August 20, 2010

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Slurm-Colored Seahawks Jerseys

Slurms McKenzie could be our mascot! Fuck Blitz!

My latest advertising deal with Qwest High-Speed Internet netted me enough money to buy a new electric lime green John Carlson jersey. Yay! It'll be here next week, delivered from Seattle Team Shop (that's a freebie, boys). I've added a blurb to the right column, so if you're looking to push your wares on my humble little blog, shoot me an email and maybe we can work something out. I don't have a fucking full-time job, and I need money to feed my crippling addiction to Sugar Free Red Bull.

Now I know a lot of you A) hate the bright green jerseys and/or B) think they are "retired." I had to warm up to them too, but for a lot of reasons, not only do I want Carroll to bring them back... I want to make them our permanent, full-time road jerseys.

Why? First of all, they are unique. Yes, perhaps they are also blinding and hideous, but they are certainly special. Our white road jerseys are about as exciting as Amish sex... Eight years ago, we tried to become the first NFL team to sport home and road helmets... Why not try to become the first team without a white jersey in the closet? No chance the NFL would let us do this, but is there really a compelling reason for them to shut it down? Either against a team in white OR a team wearing its colors, the bright greens would be easily discernible from the opposition, yes yes? If I had a copy of Madden handy, I'd mock-up pictures, but alas I don't.

Other people HATE the bright greens, but you know what? Fuck them. Fuck them right in the ear. Their derision and hatred makes me want to rub a ream of coarse, disease-infected lime green fabric in their eyes until they cry sassafras. I am absolutely not above wearing these jerseys as a "fuck you" to the rest of the league. How AWESOME would it be if we won XLV wearing the limes and IT WAS PRESERVED UNTIL THE END OF FUCKING TIME? Suck on that, guardians of football tradition and propriety! On a personal level, I LOVE the idea of wearing one of these to a road game (perhaps this October in Chicago in my case).

Now a lot of people are saying "oh, the bright greens are retired!" Last time I checked, Jim Mora aint drawing much water at the VMAC these days, and until I hear that the retirement is definitively continuing from Pete Carroll, the limes are still in play. I think it's also worth noting that I saw bright green Okung and Tate jerseys at multiple shops in the Seattle area last week. Maybe they aren't intending to wear the limes in a game this season, but I haven't seen any evidence that would convince me that they are permanently mothballed.

What do y'all think? Embrace highlighter-green unis, or let them fade into trivial oblivion?

UPDATE: Photographic proof of the Okung bright green jersey I saw in a store at Bellevue Square...


spoonfulofpeter said...

I love the green. Always have. Always will.

We took a lot of crap for it last year. But had we won that game, it might have been a different story. And had Seneca not been starting, it might have been a win.

Regardless, the lime green jersey should be kept in the rotation. It's awesome.

frinklin said...

Sorry, I don't care how much fun it would be give a great big fuck you to the NFL, ugly is ugly. And damn, the Seahawks aren't anything but ugly.

Bring back silver pants and helmets and throw in a 76-throwback. Leave the lime to the pukes of UO

neurocell said...

I'd rather have sexual relations with the jaws of life than see those uniforms ever again. They're one of the few uniforms that make the '80's Houston Astros, Chicago White Sox (Shorts!?), and Denver Nuggets look good.

Nuclear cabbage, VD-shit green. I don't care what color you call them, I can't stand them. I've taken crap for over three decades for loving the Hawks. I don't care. I've only been embarrassed by the Seahawks twice: Ken Behring and those uni's.

Johnny, it's fine if you love 'em, or anyone else for that matter, they just turn my stomach. If I was told that the Hawks would win ten super bowls in a row because they wore those unis, I'd be all for it. But I'd still hate 'em.

I love the old uni's, but the '83-'01 editions were so much better than the originals.

I saw a truth today, that I hadn't seen in a while.
You're stuck in a room with a hungry grizzly bear, a ravenous lion, and a stealers fan. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?

The stealers fan.


DKSB said...

You know what I'd love to see?

Home unis: Silver helmets, current blue jerseys, silver pants (sort of modified throwbacks)

road unis: current blue helmets, bright green jerseys, and lighter blue pants to match the helmets.

and yeah, bust out the 76-82 and/or 83-01 unis a couple times a year too.

neil said...

make the team wear them until they start winning again as motivation and or punishment.