August 12, 2008

I'm Way Too Concerned About Which NFL Teams Fictional Characters Root For

On this week's episode of The Venture Brothers, Walking Swedish Murder Machine/Super Kill Guy/O.S.I. Man Brock Sampson is revealed to be... A Minnesota Vikings fan. Makes sense I guess, but I was still disappointed that possibly the most-badass fictional character of all time probably spends his Sundays wearing one of those Viking hats with the blond braids hanging off the sides... So I started thinking: Who would be the fictional character I'd most want to be a Seahawks fan? My one main rule is that the character has to be from/live in Washington state.

Here's the contenders...

-Max Guevara (Jessica Alba) in Dark Angel


Pros: Is very hot, kicks a lot of ass. Would look great wearing nothing but a Hasselbeck jersey.

Cons: In the show, the US circa 2019 has been plunged into chaos by an electromagnetic pulse. I kinda doubt the Seahawks still exist at that point.

-Gordon Freeman from the Half-Life games



Pros: Kills aliens and other living things with a crowbar, has a beard.

Cons: Never talks in the game; might not be very useful as a "12th man"

-Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) in Say Anything



Pros: Is able to score with Ione Skye, doesn't want to sell anything bought or processed, plans to be a kickboxer for a living.

Cons: Would rather follow his GF to England than stick around for football season. Douche.

-David Lightman (Matthew Broderick) in WarGames



Pros: Sweet computer hacking skills, breaks out of NORAD

Cons: Ordered a simulated nuclear strike on Seattle, didn't hack Tecmo Bowl to get rid of Seattle's pink uniforms (yes, I know Tecmo Bowl didn't come out until 1987, but he could have found a way).

-FBI Special Agent Dale B. Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) from Twin Peaks



Pros: Has backward-talking midget dreams, is actually revealed to be a Seahawks fan in a 1990 MNF promo.

Cons: Didn't ever hook up with Audrey Horne (damn.. Sherilyn Fenn was hot back then).

What do y'all think? Did I miss any good ones?

3 comments:

Natalie said...

As a Vikings fan, I was stoked to see Brock Samson sporting Vikings headphones while listening to Zep in this week's episode. Bad. Ass.

DKSB said...

Yeah, I'm jealous that you have Brock in your corner, I admit. :-]

Michael Steffes said...

Dale Cooper is god! And he could have banged Audrey, what made him hard core was that he didn't on principal.

Seriously, this dude took on Bob and and didn't blink. Not to mention he infiltrated a Canadian whore house and took out those French coke dealers.

Come to think of it, he should be the commissioner of the NFL.