July 26, 2009

Another reason I don't trust nature

According to Matt Hasselbeck's twitter feed, he's come down with inner and outer ear infections. Mike Sando and others speculate that this may be related to his recent dips in the Columbia River, which further frays my already tense relationship with nature. When I heard about Hass swimming in the Columbia, I barfed in my mouth a bit.. That's the kind of shit you could only get me to do at gunpoint, or if a loved one was drowning in said river...

I respect nature. I like nature. I just don't really want to be anywhere near it except for brief, controlled stretches in perfect conditions. Summers are the worst, because they feature

A) Bugs
B) Heat and Humidity
C) The angry, angry Sun.

Want me to go outside during the summer? Hand me the 150 SPF sunscreen and something with enough deet in it to ward off those nasties from Starship Troopers. My preferred summer activity is hunkering down inside an air-conditioned movie theater, mall and/or house until the leaves start to change. I might drag myself outside for a baseball game or cookout, but I guarantee I'll be slathered in any lotion or spray you can think of that shields one from nature's effects.

I worship Qwest Field, but part of me misses the Kingdome for all the reasons listed above. Sure, I would have loved to have been at that Jets game last year, but once I got home I probably wouldn't have gone back outside for a week.

I know that most Seahawks fans are from Seattle, and most Seattlites love to do stuff outdoors. That's cool.. knock yourselves out, guys. I won't be hogging any space or blocking your view... and yes, I know that the way I live, under the glorious A/C, is probably not going to survive Peak Oil and the spectacular collapse of our petroleum-based society.

All the more reason to ride this bomb all the way to the ground Dr. Strangelove-style, y'all!

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