July 1, 2008

Bid, Win, Destroy Creatively!

There's the Hasselbeck figure I just got in the mail, looking all bad-ass on my desk alongside Carlton Fisk and Jonathan Papelbon... The problem is that I also had to buy Troy Polamalu:

So I'm selling the surplus figure on eBay... here's what I said in the product description:

Like most NFL fans outside of Western PA, I HATE the Pittsburgh Steelers. I hate everything from those hankies they wave around (that appear to be urine-soaked) to that completely bullplop "Immaculate Reception." As a Seahawks fan, my hatred and bile is mostly based on the striped-shirt assist Pittsburgh got in Super Bowl XL...

But I'm not here to appeal only to Seahawks fans... In Cincinnati and Cleveland, in Baltimore and Houston, in Boston and Oakland, and in every corner of this great nation are those who know a simple truth: The Steelers, indeed, SUCK.

We know Pittsburgh was Arizona Cardinals-level awful until the 70s, when the Steelers got all hulked-out on 'roids. We know that Mike Renfro got two feet down in the '79 AFC title game. We know that a team coached by Barry Switzer beat them in XXX.

We know Roethlisberger is a big overrated galoot, that Heinz Field has the worst playing surface in the league and CLASSSSY fans who spit on Deion Branch last season.

Finally, we know that D-Jack didn't push off, Big Ben didn't score and Locklear didn't commit holding.

Here's the deal: My hope is that the winning bidder is a Steeler Hater like me, and does something unspeakably awful to this surplus Polamalu figure (and hopefully records what they do to it).

To you Steeler fans out there: I'm a good little capitalist. You can save Troy and his glorious mane by winning this auction.

Polamalu is untouched in the original box. I have just removed Hasselbeck.

Shipping is free.. Get this thing out of my sight, please!

Please post your ideas for destroying Polamalu with as much sadism and cruelty as possible.... and bid if you feel like it.. Shipping is free! :-]

If I get any entertaining hate mail from Steelers fans, I'll post it here.

1 comment:

JRuss said...

I suggest you make a teeny little sign to ship with the Polamalu figurine that can be affixed to his teeny tiny hand. The sign should read, "Jerome Bettis is Bill Levy's Lover."