We Fucking Own Dallas*

Ok, we're actually 4-6 all-time v. the Cowboys. But what about the 21st century? 3 and fucking 0 1, bitches.

Like any right-thinking NFL fan, I fucking hate Dallas. I hate Jerry Jones. I hate Tony Romo. I hate their dipshit Craphonso fan base. I hate the hole in their stadium's roof. I LOATHE Terrell Owens. I even hate Tom Landry's moldering hat. From every pore, they ooze smarmy arrogance and posess a sense of entitlement that comes off them in waves like B.O.

When Tony Romo dropped the ball? Well, that only could have happened to the great Romo because those sneaky Seahawks slipped him a lubed-up ball. That loss at Husky Stadium in 2001? Well, the boys didn't realize the game wouldn't be played in a dome, and they weren't ready for such wet, nasty, UNFAIR weather. That last minute loss in 2005? That was Bledsoe's fault. The great Romo would have pulled that one out.

...and Cowboys fans can go on like that. An underrated chapter in the Seahawks-Cowboys series happened in 2002. The Hawks were 1-5, and might as well have had "opponent" emblazoned on their unis because Emmitt "Blowed Up" Smith was going for the all-time rushing record.

Yeah, his dancing ass got the record; and Trent Dilfer left with a torn achilles tendon, forcing deposed starter Matt Hasselbeck back into action. In my mind, this has always been the genesis of Seattle's current success. After D-Jack was felled by a vicious, dirty hit Hass reportedly growled in the huddle afterwards:

"NOBODY FUCKING DOES THAT TO US!"

Beck led the Hawks to the winning FG, somewhat spoiling Emmitt's party and unofficially rebooting his Seattle career. Bite shit, Dallas.

Don't forget: We play at Dallas in the '08 regular season. :-]

*I forgot our 2004 Monday Night Football collapse against Dallas. Ugh. Hat tip to MS from Seahawk Addicts for reminding me. Fucking bullshit non-review on Keyshawn's ill-gotten touchdown.

Painful Departures

The Hawks have moved to keep Tru and Locklear in Seattle, which increases the chances that the Seahawks may let fan favorite Josh Brown walk. This got me thinking about the most traumatic instances of players leaving the Seahawks since I've been paying attention... Here goes:

5. Darrell Jackson

I loved D-Jack, even though his hands sometimes resembled Featherstone from Necessary Roughness. It was rough to see him go to SF, and it was in some ways even rougher to see him decline in 2007.

4. Steve Hutchinson

The bottom line is Hutch took the money and ran, but it didn't make me feel any better about a loss of talent that our team still hasn't completely recovered from.

3. Dave Krieg

You know what would be a great idea? Replacing Dave Krieg and Chuck Knox with Dan McGwire and Tom Flores. That's the Behring years for ya!

2. Kenny Easley

The greatest defensive player in Seahawks history volunteered to return punts. He got injured, and after his level of play declined, he was traded to the Arizona Cardinals where he failed to pass a physical. The Behring administration chucked Easley overboard like a fucking chamber pot, and after overdosing on ibuprofen he needed a kidney transplant. He ended up suing the Hawks for $10 million, and it was only after Paul Allen took over that Easley took his rightful place in the Ring of Honor.

1. Steve Largent

It was time for him to go in 1989, of course. That didn't make the end of his career any easier on my 14-year-old ass. My dad actually scored us tickets to his final game and I had visions of him catching the winning TD pass in OT and running off into the tunnel...

He had 3 catches, and the Seahawks lost 29-0.

Fuck.

The 25 Most Important Seahawks (1983-2007)

I've been a Seahawks fan for 25 seasons. Here's who I think are the most important figures in Seattle Pro Football since I started paying attention... Have fun tearing apart my list, fuckers.

25. Josh Brown Holy Shit! I forgot Dave Brown!
24. Ricky Watters Brian Blades
23. Marcus Trufant
22. Jeff Bryant
21. Lofa Tatupu
20. Bobby Engram
19. Chad Brown
18. Chris Warren
17. Eugene Robinson
16. Joe Nash
15. John L. Williams
>>> ADD: Dave Brown
14. Cortez Kennedy
13. Jacob Green
12. Curt Warner
11. Mack Strong
10. Kenny Easley
9. Dave Krieg
8. Shaun Alexander
7. Chuck Knox
6. Matt Hasselbeck
5. Paul Allen
4. The 12th Man
3. Mike Holmgren
2. Steve Largent
1. Walter Jones

UPDATE: Yeah, I forgot about Brian Blades when I first wrote this.. my bad. So what were my criteria?

1. Quality of play/coaching/noisemaking/owning :-]
2. Longevity with the Seahawks (This is what eliminates someone like Warren Moon, and puts Lofa and Tru so low on the list)
3. Association with team success (Tez would be higher if he wasn't at his peak when the team sucked)
4. My personal memories (Largent might be #1 for older fans, and I love the guy, but I only saw the 2nd half of his career; That's part of the reason he's behind Big Walt)

Some tough cuts:

-Ricky Watters
-Darrell Jackson
-Steve Hutchinson (oh wait.. fuck that guy!)
-Rufus Porter
-Michael Sinclair

Who is likely to eventually move up or be added to the list?

-Lofa Tatupu
-Marcus Trufant (if he stays with the Hawks)
-Julian Peterson (just needs a couple more years with the Hawks)
-Josh Brown (once again, if he stays with the Hawks)
-Matt Hasselbeck & Mike Holmgren (will move up if they lead us to a ring this season)

I Don't Know Shit

Yeah, I have opinions about what the Seahawks should do, and they're probably better informed than the random fuckface on the street, but I don't really know what I'm talking about.

I want the Seahawks to keep Tru, JB, and Spencer... I want them to cut loose Alexander and draft a stud running back. However, my opinions about those moves are totally based on how the team performs in the future.

I have NO idea about who we should draft. I simply don't watch enough college football to have any sort of informed opinion. After the 2005 draft, I actually wrote this:

So we trade two fourth round picks to move up nine slots to take: Lofa Tatupu??? We couldn’t get him at 54? We couldn’t have gotten him in the third round? We passed up Matt Roth and Dan Cody??? I know that Mosi Tatupu was a bad ass, but why why why??? Kiper himself says that we could have gotten him in round 5.. FUCK FUCK FUCK! He may very well be a solid player, but not a value pick at all.. Ugh.

See, I am an IDIOT when it comes to the draft. Frankly, most other folks who don't do this shit for a living are too.

The bottom line is I tend to give the front office the benefit of the doubt as long as the team keeps winning. It's not that I think Ruskell is above criticism, but I'm under no illusions: I'm a Seahawks fan, and I won't REALLY be able to tell good moves from bad moves until we see how next season turns out.

Unless Shaun Alexander is still our starting running back this fall. That would be fucking retarded. :-]

Road Games v. Home Games: Which is Better?

First of all, I tip my cap to Seahawk Addicts. That dude is bringing the real, hard core Seahawks news coverage, and I'm just sort of dicking around here with my navel-gazing bullshit... Go check them out if you get a chance.

I'm an asshole, but that's part of being a fan. Not only do I get enjoyment from the Seahawks winning; I get almost as much pleasure from seeing the Hawks inflict mental anguish on opposing fans. So I put it to those of you who have seen games both in Seattle and away from home: Which is more fun?

Being with 67,000 other Seahawks fans when Qwest is up around 120 decibels is about as close as my heathen, hell-bound ass will get to a religious experience. There's NOTHING like it in the world of sports, and that's coming from a Red Sox fan who has seen the Boston nine play the Yankees at Fenway Park.

Going to a game on the road is a different kind of glee... IF the Seahawks win. If they lose, there's few worse, emptier feelings. Thankfully, the Hawks have only lost two road games I've ever attended. I've seen them win in Cleveland, Detroit, Indianapolis, New Orleans, and St. Louis, and each win was magically delicious in a "Oh, Scott Tenorman, let me taste your tears!" kind of way. :-]

The biggest assholes? Cleveland by far. They will give you a non-stop stream of abuse for 3 hours plus, throw beer on you, and flip you off while you walk to your car.

The biggest pussies? St. Louis. They play their games in a glorified Costco Warehouse with NO football atmosphere, and the fans barely ever get off their feet or do more than clap politely. They're decent human beings, but severely douchbaggy fans.

Twice I've seen the Hawks win road games with last-second field goals, and few things are sweeter than watching opposing fans who have taunted you all day file out in silent despair after that. I've risked beatings both times by berating them in their lowest moments of doom and gloom :-]

So what do y'all think? What is the more satisfying Seahawk fan experience? Home or away?

Fuzzy Seahawk Memories: November 30, 1992 (Seahawks 16, Broncos 13 OT)

1992 Sucked. Not only was the team awful; it was also BORING. Tom Flores coached as if he was still employed by the Raiders, and Seattle's offense scored barely EIGHT POINTS PER GAME. In one six-week stretch, the Hawks could only manage a lone, pathetic touchdown.

The only thing that made the team somewhat tolerable to watch was Cortez Kennedy and the doomed but dogged defense. Tez was named NFL defensive player of the year on a 2-14 team, a fact that should get him into Canton almost by itself (seriously you craggy old honkey fucks... Put him in).

Long before the days of flex scheduling, ABC was forced to air a Monday Night game between the 1-10 Seahawks and the 7-4 (seemingly playoff bound) Denver Broncos. It would go down in national memory as perhaps the worst MNF game ever, but it's one of my favorite Seahawks memories (like Eddie Murphy said once about getting laid after a long dry spell: If you're starving, a saltine will taste like a Ritz cracker).

My younger readers might not remember that the Denver Broncos used to be among our most hated rivals; mostly because that homely fuck Elway owned our asses for about a decade and a half. But those hopeless, forlorn 92 Hawks caught a break that night: Tommy Maddox would start for Denver, and this wasn't Lazarus-era "good" Maddox.... This was helpless, skittish-as-me-behind-the-cash-register-at-Sbarro-during-lunch-rush Maddox.

Both offenses flailed about like two drunk sorority chicks in a cat fight, and the Hawks were somehow only down 13-6 in the final minutes... A face-mask penalty on a punt return set us up at the Denver 35, but it still felt like it would take a miracle to put 7 on the board. Somehow Stan Gelbaugh got us inside the 10, and on
4th and goal he hit Brian Blades for the tying TD. Blades did some stupid early-90s celebration dance and the Kingdome crowd erupted like it was 1984 all over again. In OT John Kasay booted Seattle to only its 2nd win of the season, and Denver spiraled to a 8-8 collapse and an Xmas at home just like the pathetic Seattlites.

It was one of the only bright spots of 1992; I remember running out onto my front yard and screaming "SEAAAAAAHAWWWWWKKKKKSSSSSS!" into the night after that win. I had no idea it was the start of a lost decade for my Hawks. Ugh.

The New Captain of the Titanic

I'd love to congratulate Jim Zorn for being awarded the head coaching job in DC, but considering that his boss is Dan Snyder, he's more or less a dead man walking. At some point next season, he'll be bringing his Redskins into Qwest (hopefully for a warm opening reception from the crowd followed by a severe beating for his team).

The bottom line? I'm glad the Seahawks are owned by a billionaire nerd who signs checks and lets his football people do their jobs, rather than a billionaire cock-bite who thinks that the NFL works about the same way as a fantasy football league.

Good luck Coach Zorn; You'll need it when Snyder starts chasing you around his mansion with a bowling pin, or when he wants you to let Tom Cruise call a play or two... He WAS in All the Right Moves, you know.

Eat a dick, UW! We got Mora!

It's official: Jim Mora Jr. will be the next coach of the Seattle Seahawks. UW will have to scrounge up someone else to take over once Ty Willingham gets his ass canned. Losers.

Like Ruskell said today, this sends a clear signal to potential free agents that the franchise will be stable into the foreseeable future. Plus, I'm convinced that Mora is going to pwn the likes of Nolan, Linehan and that skeezy Pittsburgh fuck Wisenhunt.

But fuck all that... That shit's for '09. Right now, I'm much more concerned about how we're gonna line shit up to send The Big Show out with another Lombardi Trophy.

Just for fun, here's a mix of Mora Sr.'s two best tirades...

Two Years Have Passed and I'm Still Blinded By Rage

Two years have passed. I've had a son, moved to Illinois and generally life is good. But if I glimpse one second of Super Bowl XL I have to fight the urge to throw a brick through my TV and then I have to talk myself out of being pissed for the rest of the day.

We all know that the officials did all they could to steal the game from us, but Seattle also missed opportunities to put more points on the board. That combination makes it the most painful experience I've ever had as a sports fan, and frankly one of the most unpleasant memories of my entire life.

Goddamn. Fuck. Shit. Fucking Pittsburgh Assholes. Who knows if we'll ever make it back. Fucking ruiners, fucking up our special year. Eat a cock, you fuckers.

Here's what I said back then:

“I knew it would be tough playing against the Steelers, but I didn’t know we’d also have to play the guys in stripes too.”

-Mike Holmgren at Seahawks Stadium rally, 2/6/06

We live in a bizzaro world today, my friends. We live in a world where a team that controls time of posession, gains more yards and wins the turnover battle loses the Super Bowl to the team whose young star quarterback posted a stellar 22.1 QB rating…

Aside from a few personal tragedies & tribulations that I won’t discuss here, I’ve never felt worse in my life than I do right now. It would be one thing for my beloved Seahawks to be outplayed or blown out by a better team in their first trip to the Super Bowl. It would be another to lose a well-played, close, hotly contested classic of a Super Bowl… But to lose a Super Bowl thanks to a lethal cocktail of incompetent, biased officiating & a series of self-inflicted spastic fuck-ups? It makes me want to bazooka barf non-stop for about a week.

Don’t misunderstand me here, though. I am not saying that the terrible officiating cost the Seahawks the game… We made too many of our own errors to claim that. However, the officials denied us a CHANCE to win the game. That is the ugly truth that has me sitting here fighting back tears as I bang this one out…

So why the anger? There were an astounding number of very questionable calls against the Seahawks, but let’s solely focus on the few EVERYONE agrees were incorrect:

1. Sean Locklear gets called for holding on a play that would have given Seattle a first and goal at the Steelers’ 1, down 14-10 with 12 minutes left in the game. Replays showed no evidence of Locklear committing a foul. Two plays later, Matthew threw a game-changing interception.

2. After that interception, Matt got called for a low block TRYING TO MAKE A TACKLE!!!! Inexplicable call, which led to Pittsburgh’s final TD.

3. First quarter: Darrell Jackson catches a touchdown pass from Hass. Replays show that the closest official makes no move to throw his flag UNTIL the Pittsburgh DB started furiously complaining. Oh, a Steeler complained? I must throw my yellow hanky! Replays also show that this was at best incidental contact, NOT offensive pass interference…

4. Roethisberger was clearly stopped at the one-inch line on a touchdown that made the score 7-3 Pittsburgh in the 2nd quarter. Replays show that the line judge started running in with one hand up as if to spot the ball, but then CHANGED HIS MIND and raised both hands to indicate a touchdown. This was not overturned by instant replay.

These penalites DIRECTLY cost Seattle at least 11 points (Which happened to be the margin in this game)…

I could go on, but you get the point. At many different moments, Seattle momentum was stopped cold by a very questionable flag. This directly contributed to a number of Seattle miscues, because it became clear that ANY questionable call was going to go against us. This took us out of the normal flow of our game plan and gave a distinct advantage to Pittsburgh.

Why did this happen? There is no vast conspiracy, but officials are human. They were in an environment where everyone was told for two weeks how Pittsburgh was supposed to win, and how great it would be if Jerome Bettis retired with a ring, and this is capped by a Ford Field festooned with terrible towel waving fans. Officials can be intimidated by crowds.. They can be overwhelmed by their surroundings. They can CHOKE. These officials did just that.

Why Not Us?

I just watched the 10-6 Giants take down the 16-0 Patriots.

There are NO excuses for not bringing home a Lombardi Trophy next year, Seahawks. To paraphrase Anthony Hopkins in The Edge: "What one team can do, another can do!"

As usual, I find myself jealous of the newly minted World Champs (who we play at the Meadowlands next year, by the way) and instantly depressed that the NFL season is over.

What a great Super Bowl... Nothing compares to the NFL.