When I am King, You Will be First Against the Wall...

Last night I was watching that ESPN 30 for 30 Doc about the Pacers/Knicks rivalry back in the 1990s, and I remarked over on twitter that if I was as rich as Spike Lee, I'd probably be his Seahawks equivalent... Which led Danny O'Neil of the Seattle Times to wonder: Who's our Reggie Miller, then?

These days, I'm not sure who that would be, but that got me thinking: Who is the All-Time Most HATED individual in Seahawks history? Here are my nominees, in alphabetical order:

Marcus Allen
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Had a Hall of Fame career playing for two of our divisional rivals
-Instrumental in beating Seattle in 1983 AFC title game

Ken Behring
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Ran team into the ground, then tried to move the team to L.A.
-Ran Chuck Knox and Dave Krieg out of town
-Hired Tom Flores as head coach

Stephen Burbank (hat tip to Seth Weniger- trepidation on twitter)
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Arbitrator of the Steve Hutchinson poison pill dispute who ruled in the Vikings favor

John Elway
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Ruining my childhood
-Owning the Seahawks for a decade and a half

Marshall Faulk
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Main offensive weapon for the fucking Rams 02-04
-Total dick towards the Seahawks on NFLN

Tom Flores
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Coached the Raiders to two Super Bowl wins in early 80s
-Beat Seahawks in 1983 AFC title game
-Coached the Seahawks to their worst record ever in 1992

Bill Leavy
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Referee of Super Bowl XL (do I really need to add anything to that?)

Phil Luckett
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Referee of "Phantom TD" game in 98
-Idiotic call probably kept Seattle out of playoffs

Mike Martz
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-Being a smug, arrogant douchebag
-Leading the Rams dominant strecth over Hawks from 2002-2004

Ben Roethlisberger
Crimes against Hawkmanity:
-QBing the Steelers in XL, winning despite playing like shit
-Being an boorish, boozing dickhole and maybe-raper

What do you think, sirs? Poll in sidebar, y'all..

Pre-DKSB Highlights: Seahawks 21, Cowboys 20

To steal a line from Jim Anchower, I know I haven't rapped at y'all for a while... In part this is because I've been doing stuff for other blogs like Field Gulls and No Logo Needed, but also because I've been dealing with some pretty serious writer's block.. Until that clears up, I'm digging up some gems from my old blog (pre-January 2008) and reposting them here... Here's my account of our 2006 Wild Card playoff win over the Cowboys... Enjoy!

While the national press is acting as if the only reason for Seattle’s win was Romo’s 100-megaton fuck-up, this was an inspiring performance by a battered, flawed, ferocious Seahawks club. Absolutely NOTHING has come easily for the Hawks this year, including this victory. Through injuries and adversity, they once again bit, clawed, shanked and gouged their way to a win (side note: The Hawks won the three regular season/playoff games I attended this year by a total of six points).

Specific moments really stick in my head:

-Jerramy Stevens’ two big touchdown catches. I’ve criticized him before, but also defended him against those who treated him like a puppy-maiming pederast… We don’t win the game without his performance.

-The safety.. Jennings causes the fumble… Lofa makes a great basketball play to keep the ball in bounds… Boulware grabs the ball, taps his feet inbounds like Steve Largent.. The TD was correctly reversed and turned into a safety, but it was a series of amazing individual efforts from our defense.

-The late Cowboys’ possession.. Lofa Tatupu and Julian Peterson combine on an amazing play to keep Jason Whitten from earning a game-ending first down (another play correctly overturned on replay in a generally well-officiated game)…

-The Romo play… watch Babs in the replay: He gets “blocked” by Gramatica, has to leap over Kelly Jennings, but still chases down the Dallas QB, keeping him from a first down or the go-ahead touchdown. Another stunning individual effort…

-From our own two, Shaun Alexander breaks off a game-clinching 22-yard dash. If anyone else EVER calls him soft or bitches about his running style, they’re going to get a punch in the dick from me.

I couldn’t be any prouder of these guys. Babs and Jennings were amazing at the corners, holding Owens and Glenn to a total of six catches for 67 yards… Pete Hunter came in off the street to make four tackles and recover a fumble… Peterson and Tatupu more than justified their Pro Bowl selections, and Bryce Fisher notched two sacks.

Hass got off to an awful start, but he made the big throws in the 2nd half to put us ahead… DB and Bobby collected a bushel of drive-saving catches, and our maligned offensive line gave up ZERO sacks.

The Seahawks also won their sixth game in a row against the “mighty” NFC east.

Enough of this positive stuff… Let’s get to the shameful joy!

-I wonder if T.O. still thinks that Dallas reporters could cover him as well as our secondary did. Two catches, and three drops by my count. Owens is no longer even close to a dominant player.

-My wife said that she felt bad for Tony Romo after he botched that snap. I guess I do on some larger, philosophical level… but my real emotions are the darkest, blackest, most brutal schadenfreude. Could there have been any more perfect ending? Before the kick, I was still very confident. My thought process was that they’d make the kick, then Hass would drive us close enough for JB to win it…

But to see Dallas lose because the media’s newest darling fucked up one of the most basic tasks in football? That, my friends, is magically delicious

So what was it like at Qwest Field?

-The 12th Man more than did its job, noticeably rattling the Cowboys on many occasions. However, I could also tell that the 5 pm start led to a more drunken, surly crowd. I was in line for the men’s room at one point, and I got treated to hearing a frat boy blather about how it was “bullshit” that women didn’t have to wait in as long of a line for the bathroom.. He even started yelling at girls going into the ladies room, which is a sure sign he’s a chick magnet.

Then this asswedge starts pounding on the locked door of the family bathroom, losing his place in the urinal line. I yelled back at him: “that move really worked out for you, huh?” Did I mention this guy also told everyone around him that he got arrested for public urination on Friday? Classy!

-After we failed on 4th and goal midway through the final quarter, the mood got very ugly and very negative. When the guy in front of me made some comment akin to the game being over, I snapped.

“IT’S NOT OVER, GODDAMN IT!”

The next play? The game-turning safety. Thankfully he gave me props for helping him stay positive, rather than starting some shit…

-Particularly at the end, there was nothing but strangers hugging and delirious jubilation… Except for the three Cowboys fans sitting in front of us (including the punk with an obviously bootleg Staubach jersey he probably won at the county fair)…

Suck it, you Dallas fucks.

Fuzzy Kingdome Memories: August 31, 1997

Seahawks history is chock full of humiliation and disappointment, but this day in team history really stands out: In the first game under the stewardship of new owner Paul Allen, just 10 weeks after Washington voters approved funding to build what would become Qwest Field, the Seahawks showed their appreciation by losing 41-3. At home. To a team that had lost 28 of its last 32 games...

But let me start earlier...

In a fit of joy after Referendum 48 squeaked by (no doubt helped by my constant push for "yes" votes on my KUGS-FM talk show "The Democratic Circus"), I plunked down the kingly sum (for a college student) of $200 for a pair of season tickets in the top row of the 300 level above the Kingdome's south end zone. Labor Day Weekend 1997 was going to be epic: I had a friend's wedding to attend in Seattle on Saturday, and then I'd get to watch the Hawks waylay the pathetic New York Jets.

Sure the Hawks were coming off a 7-9 campaign in '96, but Rick Mirer had been traded, Joey Galloway was a budding superstar, and John Friesz was looking to build on a competent six-game stretch as the starter in '96 (4-2 record, 86.4 passer rating). They also had the 5th best rushing attack in the NFL in 1996, spearheaded by 3-time Pro Bowler Chris Warren. Sure, the defense looked pretty weak, but it still boasted All-Pro talent in Michael Sinclair and Cortez Kennedy up front. Even so, we'd win plenty of games with that Friesz/Warren/Galloway offensive attack, right? On top of all that, they would be debuting a couple of promising rookies: Walter Jones and Shawn Springs.

You can see how easy it has always been to delude myself about the Seahawks, huh?

The weekend started out with my Western friends in Seattle: We hit Gameworks, where I saw Brian and Bennie Blades hanging out with their kids... I was too starstruck to say anything (which was probably for the best... who knows if they might have gone all Quantrell Bishop on my ass), but I took it as a good omen for the game. Walking back to my car, I saw a kid in a Jets jersey and thought "holy shit, your boys are going to get POUNDED tomorrow."

Of course, we underestimated how much time it would take to get ready for my friend's wedding, got stuck in traffic, and ended up getting to the church late. After the reception, I went straight to bed in a drunken stupor. In the AM, I fought through a hangover to go pick up my friend Ed and head for the game. I was rocking my Galloway jersey, and was primed to scream at top volume for about three hours or so...

I stopped at a QFC to get a red bull, and all over every newspaper were headlines screaming about the death of Princess Diana early that morning in Paris. I was shocked, but beyond that I sort of brushed it off... Sad and everything, of course, but there was an NFL game in a few hours!

I picked my friend Ed up and we headed to the dome... There was a small smattering of Jets fans, but no larger than you'd expect from a shitty opponent who wasn't a divisional rival. This had all the earmarks of a severe beatdown.

Right before kickoff, Paul Allen was introduced to the crowd, and recieved thunderous applause. This was the guy who saved our Seahawks. Everyone in that stadium KNEW that without Allen, this game would be kicking off in the L.A. Coliseum or at the "Big A." The only question was if Behring would have pulled a quickie name change, or if they would have, however briefly, been the L.A. Seahawks (how weird does that sound?). It was a hugely emotional moment, and seemed like the last nail in NYJ's pine box. A one-win team quarterbacked by Neil O'Donnell wasn't going to withstand this, even with Parcells as head coach.

All these notions were burned to ash and blown away within minutes after kickoff. By the end of the 1st quarter, the Jets led 17-0. Midway through the 2nd, they led 27-0. John Friesz not only looked awful, but got injured. Warren Moon stepped in and managed to look even worse. O'Donnell? That XXX goat fired FIVE touchdown passes, two to Value Village Largent (Wayne Chrebet).

By the end of the 3rd, it was 41-3 and the Dome had pretty much emptied out. Ed bellowed "What a weekend. First Princess Di gets killed, then the Seahawks!" I managed a sour laugh, but it seemed like the Seahawks would never win another game. It was one of the most profound "same old Seahawks" moments I had ever experienced, and I found myself hopelessly, deeply depressed.

The Hawks would get blown out again at home by the Broncos the next week, before winning 5 out of their next 6 games, capped with that 45-34 thrilling defeat of the Raiders at midseason. Seattle eventually stood at 6-4 and looked primed for a playoff run... before losing 4 in a row to fall out of contention. Fuck.

However, Warren Moon had a season for the ages, and we salvaged an 8-8 record after looking destined for the Peyton Manning/Ryan Leaf lotto for an afternoon.

The lesson, I guess, is let's not freak out if Carroll's boys get blown out in week 1 this fall... It might have little to do with how the team performs the rest of the season, even if that 3-hour stretch is deeply humiliating on its own.

What are your memories of that detestable 97 opener, y'all?

If you drop $125 on this, you are a Mor-on.

I love throwback jerseys. Over the years, I've had Largent, Krieg, Kennedy and Easley old school jerseys (unfortunately my fat ass grew out of the Largent, Kennedy and Krieg jerseys), and I'd love to get more (a Cortez #99 jersey would be sweet).

Also, back in '87, my 12-year-old noggin sported the "Boz" cut. I had that The Land of Boz poster on my wall, and I had a Bosworth #44 Seahawks jersey. I even bought the dude's book. I was hard core, y'all.

However, the day you see me wearing the Bosworth throwback they are pushing online right now is also the day you know I've had a full frontal lobotomy.

If you are a Seahawks fan, why would you buy this? This guy was one of the biggest busts in NFL history, particularly in relation to the amount of hype that surrounded his arrival in the NFL. He played in a grand total of 24 NFL games, and accumulated only four more career sacks than you or I have. Yes, it's worth noting that he had a promising rookie season in '87, but you can say the same about Rick Mirer in '93. I don't see anyone clamoring to shell out $125 for HIS jersey, do you?

I mean, this guy shouldn't represent a positive memory for Seahawks fans. I associate him with failure and disappointment in my mind (and with getting pancaked by Bo Jackson on MNF). He's Owen Gill. He's Dan McGwire. He's Kelly Stouffer and Lamar King... and so on.

I'm guessing there must be demand for Boz jerseys among ignorant douchebag buffoons that I don't know about? What do y'all think?

The Dead Zone

I admit it: I just wanted an excuse to show a pic of Christopher Walken holding a big-ass gun.

For reals, there's NOTHING going on right now. I'm deep in my traditional post-Super Bowl funk, and it'll take the start of free agency to hoist me out of this mental rut.

There's no good movies out that I haven't already seen, and I couldn't give less of a fuck about basketball these days. I guess I prefer the NBA to college ball, but I can't be bothered to watch anything but sportscenter highlights until the playoffs. There was a point in the past where I got excited about March Madness, but as I age college basketball just seems to slip further and further into irrelevance.

The Olympics? They're about as compelling as a staring contest between tree sloths. Baseball? Doesn't start for six gorram weeks.

Come back soon, NFL. We need you to distract us from stupid reality. More and more, you seem like the only sport that actually matters.