August 24, 2011

Why I'm Rooting For Tim Tebow to Fail

I don't like Tim Tebow. Everything about the guy just sorta irritates me. I'm sure he's a fine upstanding citizen, is nice to small animals, etc... But there are few athletes I can think of right now that I more intensely want to fail- And when I say fail, I mean ending-up-playing-for-the-Montreal-Alouettes-type failure. Aside from any positive things accomplished by the Seahawks Saturday night, the main thing I want to see is Tim Tebow's face mashed into the the turf at Mile High. Why? Why do I wish this young man ill?

1. He plays for the Broncos
Maybe the younger fans don't understand this, but the Broncos and Raiders were Seattle's most hated rivals for most of my life- That hate has dimmed a bit over the last decade since we moved to the NFC West, but I still detest the Broncos organization, their fans, and anyone who wears that ugly-as-sin uniform. The moment Tebow slipped into that jersey, he became my blood enemy.

Don't give me any of that "You'd be defending him if he was a Seahawk" crap either, because there's NO WAY PCJS would have drafted the guy, particularly not in THE FIRST FUCKING ROUND.

2. Tebow is ridiculously overhyped
Yes, I know it's not his fault that Josh "I'm the biggest idiot ever" McDaniels spent a first round draft pick on him, but even before that Tebow was promoted by a formidable media hype machine and commanded the support of a massive army of starry-eyed acolytes (more on them later). Tebow is basically a latter-day Eric Crouch, but he's fooled millions of people into thinking he could be an actual franchise QB in the NFL.

I'm no NFL scout, but even I can look at Tebow and realize: "That delivery sure looks funky- Is that going to work at this level?" The deficiencies in his game are so self-evident, that if you think he should be starting ahead of Kyle Orton (or even Brady Quinn at this point), I can only look at you as someone who has failed a elementary NFL IQ test.

3. His fans (and yes, we have to tackle the religion thing)
Y'all should know by now that I'm not a believer. The only thing that keeps me from declaring myself a full-blown Atheist is the fact that I can't be 100% sure there ISN'T a God, either. But even if there was, I wouldn't join ANY organized religious faith. I just can't buy it. At all.

I know I'm in a small minority, particularly in the United States- and if you decide to root against devout Christians in the NFL, you'll be rooting against hundreds of players, and DOZENS of Seahawks. So, if you're me, you make some allowances- Yes, Matt Hasselbeck was a devout Christian, but he wasn't overbearing about it, and everything else about him added up to becoming this hell-bound heathen's favorite player for a decade.

So- I DON'T root against Tebow because he is a Christian. I root against Tebow because he's a proselytizing, overbearing Christian, AND because more than once his fans have accused me of rooting against him because I "hate Christians."

Just imagine that somehow I was an amazing college QB, and I just happened to also be a crusading Atheist, using my celebrity to try convert others to my point of view. Let's also imagine millions of other non-believers rallied around me, and I started winning National Championships and Heisman Trophies. Then, despite obvious deficiencies in my game, I went high in the draft, and my jersey became the top seller in the entire NFL. THEN, all my Atheist fans bitched and moaned about how I should get a chance to start, and that if you didn't think I was the bees knees you "hated Atheists."

That'd be pretty mind-meltingly annoying, wouldn't it, my readers of faith?

At a point where he's accomplished NOTHING in the pros, Tebow has millions of fervent followers who think he should be handed a starting job in the NFL. That's not just annoying- That's disrespectful of the game we all love, and that Tebow cannot play. He should become a star not because of his irrelevant college resume, or his looks, or his personality, or his religious faith- If he is to become a star, it should be because he earns it on NFL gridirons.

The good news is that the NFL is one of the world's greatest crucibles of meritocracy- His celebrity status may give him a bit more time, but if can't do the job, sooner or later the dude will be OOF.

Don't worry about Tebow- The kid will be set for life. He's handsome, intelligent, and has a huge Cult of Personality hanging on his every utterance. The second his NFL career ends, he'll have a lucrative future as a commentator and/or motivational speaker. He'll be fine.

But I certainly hope the Seahawks help hasten the demise of his NFL dream on Saturday.

What do you think, sirs?


The Pipes said...

I agree 100%. I've hated him since the combine when he was spouting about "God" this and "God" that. Keep your moronic, archaic fantasies to your self. This is about football, not about how "God" blessed you more than he did others that wanted to play in the NFL.

People can think whatever they want but no matter how dumb or enlightened it is, don't force it down people's throats. Fortunately for him though, doing just that has given him a fanbase which is pretty sick I think.

Anyway, I could go off and write a few pages, but I'll restrain myself. Can't wait to see his "free will" crushed by our free safety.

killinggoliath said...

I liked how you asked how Christians would feel if he was an overbearing atheist. However, I don't see Tebow as overbearing. He wrote bible verse numbers under his eyes and made a commercial where his mom said she was happy she didn't have an abortion. Not really the pushy type if you ask me. I like to see someone bold about who they are much like yourself. That being said I won't be rooting for him against my Seahawks.

David Prothero said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pool Ninja said...

I somewhat disagree with your arguments DKSB but see the reasoning.

#1: He didn't choose Denver, Denver chose him. He can't help it, wasn't his decision. It's not like he went to Colorado or Colorado State then get drafted by home state. Dude went to Florida where i'm sure he's broken a couple of sins...

#2: Definitely overhyped but it's not like it wasn't deserved. He won a ton of college games and some really big games, dude can show up when it's prime time.

#3: Don't crucify him since it's his "fans" that are haggling you. He never asked for it, nor did he command them to.

All in all, I think you're over-reacting to a 3rd string QB who happens to be open with his religious views and is a tad over-rated.

If you wanna post a "player to root for to fail", Leonard Little comes to mind, though probably too late. Though this guy:

is my guy that I'd love to root for failure. This dude just needs a quick punch in the throat.

Neil said...

It would be completely hypocritical of him (and any Christian) to NOT proselytize. As Penn of Penn and Teller once said "How much do you have to hate a person NOT to tell them about Jesus if you think He is the only way to avoid hell?" ( To believe and not to share your faith is inconsistent at BEST; HEARTLESS and EVIL at the worst.

Still love you blog, but parts of number 3 is just illogical.

Hawkdog said...

All I could add to this is AMEN!!

SpudzDP said...

Just as there is a separation of church and state, I think there should be a separation of church and sport. Not a constitutional amendment or anything like that, but a self regulated gag rule concerning athletes either promoting or criticizing religion.
This will never happen,of course, but it would be nice. Jocks are the worst interviews -- boring, self conscious, bad grammar, poor vocabulary, aware that being honest might hurt their career -- so to hear these guys talk God is not very credible. I mean, they are young, rich, and pampered -- who cares what they think about God?
For their own sake, they should wait until they retire or get out of the game before spouting off about any topic. Only after they are done with their profession and sport and gained some kind of perspective, do most of these guys become comfortable and interesting when they speak. That is the best time for them to speak out on topics such as religion or politics, or anything, really.