The Raiders are coming to Qwest Thursday night, so it's a good time to bring back some old classics of Oakland/L.A. hatred (updated and with a dash of new material mixed in)... Enjoy!
Side note #1: If you are old enough, you might remember the Raiders being the most popular team in the northwest before '76. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Side note #2: Who else was born during the very specific window where, to this day, "Oakland Raiders" sounds weird to you and "LA Raiders" sounds right?
I don't care that the level of play Thursday night will barely be above an '87 scab game. I don't care that both teams will just be desperately trying to avoid any injuries before week 1. I still want to see the guys wearing blue stomp the tainted, evil guts out of the goddamn Raiders.
They say that you have to be taught to hate, and I was a quick study in developing a frothing, rabid loathing of the Raiders. After L.A. snuffed Seattle's Cinderella run in the 1983 AFC title game, my 8-year-old soul was crushed. Since then, everything about the Raiders organization has filled me with disgust and revulsion.
There's so much to hate about these schmucks. Their dirty play is such common knowledge that Lisa Simpson urged Homer to bet on them "because they always cheat." They're run by a curmudgeonly, dried-up relic from a best-forgotten era, who insists on running an offense that went out of style about the same time New Coke did. Did I mention this half-dead wraith of a man has moved his team TWICE and generally tried to fuck up the NFL's shit at every opportunity? Watch this Mr. Show clip, change "Satan" to "Al Davis," and you'll know how I feel about Oakland's owner..
Here's how reviled this team is: They got screwed on an XL-level in the "tuck rule" game, and nobody outside of The Black Hole gave a damn. Why? Fuck the fucking Raiders, that's why.
But wait, it gets worse! Their fans are a particularly wretched lot, who seem to think that rooting for a filthy, scuzzy, outdated team wearing black makes them "bad ass." I've done my research, and Raider fans also tend to like:
-Decals of Calvin peeing on things
The perfect expression of all this was at a game back in 1997, which the Seahawks won 45-34 behind a huge day from Warren Moon. At the time, my seats were in the very top row of the Kingdome in the south end zone. There was this clump of Oakland fans a few rows ahead of us, and the whole game they never shut up about how tough and bad-ass the Raiders were, and how the Seahawks liked other boys, among other things (not that there's anything wrong with that). Even down by 11 very late in the game, with Warren Moon taking a knee to run out the clock, they would not stop taunting us Seattle fans and preening like dirtbag peacocks. Finally, I snapped and screamed:
"YOUR TEAM IS 3-5!!!!! OAKLAND SUCKS! SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
Only after the words escaped my mouth did I realize my chances of getting shanked in the parking lot just exponentially increased. Thankfully, I lived to tell the tale.
If you are going to the game Thursday night and you run into any similar behavior, remind them of this inconvenient truth for Raider Nation. Since 2003:
Seahawks: 55-41 with 5 playoff appearances, 4 division titles, 4 playoff wins and an NFC title.
Raiders: 24-72. Their 5-11 finish in '08 was their best since 2003.
Commitment to Crapulence!