean anything if our makeshift O-line allows him to get injured... But The Objectivist looks sharp, and is clearly clicking with TJH and John "Jeebus" Carlson.
What I'm about to say isn't nearly as crazy as it sounds: If Hasselbeck can give us a full season anywhere near this level, the Seahawks can go to XLIV... and they can win.
So, maybe you don't want to shout that from the rooftops yet, I get it... But by yourself, watching this... you should have a Joker-level smile plastered on your face, fellow Twelves.
Special thanks go out to Seahawk Addicts, my friend Mark and my little brother James, who all fed me text updates about the game while I drove through the Ohio wilderness last night...
